LOVE SUCKS. If you want it to.
Ready to get personal? - Good
We are very accustomed to the superficial scroll and swipe that dating has come down to, putting our best dress and mask on for a few nights of fun, if that. We show off our best qualities and put the slob in the trunk. Cloaking our insanity is a scheme to our human nature, while we look perfect in our heels and tie, such a beautifully sinister smile laying upon our face as both eyeballs intently roam across this strangers existence, not missing a pore. Using our antennas to search the matter they consist of, in hopes that the pursuit doesn't lead to a twisted gut and the feeling of wanting to run. It's so superficial!
THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK
Over 2.5 years ago I found myself lost and confused of my purpose and way, who the hell am I ? We often ask ourselves this question when we get out of a long term relationship and so much of our time was compromising who we are for another, merging ways of life... now that scent of them no longer lingers on our neck. I had gotten out of a very unhealthy relationship, being off and on, people in between. Mostly I was loving out of fear, fear of instability, fear that I wouldn't find anyone... I mean this guy was good to me, but he also was toxic to me... I just wasn't in love, more like infatuated until that fire burnt out and I was just hanging onto dense wet ropes that were clinging my heart down... I didn't become aware of this until the end was really the end, this time. For the rest of life.
WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF!
To cut ties with dead ends of the past. To snip away at those damp ropes that are doing nothing but weighing our hearts down and creating a birthing mound of mold! I started dating people and I would get these tugs on my gut like, not this way! All those tenacious tugs led to the bed I lay in today... But before we talk about where the magic is currently happening, lets talk about how it happened!
The asshole before the king:
I never dated anyone so intense and belittling... growing up there were no strong male figures in my life. Father out of the picture, and one relationship an uncle by dating which that relationship no longer exists. The women in my family worked together to help each other out, still till this day. My mother raised three children as a single mother, so all I know is the power of a woman when she is taking care of a pack. I know the strength and courage it takes to run the ship, I seen it, I experienced the fierce heat of being a fatherless cub. They had horrible taste in men; I have a lot of memories of the jack ass shit they would do, or how they would act to them in aggressive cruel manners. But I never dated one of these guys... until the asshole before the king came along.
First night meeting, a little too much whiskey and too much creativity happened resulting into a blackout hook up, fun fun! what a worthless time... like don't you want to remember if it was good or not!? How do I know that I even wanna call him back? Well as we started "dating"(short lived) he began to get really weird and jealous on me, he had this image of me in his head that he couldn't let go of... till it ate him alive. BOOM! He did it to himself. I just let it linger a little longer because as much as I knew I wasn't suppose to be with him I knew there was something I have yet to learn from it. On the way home from an open mic night we experienced an explosion, (this I am not proud of) I was driving home (pretty lit) and I ask him (this I am proud of) "is there anything you want to talk about? Really? You separated yourself all night and your acting weird." He blows up into the nights event:
Ass asks if he can talk to one of my best friends, who just so happens to be like a grizzly bear and in my previous relationship offended my boyfriend and completely showed the true colors of this guy. I just laugh and say "if you really want to!lol!" shrug my shoulders and walk into the brewery. He asks him "how many guys has she fucked this year?" (keep in mind it was only Feb) My friend goes "23, thats number 15 right there" apparently he took it to heart, when he went on stage he made a shout out to number 15 and called him self number 16, I didn't catch it till my friend filled me in. He created his own chaos because he had this image of who I was soaking in all his fears.
The ride home made me connect with a higher part of myself, as he was calling me names and trying to break me down into nothingness I felt the warrior in me slam my foot down, literally... thank god a friend that met up with us was behind me and he was the one bumped my tail! I screamed so fucking loud that Grizzly, two cars behind me thought he needed to get out of his car! I stopped the influence of his words, I made sure he choked on them and compiled all those times that I brushed his shitty ass comments off my shoulder and I told him I know who I am and I am not this twisted fuck doll his delusional brain depicts me as. I literally felt my energy wash past me and into deeper realms of existence. The next day a girl from Facebook I never met before told me she had a dream about me, it was very intimate and radiated goddess. (Just a confirmation of my internal dialogue) That night pretty much was the straw that broke the camels back, along with the other shitty ways he would throw my spirit around as if it could just be used as a nut rag. That is not my worth.
SELF-REALIZATION
I truly feel that in those moments of realization, my understanding and knowing of my worth was attracting that who was deserving of my heart. My boyfriend now, Jamie wrote me on Facebook in reply to a 3am photographic poetry post asking if I wrote that. Well yes I did, and we talked everyday since than. See we have a lot of mutual friends but we never crossed paths, thank god because I was like a tornado down my chaotic lane and he wasn't the holiest of priests on his path. Eventually he asked me if I want to be an extra in a commercial he was filming... me walking out the door with confidence "I'm not just an extra" (as I end up in a speaking roll) I was nervous to meet him and I had only been on set a handful of times, but I showed up with my A game, shoving those skeletons in the closet!
The first time I invite Jamie out was a group gathering with the ass and his friends and that night they were side by side and I'm looking at ass, he is just complaining and moping about giant jenga I think " why am I attracted to you?" looking at Jamie just smile, he was laughing and having a good time. I ran into an old friend of mine and he wanted to dance with me, I was hesitant because I knew I was being put under the microscope of dooms day, I could feel his eyes burning into my soul than I heard Jamie laughing and cheering to counter attack his burn ! I went to go sit down next to the fire that burnt me and he gave me the cold shoulder and said he was going to leave. PEACE OUT !
That was it! I was sitting there balancing an angel and an egotistical prick on my shoulders... It wasn't hard to decipher what I was gravitated towards, Jamie. My first trip to visit him in Miami, he showed me around and just so happen to remember that he told his family who was in from out of town that he'd meet up with them. We had such a great night, at the end of the night we were in the uber home and I fell asleep on his lap he just rubbed my head and when we went to "bed" he didn't try to poke me... he just held me, we fit like puzzle pieces, nuzzled in what the fuck is this!? it feels so good!? He didn't try to fuck me for a while, I respected that and I wanted time because the last guy totally sexualized my existence. We ended up going on separate trips me to Cali him to New York. During that distance we became so close, I swear it was like love in the air... I could smell it, I could feel it in the breeze, he witnessed it in the sunrise. We talked and couldn't wait to talk some more... It was heaven merging in two different vessels being expressed in our day. I couldn't stop thinking about him and how his spirit gave me butterflies! There ended up not being an initial day we started dating, it is something that just happened... we literally fell into love. So around May we celebrate us for about three months doing random shit. It's pretty cool and untraditional.
THROUGH THE SHADES WE SAILED
Fast forward to present day! Holy fuck has it been a ride! We removed masks so we can be seen to the point of so ugly that we had to stop to think if this is really where we want to be.
TO BE REAL:
What is so hard to face in the relationship is myself, my ego, my scars, my what I thought was brokenness. I have come to learn that it is not that I am breaking but the old version of me is dying. I physically and spiritually felt the burst of the end of me and here is this angel man bringing such holy light to me after I have been living in my shadows, cold from the world. It's like learning how to love yourself all over again... he brought that to me... to self realization and he continues to bring me closer to myself.
He would be experiencing my expression of traumatic pasts and just hold me in my ugly, till my wails turned to sobs, turned to breath. He holds up the mirror for me when my vision becomes to hazy.
I told myself at some point in my life:
Whatever man has the patience and understanding to deal with me, wins my heart.
Fuckin' Jamie.
It literally fills me with so much gratitude how our spirits and human form interact and work through the layers of love that challenge us to become better humans. Right next to my momma he is my number one fan! I learned, that what you admire in people, you have within you, you have just yet to spark the fire. He is my opposite : ahead of time, punctual, driven business man while I'm over here and I just want to listen to the song in the wind and fondle the salty water with my toes as I create magic through my naked gypsy mermaid character. He is my sun, such a beautiful person to reach up at in admiration.
WHAT'S THE SECRET?
Understanding yourself, so you can better understand people.
By understanding I mean bringing awareness into your pain body, what makes you tick and flip. Things will happen, reactions will be made. Instead of seeing those reactions as an insult see how they can be hurting, do you see past pains like boyfriend issues or daddy issues, fears of abandonment, fears of unworthiness. Where have they felt that emotional expression before? Be a gentle reminder that is not where you are in the current moment. Be proactive about loving the unecessary weight your partner is apprehensively holding onto. Being proactive means being open to listening and desiring to find a resolution. I am very aware that my arguments aren't a result of a happening but of relationship morals and past wounds. You are only going to get through the layers of love through communication and compassion.
Sometimes when we argue I know my certain reactions are being catapulted with fear and bloody pain, I know I'm going to have to apologize after but my ego will win the battle forcing my lips to smash together with rage. To overcome what makes us tick takes a lot of work! A daily practice, some days are better than others, you just have to own your shit and keep on moving. Be accountable for you, hold them accountable to them. It's not easier but it definitely makes it a lot more straightforward, resulting in a closer bond than you shared before.
Cut through the bullshit!
I'm no pro, I am just doing this, learning and expanding in my footsteps... in my aura. His love heals me, and he doesn't even know it at times, the impact of his touch. Just earlier we were fucking and he started kissing a scar on my belly... he didn't realize it, but I did. I felt his warm lips seal the scar with love, rewriting its story. He didn't know it, but I felt it. He is helping heal my daddy issues, showing me what it is like to have that kind of figure; strong, independent, compassionate, understanding, love driven support in my life (it does exist). His father too, They (his family) are bringing so much richness to the cracked parts of my soul that are yearning to be loved and let go of. We all have issues, we all are subliminally throwing them around in our expression, it just wants attention, to be loved and understood and reassured that life isn't as scary as it seems.
LOVE
Is such a beautiful fucking thing! Holy shit it's painful but when you find that special one, the roller coaster ride is so worth it! Being involved in relationships help us progress in our beingness at a more rapid rate, mirrors are held up, explosions are made and yet we grow an inch taller. How brilliant! this thing called darkness! Practice recognizing reactions and emotions behind them, analyze yourself and your internal dialogue than you will be able to correlate with other dialogues.
It's not about being perfect! It's about growing together!
Thank you steemers for sticking with me through this very personal love story of mine. I hope inspiration has been captured by wild fire hearts! May the love be spread so infectiously that we can't help but to grow!
With infinite love,
Devin Lucretia