I Hate You I Love You, I Have Enough, I Need More
The trials and tribulations of an alcoholic! Wake up it’s a beautiful day, birds are singing, grass is green, to top it off I just need one thing. A drink in my hand, liquor in my cup, no matter how much I drink, it is never enough. Until!
“Enough enough I can’t take this anymore, choose me or that bottle, or I am walking out that door”. But I love you, “it makes me hate you”, I need you “No, I am leaving you”. When will it ever stop when will it all end alcohol you are my only friend. The daily battle of a man, a bottle, and his wife!
I wasted many years chasing a bottle and the bottom of it. Never getting enough only filling my cup. What is this hold this demon this bottle? Wait don't toss it I need to finish that last swallow. The debt, the loss, the love, the cost. Without you I have no courage with you I am a fool, the poison inside of me my weapon my tool.
See alcohol is many things to an alcoholic but a stop is not one of them. For many years I held this secret never able to let it go. Afraid of how the world would view me, my problems, and my past. A last, I finally want to be free and share this deep dark part of me.
I nearly lost it all on a dark night. We were at my mother’s birthday party I had been sitting at the bar drinking nonstop. My wife said no more let’s go home, give me the keys I will drive she said, just lay in the back go to bed.
Angered rage filled me fueled with this alcohol this drink this anger in me. My pride was being damaged I knew I could drive. I yelled, get in! The darkness was becoming madness in my head. Three children mother in law wife all secured. On this death mission we would ride destination unsure.
The road home was long I am sure about this, fading in and out of blackouts losing my temper. One red light two red lights no police around, engine racing heart pacing sanity unwound. I yelled I screamed pressing the gas even more. They prayed for a stop, a cop, wondering among them is this a sign was daddy going to kill us is this our last time.
I wake up alone in the back of my truck, what’s wrong what did I do this time, where is my family where have they gone, vomit in the seat my clothes are torn. I open the back of the truck door I fall to the ground; the birds are all quiet it's dark no sounds. Confused and dazed, discombobulated and dizzy, where is my god why is he not with me.
Alone and lost no bottle no friends, only red in my eyes and blood on my hands. What did you do? I don't remember, did you do it again? I asked myself to remember. Temperance was gone, I blacked out and forgot, alone in my sin, no love in my heart.
Finding my phone on the ground placing it back together one bar one call. I called my wife hello baby where are you, are you safe, what did I do. Where am I what happened, did I hit someone, did I hit you, can you help me, can you come get me, do you still love me?
I cried, rescue me my love! Prayed to my lord, save me my god! Please never let this happen again.
After much time and thought I was at risk of losing my wife I made the call. Hello sir, can you help me I asked, “we have a program twelve steps my friend”. Will they judge me? “No”. Is it anonymous? “Yes”. I'm afraid! “Don't be”. How do I start? “Admit it”. What? “You have a problem”. I do!
Breaking the chains, a last I am free 4 years sober and still trying to get over the demons the past the lies the lust. The life of an alcoholic leave it alone I must.
First off, I am proud of you.
You've expressed honestly and that's important. It will help you to grow further. I think we all have dark pits of our life but the difference between the man that grows and the men that don't is how they've shared and cleansed their soul.
You're a very humble and accepting man. You've made some major steps in the right direction and to reverbarate what I said in the first line, I am very proud to know you.
It is funny Steem started off as another crypto run for me. However after being on the platform I have meet some great people, and found some great groups that are triggering things for me that is beyond what I ever imagined would come from this experience.
"I am very proud to know you". I accept that, know the feeling is mutual.
Much Respect!
Well this is how the atmosphere goes when we have a platform that somewhat encourages people to do better and take action. I value writing an awful lot now and I always love to express how I feel.
I'm glad you've found communities that will help you take steps in the right direction! Keep it up bud :)
Beep!Beep! @shadow3scalpel & listkeeper @chairborne have your six new veterans, retirees and military members on STEEM. We’ll be patrolling by to upvote your posts (because you are on the list) and we'll answer any questions you leave us. Comment by @shadowspub. This is a opt-in bot.
Oh I feel you so much - being an addict is hard work! Fighting the battle in your head every day is exhausting. The dark side always seems to win until you find some inner strength to fight back and take control. you should be so proud of yourself!!! I loved your honesty and the way you wrote this piece was fabulous!!
@andysantics48 I concur the fight is real. Realizing whats worth fighting for and whats not it gets easier, but the temptation is always there and you are spot on that's where you have to find that strength. Thanks for reading.
You're welcome and if I can ever be any help feel free to shout out :)
What an incredibly moving post. I enjoyed the raw emotion as well as the rhythm of the wording. This was my favorite part...
I am glad you enjoyed, my goal was to capture the moment. Placing the reader in the conversation, and sharing my struggle between holding on to what I loved, and losing whom I loved.
I think you definitely accomplished your goal.
very powerful!
incredible rhythm and emotion... thanks for sharing your innermost self!
Thank you, it is my version of poetry and pain just trying to share the story. Really appreciate the feedback.
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I'm crying reading this! Wow. Love how you told you story as a poem, (I love poems, go figure). I know how hard that must be to admit. Not only that you had an alcohol problem, but to acknowledge the danger and harm that you put your family through.
It's so good to hear that you're four years sober! That's a lot of achievement, and I don't think that it gets easier by time. It's an active choice every day that you should be really proud of! Gosh, this was so touching and emotional, kudos on your honesty and progress.
@poetrybyjeremy It has become easier to stay clear of it over time. You learn triggers, environment, and don't go to them. I appreciate you taking the time to read and glad you enjoyed.
That makes sense - if your triggers are quite manageable and you know them, then yes, it would be quite easier. It's nice to see people owning their mistakes and being so successful in managing their life. InspiringDude.