I'm A Bee Detective (Seriously), And My Job Is Crazy AF

I'm A Bee Detective (Seriously), And My Job Is Crazy AF

Picture a bee detective. Did you just conjure up an image of an anthropomorphic bee in a little fedora, making honey puns at the sexy queen that just got buzzed into his office? Good. We're on the same wavelength here. But sadly, that's not what a real bee detective looks like. We spoke to Dale, an apiary inspector for the state of Ohio. As he puts it, "My job is to look for disease in the hive [and] issues with pests that can cause harm to that hive or hives in the area." If it's any consolation, you may continue to picture him as a cartoon bee in a trench coat. There's no harm in that.

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Being A Bee Detective Sometimes Means High-Speed Chases And The Police

A lot of wacky misunderstandings happen when you're cruising around in a beemobile. "I received a call for a swarm that was at a neighbor's house [when] my wife and I were at a wedding," Dale says, because bee detectives are apparently on call? "I knew I only had a short time before they would fly off, so dressed in my suit, I threw on a bee vale and climbed a tree [to] cut a branch off that had the swarm. I did not have anything to put them in, so I just laid the branch with bees on it in the back of the van and jumped in and drove them to my apiary."

That turned out to be a bad plan. "I had bees flying all over in my van and I did not have my full suit on, so I was worried that I would get stung," Dale continues. He admits he was "driving a little fast" when he noticed the worst thing he could have seen at that moment: flashing red and blues. "A state trooper clocked me and tried to pull me over," he explains. "Not sure what to do, I pulled over, he came to the window ... I held up my badge and yelled that I had bees in the back, [and] when he looked in the van, he could see the swarm buzzing around. I have never seen someone run to their car so fast and take off."

So Tommy Boy was completely right. Again.

Even just the ol' beemobile itself can cause some problems. "I was out inspecting in the woods and left my car parked alongside the road with a magnetic sticker on the side identifying me as the county bee inspector." Much to his surprise, "my car was called in as a meth lab (because of my smokers in the back) and it was impounded and searched." Presumably, that magnetic sticker is a lot bigger and more prominent now. Perhaps featuring several profanities. But speaking of bees and illicit substances ...

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People Use Beekeeping To Hide Illegal Drug Operations

Did you know that beehives are a great cover for your illegal weed-growing operation? Dale told us: "While inspecting hives, I came across marijuana growing between the hives. There were four hives, four plants in an alternating pattern with about 40 fully growing plants around the hive."
It's actually a clever setup. "[It] seems that [the] heat signature of a beehive and ... marijuana plants are similar, so they're harder to detect," Dale explains. "When a helicopter or drone flies over using heat signature technology looking for the plants, it looks like a row of beehives. The hives are registered, so when the location is checked against the Department of Agriculture database, the location will show as a registered apiary (bee yard) and be dismissed. Also, honey can be harvested about the same time that the marijuana plants are harvested, so there is little suspicion. The state of Ohio allows for an apiary to be excluded from inspection as a voluntary opt-out." It's an almost foolproof scheme. Unfortunately, "the location that I came across forgot to check that box."

While Dale has only encountered this kind of situation twice in five years, he reports that inspectors in Southern Ohio run into it all the time. A bigger problem for him is the surprising number of people (that is, more than zero) with an equal love for beekeeping and bootlegging. "I have one beekeeper [whose hives I inspect], and I have to carry a walking stick with me to check for bear traps [because] he runs a moonshine still and does not want anyone just showing up on his property and finding it. He does not always remember where he has placed the traps, so I use the stick and keep my eyes to the ground when I walk back to his hives."

Bizarrely, it's legal to make moonshine in Ohio, but "there are still some 'good ol' boys' that feel the government needs to stay out of their business, so they run unregistered stills." That's where this sort of thing becomes an ethical dilemma for Dale. As a government employee, it's bad news for everyone, including him, if he witnesses illegal activity. "As far as reporting, there is a fine line between getting involved and getting shot. I stay out of the reporting-of-stills business, as I don't want to upset anyone. My main concern is the inspection of the hives, and the rest is up to other inspectors." Unfortunately, "with marijuana, it is a must-report." That shit's federal, and "it would be a charge of obstructing justice all the way to accessory to the crime" if he didn't.

God help us if Dale hasn't made at least one "harshing your buzz" pun while reporting them.

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Stings Aren't Dangerous, But Rednecks With Guns Are

"As far as stings, the understanding that the wasp family and the bee family are two different things is very important," Dale says. "When we talk about wasps, we are talking about wasps, hornets, yellowjackets. These are not pollinators, and are just bugs. They have a smooth stinger and can sting over and over again. They run their stinger like a sewing machine and will sting up to 20 times in a few seconds. Beekeepers keep away from these."