Steem Wars: The Voyages of the RS Flying Wardrobe: On To Libris

On To Libris

The hypersteem drive thrust me back into my previous form and threw me against the rear bulkhead. Almost. Some of me was still sitting there looking very much like the bowl for petunias. I looked down at myself to see what was missing.

My pants. I had no pants.

You’ll never see a Vegan naked, if the Vegan has anything to do with it. It’s not vanity or morality. We’re actually quite promiscuous. But there are some things we’d just rather not share.

I stretched my fingers across the room as fast as I could and reached the bowl. It was a part of me again, and became my pants immediately. In an instant, my fingers retracted and I was wholly normal again.

“Hey! What was that?” A tall blonde humanoid towered over the small group of misfits staring at me. Beside her was an animal that could easily make a meal for an entire family of Vegans.

“Who cares? Can you do it again?” The blue-headed guy with the worms cocked his head to one side. I couldn’t decide if he was smiling or if his chin was falling off in super slo-mo.

The mechanical blinked each eye, one at a time. “Logic requires a response. Logic requires a response.”

“You were naked, right? Just for a moment?” The blonde again. Something about her voice made me want to answer truthfully, but I lied anyway.

“It must have been the hypersteem jump.”

“This isn’t my first hypersteem, buddy. I know what I saw.” Her animal leaned forward and bared his teeth, a low rumble beginning in his throat.

“I hope your dog knows his manners?” I smiled at her. “I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying that sometimes there is a slight drag on the spacetime frame of existence and things may appear to be in more than one place at any given time.”

The mechanical finally found its way out of the loop. “Response acquired: What the fu…”

He was interrupted by a loud wailing from the central console. We all looked to the viewscreen.

Have none of you ever seen a Vegan before? Carnif Jeb, I am R2-BEX2 or just Bex.

“Oh!” The tall blonde girl rubbed her animal’s thick neck. “It’s a Vay-gun!” She smiled brightly at me. “I’ve always wanted to meet one of you guys!”

I stood and addressed them all. “It’s Vee-g’n, if you please. We’re Vegan, not Vaygun. Greetings, Bex!”

The Blue guy shoved a twisted hand in my direction and I took it as a handshake. “Carnif-Geb. Pleased to meet you.” I smiled at the blonde. “That’s Car-nee Jeb. Silent eff, soft gee..”

I looked back at the blue guy. “And you are…?”

“I’m… thinkin’.” The blue guy paused. “Zombie. Just call me Zombie.” His worms wiggled and I wasn’t sure, but they looked happy when he said that word.

“Seven is my designation.” The mechanical held his hand toward me, palm out. “Excuse me while I scan you for my files. I’ve never encountered a Vegan before.”

“Scan away, Seven.” I turned my attention again to the tall blonde and held out my hand. “And you…”

“I am Tiny and I am a witch.” She nodded to her companion. “This is Liam. Don’t mess with me and he won’t mess you up.” Liam sniffed at my hand.

She turned around and walked to the console. “We’ve rescued you from the escape pod you were in. Do you mind telling us how you ended up there?”

My hand dropped to my side. “I was on Earth just before it was nixed. Had to hitch a ride on whatever I could find. Ended up on a ship with an improbability drive, of all things. You saw how the hypersteem drive affected me? Improbability drive is much worse. I had to escape that ship.

“Then the escape pod didn’t have any food. And the water malfunctioned, shorting out the life support. I had to go native to survive.”

“Go native?” All the worms in Zombie’s head turned to wait for my answer.

“What is the meaning of ‘go native’?” Seven extended his palm again.

Tiny glanced over her shoulder but didn’t say anything. Liam sat and it looked for all the universe like he was smiling at me.

“You know--native. I had to get back to some variation of my original form.” I glanced around at each of them. “You do know, right?”

Their eyes remained blank. They didn’t know. I suddenly wasn’t so sure I wanted to tell them. There were strands in our knowledge that reminded us that monoform animals might react violently when they learn of our true nature.

Luckily, the wail sounded again. We all looked to the viewscreen.

Prepare to exit hypersteem in three…. two… one.

We were prepared this time and everyone was braced for the transition. I had no trouble maintaining my form. I decided it might be best to just keep it on for a while.

Emergency action required. Message incoming from Jay. Proget’s is epidemic. He needs our help now! Move it!

I had no idea what was going on but it seemed like a great way to escape an unwieldy explanation I didn’t care to deliver. I followed behind the others down the corridor.

---

---

To read the story leading into this one read To Liberate a Librian

See more STEEM WARS stories over at steemshelves.com

---

---

STEEM WARS is a party. I mean a parody. OK, it's a parody party. Won't you join us? Click the big banner below and tell 'em STEEM WARS sent you. I mean, tell 'em you're interested in joining a crew.