Take it easy on the ref.

Earlier today, as I was setting up my lawn chair so I could sit back and watch some eleven year old girls play some intense AYSO soccer, I noticed a dad from one of my son's former teams approaching me. He wore a huge grin from ear to ear. Wow was this guy happy to see me! I didn't realize I had left such a lasting impression on him. As he got closer, I stuck out my hand to give him a good old fashioned hearty handshake. As I did, he jabbed the handle of a red flag into my hand. It was only then that I noticed that in addition to wearing a giant grin... he was also wearing a blue striped AYSO referee jersey.

Damn it!

He wasn't happy to see me.

He was happy to see anyone who could easily be suckered into helping him referee this match.

If you can't find the sucker... you are the sucker.

Now many of you might be thinking that this is no big deal. It is just soccer and I was only a line judge. So it probably shouldn't have been a big deal. But it was.

First of all, I am what you would call an "Ugly American". I like my sports to be American rip offs of sports invented in other countries (and Hockey... because Bob and Doug McKenzie are form there so it is cool). Plus I really want the athletes I watch to be able to use their hands. As a result, soccer simply is not for me. I did actually watch a couple of World Cup games this year and enjoyed them, but two games in 47 years doesn't exactly qualify me as a fan. Everything I know about soccer is derived from watching sloppy AYSO games and arguing with my friends who are high school soccer coaches.

Second, during my 47 years on this planet, I have never refereed any sport. I simply can't do it. I get so focused on the ball that I miss virtually everything else going on. That is the exact opposite thing you want a referee doing. Referees need to see a little bit of everything. Although I can do that when sitting above the action (where I have refereed every professional sporting event I have ever seen far more competently than those damn professional refs), it is so hard for me to do at field level.

I'm pretty sure something about this is against the rules but I can't put my finger on it.

Third, I am really hard on myself. If I can't do something perfectly, I like to practice until I can. I don't ever want to let anyone down. Considering I only know the basics of soccer, have only watched a couple of professional games in my life, and have a tough time paying attention to things happening off the ball, I knew this would be a recipe for disaster.

Oh and speaking of rules, the damn offside rule drives me nuts! I really see it as a punishment for hustling. A punishment for running faster than your defender just seems nuts to me... but whatever. I know the idea is to prevent "cherry picking" but I prefer hockey's solution to the problem.

As line judge, I would be in charge of enforcing the rule requiring these 11 year olds to stop hustling.

Once that flag was in my hand, there was no turning back. I was going to need to run up and down the sideline, pay attention to who touched the ball last and be on the lookout to make sure no girl dared to run past a defender who chose to stand still. I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke.

Luckily, the first few calls were complete no-brainers. Some players clearly kicked the ball out of bounds. I pointed my flag in the correct direction and went back to trying to pay attention to everything. I even made a proper offsides call (which I still feel bad about calling).

Me calling my shot.

A few minutes later, a crowd of girls raced down my sideline. I knew that the player dribbling the ball would soon be attempting to center it to her striker (I am learning the lingo). As a result, I tried to take a quick peek to see if everyone was not hustling too much and passing up slow defenders. They weren't.

Thud!

The ball hit me.

I looked up and saw two girls from each team staring at me with faces filled with anticipation. Each of them had their hands extended waiting for me to hand them the ball. They were all itching to get the ball so they could quickly throw it in to start an attack. Unfortunately, I had been checking to see if any offensive players were running too fast in the middle of the field when the ball had been kicked out of bounds two feet away from me. It was probably the easiest call in the history of youth soccer. And yet, I had no clue at all whose ball it was. Because he had been screened by the other players, the referee had no clue either.

After staring at each other for a few seconds (while the ref's faced filled with bewilderment at how I could possibly miss who kicked a ball that actually hit me) he let me off the hook and pointed a random direction. The groans of the parents let us both know right away that he had chosen poorly (and I don't just mean choosing me as line judge).

Me after blowing the easiest call ever.

Was it a big deal? No. Do I really care? Not in the least. In fact, I can't wait to see my soccer coach buddies so I can completely make fun of the fact that I had to help ref a soccer game.

But what this did teach me is that it is REALLY FREAKING HARD to referee a youth sporting event.

So, the next time you are thinking about yelling at a volunteer ref for blowing the easiest call in the world, remember that they are probably some clueless dad who got tricked into referee the game. So please cut them some slack.

Now if it is a professional ref at a major sporting event... let them have it! Those guys are all idiots! I could clearly do a better job than them... from way up here in the stands with nothing riding on my decisions.

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