Fertility penguin
Men and women who are having a difficult time having children usually go to a fertility clinic. But just the other night I woke-up with what I would call an ah-ha moment where it all made complete and total sense, a simple and easy at-home remedy for infertility.
First off you’re going to need a penguin. Pretty much any kind of penguin will do, but in this case the bigger the better! You definitely don’t want the penguin to choke!
Now the couple that are going to try and have a child or want to get pregnant are going to have to have sex with a condom on without spermicidal lubricant. Each time the man ejaculates take the condom off while squeezing every last drop of cum inside the condom and place in the freezer. Be careful not to spill! Repeat this until you have ten filled condoms; preferably do this in the morning when sperm count is at its highest.
You’re also going to need a full tank of helium with a hose. These can be bought at any party store that sells balloons. With these 3 things make sure to unthaw condoms fully prior to starting or else thing can get pretty chilly for the penguin and the female.
Make sure the penguin is very hungry, we suggest to not feed the penguin after midnight. With the unthawed condoms ready, dangle each one over the penguin like it’s a fish, it helps to wiggle it a little. Make sure the penguin eats all ten of the pre-filled condoms. OK this is where you’re going to have to move a little faster you don’t want the penguin to start digesting your potential children!
This next step will require both of you to work as a team. One of you needs to straddle the penguin so the penguin is lying on his stomach, his head should be to the rear and you should be holding his ass down with your hands, if you try it the other way the penguin will try to bite you! With the penguin in position take the helium and lube the end of the hose with a non-spermicidal lubricant and shove inside the penguins rectum, you will notice him start to make his penguin in stress call, do not be alarmed just make sure none of his buddies are not in the area because they will try to attack you.
With hose in place gently turn the helium on; you will know it’s working when his stress call gets higher in pitch! With helium running and the system going the way it should, the person that isn’t lying on the penguin needs to be at the head of the penguin’s body. You will start to see the condoms blowing up out of the penguin’s mouth like he’s blowing a gum bubble only in this case it will be a condom cum bubble. When the condom gets to party size, as quickly as possible without letting any helium out, tie off the condom. It helps to be indoors so the condom balloons don’t float away along with your potential children. The penguin will become very upset as all ten are completed and you may need an extra person. With all ten filled, quickly run away from the penguin, his legs are really short and so he can’t run that fast, preferably do this on carpet or a non-slick surface so the penguin doesn’t slide after you, they are very fast sliders.
With the helium filled cum condoms ready. Find a bench or hard surface to play the ever popular office game of balloon pop relay, the single version for obvious reasons, where the female sits without bottoms on and preferably completely naked, you’re going to want to record this! Babies conception is about to begin!
The way it works is there is a chemical compound that mixes with the helium and the penguins CO 2 and the sperm so when she sits on the balloons the sperm feel like they are floating towards space in this case space is synonymous for her vaginal canal.
This also can be done with other couples in a fertility party with all babies born at the same time! Yeah! Besties! Forever and ever and ever! Relatives are not suggested for this game for fear of extra chromosomes showing up during birth. Also, be careful not to get the condoms mixed up, I would suggest each couple having their own colored condoms. Or if your all really close and nobody has any objections a fun game called baby roulette conception can be played. In order to find the baby’s father you all can take a trip to the Maury Povich show to find out who the real father is and everyone can have a good laugh. During the same time I would suggest having a reunion by getting the penguin to meet the baby, for a memory and pictures that will last a lifetime!
So infertile myrtles everywhere your biological clock is ticking and having a baby is no longer a dream! Due to animal cruelty laws and PETA activists this may not be available in your state country and you may have to travel to Antarctica or careful sneak into your local zoo. Happy baby making!