CALLING ALL WARRIORS

Someone called me a "keyboard warrior" this week. I've also been called an "armchair activist" before. I'd like to own these terms with pride today and I'll explain why.

I have diagnoses of Complex PTSD and MDD, aka Major Depressive Disorder, among others. It means I am a spoonie (if you don't know what a spoonie is, I highly recommend googling The Spoon Theory or checking out the links below). It means I have low energy most days and feel like passively sleeping myself to death other days. This doesn't mean I am worth less. It just means I have less time and energy at my disposal; at least I have laser-like focus in the rare moments when my stars do align. At least I have overflowing content to write about and too little time rather than the opposite problem. At least I have empathy and know what it's like be lacking, which is more than can be said for a lot of people.

But being a spoonie means I have to conserve my energy and plan ahead for every little thing such as brushing your teeth or making a phone call. This also includes Facebook arguments. They are ridiculous, mostly pointless, and time-consuming, but a fun distraction for me. I've met some of the most incredible and intelligent people that I know through Facebook arguments, so that alone has made it worthwhile for me. On top of my diagnoses, I am also an introvert who gathers energy when alone and spends it when out among other people. I can never say what I mean when it is coming out of my mouth, but I can sometimes when it comes from my fingertips. It is unfortunate, but being on the internet is my "being out in public" and my socializing, since socializing in person takes an immense toll on me. I also need much more time to recover and process everything that happens after socializing, as CPTSD has slowed down my processing speed.

I used to go to protests, but being out in public when it is not absolutely necessary (i.e. not running an errand, going to a dr appt or meeting) has gradually become a luxury for me. It doesn't mean this is the life I wished for or want. It is not. I requested an active life, and I envy the vanlifers, the cross-country skiers, the runners and the singers and dancers and actors. These are all things I can't do at the moment. I live all of the lives I want and more, in books and ideas and stories and writing and films and television, but I can't live it in my reality.

My dream is there though. My spirit is building homes for children in displaced areas, running marathons to raise funds for everything I stand for. My mind is out there parading and marching and picketing and striking and rioting and protesting, getting arrested and tear-gassed. My wallet is out there donating all the money I don't have right now but will make in the future. I'm not lazy or hiding. I'm not unwilling. I'm not in denial. I'm sick, and I'm accepting that sick is what I am from now on because there's no cure for the disorders that I have. I am learning to manage them though, and that is the only steady upward trend.

If we look at Wiktionary's definition of "keyboard warrior" - which I am mentioning only because it says something I want to discuss, not because dictionary definitions are the end all be all (they're not); dictionaries are for reference only, because just like history books they were written by the people in power. So what does Wiktionary say? "Noun. keyboard warrior (informal, derogatory) A person who behaves aggressively and/or in an inflammatory manner in online text-based discussion media, but at the same time does not behave similarly in real life, potentially due to cowardice, introversion or shyness." I hope they can change the ending of that ableist sentence as cowardice is most definitely NOT the same as introversion or shyness (social anxiety disorder being a real problem for many). And as a shy introvert, I have no problem getting in your face in real life when you provoke the beast.

As for "armchair activist", Wikipedia explains: "Armchair revolutionary is a two-word cliche which, along with the similar terms armchair activist and armchair socialist, is a description of a speaker or writer who professes radical aims without taking any action to realize them ("from the comfort of the armchair")." I venture to call this definition ableist. What is action? Is debating about it an action? Teaching, learning, writing, shouting, yelling are those actions? Is TYPING WHILE SITTING not an action? To paraphrase Johanna Hedva in her essay "Sick Woman Theory" (link below, highly recommended), everything is political. Whether you have access to a clean shower or not. Whether your anti-depressant is covered on Medi-Cal or not. Whether you have a bed to lie in or whether said bed is being repossessed due to alcoholism from childhood abuse. All political. So the question remains:

"How do you throw a brick through the window of a bank if you can’t get out of bed?" - Johanna Hedva, Sick Woman Theory

I use what's available to me. I'm scrappy and resourceful or I wouldn't still be here. If what I've got is an armchair and a keyboard, I'm going to use it. So I'm a keyboard warrior. I'm an armchair activist. You say it like it's a bad thing. I'm not the kind that you think you mean if what you mean is hypocrite - but then, aren't we all hypocrites to a degree, unless we can mold the world to what we wish?

The internet is my public. So I guess here I am, protesting out in public. Join me if you're a warrior too.

• MS

To learn about spoonies; people described in The Spoon Theory, read this
https://butyoudontlooksick.com/…/written-…/the-spoon-theory/

To learn about the Sick Woman Theory, read this
http://www.maskmagazine.com/not-…/struggle/sick-woman-theory