Excuse me, could I interest you in an article about how people are generally terrible?

Warning: This article may be cynical, entertaining, and potentially factual--making it unsuitable for marketing professionals, sales managers, and many American politicians.

A Simple Internet Search

So, you're cruising along the information super-highway (does anyone even remember us calling it that?), when all of the sudden, you get hit with these guys:

I had no idea I could add AOL for Broadband to any high-speed cable or DSL connection, thanks for letting me know--gee willikers, I sure am glad these popups are here to tell me what to buy.

And, it annoyed everyone you knew, didn't it? By all accounts, no one you know is buying this stuff and that means it doesn't really profit the companies to do this--so, it must end, right? No. It only gets worse as the very people who brought you the fastest internet searches (you know the one I'm talking about) helped the idea of paid search result positions become an internet norm.

When I think, "laptop," I think Lenovo. *ding*

Now, we have search bias on a whole new level, and on top of that, we now have ads on the sides of anything remotely interesting that's not heavily backed financially in order to need the ad revenue--and even then, most companies choose to go ahead and stick some ads there because why not?

"Hey, Martha, it looks like Castro--ailing because it's 2006--is giving temporary ... Holy shit! Will you look at that, Martha! We could save on a Flat Panel TV! Let's buy one!"

Right, for the sake of moving things along, let's accept the internet as it is because, well, it's not getting any better, folks. Let's instead take a look at some old trends that are making a comeback in a big way.

A Simple Trip To The Grocery

Yesterday, I was sitting in my office, doing that thing I do for money, and what should I hear from the living room? SLAM!

"I hate [local grocery store]! I wish [another local grocery store] wasn't so far away or I wouldn't even think about going back to [local grocery store #1]. I'm serious. You won't believe what happened to me!"

My wife is obviously agitated by some unpleasant and unforeseen event that has transpired at our local grocery store. She doesn't appear to want to return to the store but seems to be at a loss for an alternative within reasonable driving distance. She's really considering it though because of this unpleasant and unforeseen event that has transpired at the local grocery store. The very same event that has put my wife into such a physical rage that my 125 lbs. Ozymandias is cowering in the furthest reaches of the space under my desk where my feet belong.

"Nobody will get me behind this tree..." - Ozymandias, the Fear Inspiring

While my wife was shopping, she ran into the normal sort of grocery shopping people issues like the dreaded two back-to-back old people who are completely unaware of each other's presence as they search for that last little can of [branded food substance from one aisle over] as well as your inability to reach the chick-peas.

Suddenly, after retrieving a bag of [branded Ozymandias chow] she realized she was being followed by ... a woman in a solid color polo wearing an ID badge around her neck with a lanyard! And, it only got worse as she neared and my wife could make out a clipboard!

Fearing unwarranted false pleasantries and faux enthusiasm for a menial job, as well as potential social interaction with someone wearing a lanyard, my wife took evasive maneuvres, but she hadn't taken into account the weight shift of the hastily loaded Oz chow, so she lost time carefully regaining control of her cart. She managed to round the endcap. Frozen goods! If she could just make it to frozen goods, she might escape, but to her dismay, she could hear the lady's voice calling her and getting closer.

"Excuse me!"

Round the shrimp, round the shrimp!

"Miss! Excuse me!"

Too late! With the added weight of the Oz chow throwing the alignment off of an already shoddy cart, even in her New Balance, my wife could not hope to outrun the thirty-eight-pound woman with the shoulder length hair wearing those brandless, white canvas boat-shoes that all employees with lanyards at grocery stores wear.

My wife lets out an intentionally audible grunt as she balls her fists and juts her chin towards the ceiling as though challenging the stick-figure with the clipboard to mortal combat. Ms. Mall-walking Relay Champion, 2005 detects my wife's frustration and responds in the only appropriate fashion; by being snide.

"Excuse me, miss, but I just want to see if you wanted free gro..."

"No, thank you," my wife struggles out as politely as the mighty god of war raging inside her mind will allow.

"But, you could've saved up to $30 if you'd have just bought a bag of [not-Ozymandias chow] and one [branded not-Oz toy that Oz would destroy in ways that would make children weep]."

"No, thank you, I don't need those things," My wife manages before storming off, leaving smoking tracks where her cart had been.

To make matters worse, three or four minutes later my wife overhears Skinny McSellYouStuff telling another customer, "She," motioning to my wife, "didn't want to save up to $30 on [probably pocket-dog food]..."

That was a somewhat embellished account of my wife's misfortunes at the grocery today--an account my wife requested I write, in fact. This is not simply one woman's experience. I know there are others out there wondering what is happening. What could possibly have caused popup ads to become human and accost an innocent shopper simply trying to buy scrumptious yummies for a 125 lbs Ozymandias?

A Simple Truth About People

They're stupid.

"Bro, I'm gonna make so much money on YouTube..."

Let's face it; People are stupid. I know so many smart people personally, that I find it hard to believe the majority of people are really, really stupid--until I am forced to interact with them. Yes, someone is buying this load of absolute shit people like human-grocery-store-popup-lady are feeding them and it makes the companies so much money that even QVC still exists!

I'm sorry to tell everyone this, but this is the future. It's here, and it's simulcasting synthetic synergy into your skull with electronic, energetic, easy-to-use, motivating, multitasking, maintenance-free, upbeat, downloaded, powerful, natural, organic minerals designed to disinfect and soothe your sweet-tooth for greedy goodies. And it's on sale now if you buy a lifetime supply.