@barncat, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'm clearly missing something that you see, so perhaps let's take this one thing at a time.

Sticking with just the thief on the on the cross, what do I do with the scripture where Jesus says he has not yet ascended to heaven?

Also, you have two scenarios where Jesus is lying, if you stick to your theory:

• Jesus lied to the thief (today you will be with me in paradise)
  ...or...
• Jesus lied to Mary and the Apostles (I have not yet ascended to heaven)

In either scenario, Jesus would be reduced to a liar. There's no harmony in scripture in this case. So what do we do now?

As Bible students, we need to have an answer to these questions (1 Peter 3:15).