When the God of Life Allows Death

Death surely brings us a lot of sorrow. It is inevitable and people tend to put that into their mindsets to try to comfort them about it but, the pain will always be there. I have never understood how painful death was until my mom – the woman who has always been our steering wheel in life – has also reached death.

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My mom has been in the hospital for almost 2 months. They were having a hard time trying to figure out what was wrong with her because her lung is producing water on the inside that made it harder for her to breath and made her muscles hurt bad – they said, it was called pleural effusion.

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She has been transferred from hospital to hospital and it made it a lot harder because at the time, it was the peak of the pandemic - there were a lot of restrictions.

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I have seen how my mom’s body was slowly fading – it is like watching a flower slowly withering away. I saw every pain she has been through and yes, she tried so hard to fight and be strong amidst it all. Finally, she was diagnosed with cancer. They never figured out what type of cancer it was because they were still waiting for the results that was sent to a city far away. While waiting for the results, the doctors suggested that they will do a procedure where they will enlarge my mom’s lung so the pleura effusion will stop.

My mom was okay before she entered in that operating room but when she came back, she could hardly even breath. As my dad described it, she was like a slaughtered pig gasping for air – trying to fight for its life. It was 6PM when she got out of the operating room and 7AM of the next day, she passed away.

That night, she even still asked my dad to do a video call with us. She did not talk much because my dad didn’t let her. She was smiling and telling us that she loves us so much. She called my name and said,

“Ate langlang, I love you!”

She doesn’t say that often, but I could feel how much she loves us. Hearing her say those words made me really want to burst out into tears but I was trying so hard to hold my tears back because I don’t want her to see me cry and worry.

She was waving her hand goodbye. I thought she did that because they’d already hung the call up but actually, that was already her waving goodbye to us for her to go back home – her eternal home.

My dad told us to get our hearts ready for the big bad news because he too, felt it would be my mom’s last moments.
And the mere thought of getting our hearts ready for her death is too much for me and I couldn’t even figure out how to do it.

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How could you be ready for a member of your family to die? Is there even such a thing about being ready about it?

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We prayed all night until dawn. We never really think it will happen because we believed that God would hear our prayers and we believed that He will not allow that to happen to my mom.

But that morning, I was awakened by the news that my mom is gone. That was when my whole world just started to fall apart and all those tears that I was holding back just poured all at once like how the clouds would pour rain on a stormy day.

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I began to question God and I began playing the blaming game.

I blamed myself thinking, I should’ve done better – I should’ve prayed a lot harder.

I blamed the pandemic because if it wasn’t because of it, we could’ve just easily brought her to Cebu City where they said the best doctors and medical equipment are.

I blamed my dad – he shouldn’t have said “Yes” to the doctors when they wanted to do that procedure on her but I know, everything was also hard on him. It is so hard for us and I know, it is a lot more to him.

I blamed the doctors, and my heart was full of hatred for them that I wanted to even want to pay back for what they did.

I started doubting if God is really there, but I chose to still believe Him and prayed.

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For the whole day that day, I really couldn’t even feel myself anymore. I was travelling in a bus and get all the paper ready for the funeral but my tears just won’t stop from falling.

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Fast forward to this day, I realized many things – when the God of Life allows death, He knows what He is doing.

When the God of Life allows death, He knows you can handle it because He will always be there to comfort you. Even now sometimes, I forget that my mom isn’t here anymore. Sometimes, I just thought that she is just on one of her trips where she would stay there for quite some time but just be back one day.

When the God of Life allows death, He has a purpose for it and it will always be for good. Thinking about it now, I guess, God needed an angel who is very active and very good at many things (because my mom is like that) that is why He sent my mom back home. And also, maybe He wanted her to be our guide in heaven. Because one time, I had a dream about my mom where she told me,

“Lang, God is already moving.”

I didn’t see her face in that dream but I know it was her – it was her voice.

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When the God of Life allows death, He wants you to trust Him completely. In the end, His ways are better than our ways.

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Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isiah 55:8-9

We could never fathom God’s ways and our knowledge and wisdom isn’t enough to fully understand His plans for us. But one thing is for sure: the God of Life loves you and He does everything thinking and considering you – even death.