Hey there, my apologies for only replying now. As promised please check these:
His girlfriend came to the hospital (on) one of the days when everyone has gone to visit him(already).

She (comma) well... wasn't a whore

Straddling him on the hospital bed (no comma) but

After completing college (no full stop)

Pictures in the distance (no comma) but

I don't know if it is because of a difference in British and American english however I picked up on those. Hope it helps :) Cheers!!!