Dear Diary: Why I Fear Death?

I feel like a worn rubber band today due to my dialysis yesterday because it is actually what happens to my body when I get dialyzed every time I get hooked in the dialysis machine. As a dialysis patient (In hemodialysis type) I often wait for days to get dialyzed or get to clean my blood again so I would accumulate fluids in my body as I do not produce pee anymore, so water gets trapped and no way to get out but only in hemodialysis where pressure is applied on the blood so that waste products as well as nutrients needed by the body are leached out from the blood by the dialysis machine system.

So the body is cleaned so fast and efficient that the patient can already feel the cleaning action about thirty minutes from the time they got hooked up depending on factors such as the dialyzer type, how fast blood is pumped in and out of the body, and how much water should be taken out from the patient. So the patient can feel better right away and will start to eat as the urea breath vanishes away and the appetite returns.

If you want to know what does the patient sense with their breath ever so often, then just imagine when you ingested some alcohol or wine, then replace that alcohol breath with urea breath, that is what the patient smells when they are near the dialysis day especially if the days are far in between, then you could never make use of the patient, they will surely much be feeling drunk in illness and unwellness. That is what I am enduring all the years of my life being a dialysis patient.

But I still fear death because right now I still want to do things that I myself would get surprised if I did it especially from the people around me who seemed to had lost hope and just waved the flag of giving up even before they had fought alongside me. I also feel that my parents needed me as I need them because I still do want to help them out with their wishes in life like having no problem with money and all that so that they could feel more secure and not find themselves wanting.

Leaving my lovedones unsettled is why I fear death. I just want them to get settled and have with a peace of mind before I go because especially for my parents, they are just old and dependent on their pension for food and basic necessities but if some big financial problem will arise I don't think they could get help if not get the psychological burden of handling it all. So if they would never think about money anymore after I died, I would be happy.

I really do not fear death, the prelude to it is what makes me feel stress especially when I feel that my heart is having an irregular heartbeat and doesn't know if the current beats are it's last beat. The inconvenience of dying like feeling incontinence, sudden pain, and dizziness makes me feel to not want to die when I knew that I will die in this instance or that so I just wanted to die without knowing it if not very fast then I would be happy.