A letter to the american people

September 22, 2067

My fellow Americans,

It has come to my attention that I am to be put on trial before a Senate Committee next Tuesday for refusing to contribute my fortune to our newly established National Universal Basic Income Program and to question the benefit I’ve so graciously bestowed upon our people. Our “President” has done much work to discredit the work I’ve done and has labeled me as “being greedy”. Now if you’ll indulge me for a moment I’d like to explain how the work I’ve done has already done a generous amount for mankind and why I do not believe I owe this scheme any of my vast fortune:

When I was fresh out of college after getting my degree in Coprophagic Studies ($30,000 in debt mind you), I sold the kidneys of orphaned Indian children on the black market, after opening my first child breeding facility in Bangalore. Thus saving many Falun Gong practitioners from brutal organ harvesting in China by flooding the market with new supplies (it’s all about good supply chain management these days).
Then, when my competitors got wiser and the market got too competitive, I found that fertilizer made from ash deposits surrounding Birkenau addressed a vital market need when European governments started getting serious about pretending to care for the environment. While lucrative, this business caused an uproar amongst the Jewish community. Rather than investing my profits from this venture in weapons manufacturers to profit off the brewing ethnic conflict like any old crony capitalist, I halted all operations of this business because I cared.
Never-ending diversification of my empire led me to more aggressive pursuits that focused on bringing humanity joy in our dark world such as laser pubic hair removal for the disabled, an exclusive network of live gladiatorial battles using convicts (the first time extensive lobbying had truly benefited the American people) and Rent-a-Minority services for parties so that there could always be one person at that party that everyone hated. The battles provide economical population control and entertainment simultaneously and yet our government dares try to make me the villain despite a recent poll showing 72% of Americans support the F.A.G.
Now my services such as the Federation of American Gladiators (F.A.G. for brevity) are staples in every American household, giving families some much needed catharsis from the realization that their government failed completely to protect them from job losses due to automation. I benefitted mankind more than jokers like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos ever did, why you ask, because while they were busy getting rich on the premise of “changing the world” whilst putting hundreds of millions out of work, every aspect of the Martin business conglomerate relies on humans (whether as fertilizers or organ donators etc.). I alone makes sure mankind always has a place in our machine-heavy world and if I am forced to bequeath such a large amount my fortune to this "fund" I feel as though I’m not going to be able to continue this bright path as it is very capital-intensive.
Don’t think that this is the end of Martin Enterprises quite yet, as I have many more projects in the works that will provide an estimated 62.9 million jobs for us humans over the next 10 years. These projects include everything from jobs that involve nothing but cuddling with others to working as a human punching bag at one of our upcoming Stress Relief Centers. This is why it is imperative that I make it through this looming debacle unscathed.
As you the public are likely aware, my ambition knows no bounds and while perhaps my methods may seem a tad bit “unconventional”, I can assure you that I am your best bet for keeping humanity relevant and from degenerating further (because we all know the endless leisure time we thought automation would bring us instead brought us depression and violence). It is my goal to keep “The White Man’s Burden” from becoming “The Bright Man’s Burden” at all costs.
So please, I implore you, reader, to write your local representative and demand an abrupt end to this witch hunt our government has unleashed upon me and to tell them to focus their effort on the tech billionaires who got stupendously wealthy through taking your job. I exist to serve mankind and that is how I justify my wealth.