My profile was very irresponsible. I’m sorry.

About four years ago now I used to spend hours a day here on Steemit. I loved it. I’d spend my free time hunched over a keyboard writing different articles and analyzing pieces of entertainment, the world, political issues, and most importantly.... Drugs.

I had a long-standing series about psychoactive substances and their relation to psychology. Anxiety in particular. I made countless posts about different drugs and their effects on my social anxiety. I would go in depth on X substance and how much it helped with this. Then I’d move onto the next one and share the results, influencing everyone who read these pieces. These weren’t the highest earning posts i put up, but they were definitely the most consistent. I was younger and not quite as aware of a person as I am today, so I didn’t recognize this for what it was at the time. Reckless self medication and extraordinarily irresponsible behavior. Especially to throw this out into the ether and act as if it was a totally safe or healthy thing to do.

As I signed into this account for the first time in years tonight and read through those old posts the only thing I could think was how I hoped that I didn’t cause people to go out and engage in harmful behavior like I once did as a younger and less learned of a man. I dealt with the consequences of those actions. Some bad, some worse, and some not so much. However, there were definite consequences to my behavior at the time. I understand now that it was not the right way to go about things, nor was it something I should have pushed so eagerly or nonchalantly.

If I were documenting these experiences today I would do it in a much more responsible and nuanced manner. For drugs are not a solution to our cognitive shortcomings. Nor are they the answer to our problems. Once you go down that path you’re only shooting yourself in the foot in order to distract from the pain in your head.

I was a very broken person at the time I wrote about those topics. I was an anxious, lonely, depressed, and unproductive human being. Someone who craved love, human interaction, and understanding. The main theme from that time in my life is the pure isolation I felt throughout my day to day life. Even when I was around other people. The immense desire to be heard and accepted was prominent in my mind, and I longed for someone to sleep with at night. In my mind I thought that tweaking my consciousness with drugs would help me get there. This is a dangerous line of thinking, and one that I hope I didn’t drag anyone into alongside me.

Fast forward to today. I’m engaged to a beautiful women who I love more than anything in the world. One who I know loves me just as much. I’ve learned how to deal with my personal shortcomings in a manner so much infinitely healthier than before that it’s hard to even put it into words. Simply due to the fact that the way I used to engage with it was so incredibly toxic. My circle of friends is a much better, and smarter one than I ever had back then. I can appreciate my family. However most importantly of all....

I’m not perfect, I’m far from it. I know I probably have more issues than the average person. More self inflicted wounds and a bit more baggage. But I’ve learned that there is no sure fire magic solution to these problems. That short term relief is no replacement for long term growth. I’ve grown up, away from that person who’d spend all his time reading through drug forums and medicating his mental health issues. Then encouraging others to do the same.

I understand now that this was an irresponsible thing to do, and there was much more productive and much less reckless ways for me to offer advice to those on here who were my kindred spirits at the time. And for that, I apologize.