The Water Boiler

Goddamn my roomate's girlfriend is the worst. She basically lives with me (she never leaves) but she doesn't talk. I'll say hi to her and she won't say anything back. She never cleans up after herself. She takes showers like twice a day (showers are cool but that's my bathroom too and you don't pay for this apartment.)

For the sake of this story, let's call her B. For bitch. Let's call my roommate C.

All of this would be fine. In fact, I'd rather she didn't speak to me because her voice is annoying. Also, she's not that attractive. Which is fine; I've dated average looking women with good personalities. BUT THEY MET ON TINDER. YOU CAN'T SWIPE RIGHT ON PERSONALITY.

Anyway, like I said I didn't mind her rude behavior. Until the water boiler situation.

I woke up one day to make a cup of coffee, and to my surprise, we had a brand new water boiler. A fancy electric water boiler with a sheen black design. I was in love. I filled it with water, turned on the switch, and waited for my water to boil.

B walked up to me and said the first words she had ever said to me. In her nasally voice, she said "are you using my water boiler?" I said, "yeah". She said, "ask me first next time before you use it."

I felt a chill roll down my spine as I poured the water into the coffee maker. I was speechless. How ungrateful was she that she wouldn't even let me use her water boiler? But I would not back down. I was determined to keep using her water boiler. And I did, everyday for a full month.

Once a week, my roommate would remind me that I need to ask to use the water boiler. I would say sorry, and then continue to use it without asking. I told my friends about the water boiler, and they would ask for updates everyday. I told my mom and she say that B is a bitch. My grades were slipping, I stopped taking my meds. This water boiler was taking over my life. I couldn't stop thinking about the water boiler.

One day, my friend gave me an idea. He said, "she wants you to ask to use the water boiler? Why don't you just ask. All the time." It was so obvious, I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. Malicious Compliance.

The next day I was in my room and I heard them having loud sex. I knocked on their door and said, "Hey can I use the water boiler?" They were pissed. She said, "No". I said, "Please? I need to boil some water". She said, "fine". I was committed to continue doing this until B finally let me use the water boiler without asking. But the next day, my plan had changed.

I woke up, and my other roommate Harry pointed at a brand new water boiler. He said, "Let me tell you what happened last night. I went to make some tea with B's water boiler, and as soon as I turned it on, she opened the door. She looked at me, and then said to C, 'I don't know who that is'. C walked outside and said, 'hey man, sorry, B wants you to ask to use the water boiler next time.' I was so mad. I told my girlfriend, and she let us borrow her water boiler for the time being."

He turned the water boiler around and there was a piece of tape on the water boiler that said, "This is my girlfriend's but anyone can use it." It was the perfect end to the water boiler saga.

I felt empty. Did I really care about the water boiler or did I just care about spiting B? Was I just jealous that I hadn't a proper girlfriend in over a year? All I had were one night stands after nights drinking with my friends. I told everyone that I liked being independent. I told myself that I wanted to be independent. But deep down, did I want something more? The water boiler was just a distraction from my true feelings about myself. Had I been lying to myself this whole time? I felt cold, like an icicle had been stabbed through my heart. All this time I had hated B, but did I really just hate myself. I think it was both. Anyway, this new water boiler was even better than the first one. It was more advanced, and made a beeping sound when the water was done. But, why, for the next week or so did I continue to use B's water boiler? Did I have feelings for B? All my life I had pushed away women that had truly cared about me and pursued the women that were hard to get. It couldn't be. I hated B. But what if it were true? No. There was no way. But how could I believe myself when I had been lying to myself this whole time.

The nights were empty and cold. I slept in a full sized bed alone every night. A bed that was far too big to be slept in alone.

About one month later. I was laying in my bed, and I had heard crying and screaming coming from outside my room. I thought at first that B and C had broken up. I opened the door, but she was not crying from emotional pain. It was physical pain. I asked C what had happened and if she was ok. He said, "Yeah. She just burned herself with the water boiler." Hahaha what a dumb bitch.