Steps of Healing #3: Fireside with You
Slumped over myself, with eyes closed, I sit here waiting for you.
Not knowing what to expect, I seek safety.
I try to not feel the weight of my body sinking into my feet. The tension in my shoulders, built up from sleeping too many people in the same bed, meets me with a pester. Breathe. Deeply and let it wander off into the forest. It'll be there after, but right now I need this space.
Skepticism. Doubt. Embarrassment. Performance anxiety.
My pests that feed in dim corners.
My arrogance gets ahead of me as I self-speak some secret serenity steps in my head.
Sink back. Breathe. Let the Unknown spill into the distance between your eyes and their lids.
The soft words of my mentor and dear friend hang in the area with lasting patience.
Ask for a safe place and wait.
Ask and wait. Okay.
But now I hear the chair creak. The itch above my brow asks for me. Am i breathing slow enough?
I think to myself
It's a dud. I'll wait a minute then call off the search.
Breathe.
The room I'm in suddenly becomes much larger. I notice the telltale signs. The shadow in front of me has given way to full-spectrum image. My hands and feet feel swollen and bloated. Heavy, yet not subject to gravity at the same time. Like the way I imagine a large rock might feel in outer space. My eyes dart back and forth under the cover of the developing expansion.
I start to see that land you've shown me before. In the center, on my hill, I look all around.
Above me, the sky is split between day and night. Not twilight, but really sharing the space. At last, the two are meeting in a way they never have before. They meet as Lord and Lady might at a ball. After having chased each other since that day of first motion, they finally dance.
The world around me blends in other unnatural ways.
Seasons are given physical boundaries rather than temporal ones. I am overtaken and awestruck. It's that feeling I got the first time I pondered the reality of my atomic existence. Trillions of particles constantly interacting to keep the essence of me set into this bodily frame. I am neither responsible for nor in control of that process.
I urge my body to fall down on the grass, but I am caught by a rolling darkness. I'm frightened and unsure.
I realize that I had managed to hold onto my expectations. Those fail now.
The darkness was only night, not something to fear.
I sit down on the bench around the fire you have built for us and notice the splendor of the stars.
You're next to me now.
I start to hear the lowercase noises that you would expect. The hum and crackle of sustained fire. Half-dried leaves rattling together from branches waving to the wind. Bugs and critters that I'd never be able to name doing what they ought to do at this hour. The Autumn air roasted to perfection over our fire fills my mouth.
My mentor's voice enters, without shattering,
What is it like there? What can you hear, smell, see?
I tell him.
Him again,
Is there anything you want to ask him?
Why are we here?
You answered with a look. You may have used words, I don't remember.
"Because I missed you. I wanted to see you and have this time together."
I feel the fold above my cheek start to fill with light tears.
Mentor asks:
Has anything changed? What does his face look like?
His arm is around my shoulder and he is smiling.
The kind of giddy smile that a parent wears when she is waiting to reveal a beautiful surprise to her child.
It is just cold enough that the warmth of the fire splashing up to me is enough to keep me there until only embers smolder.
I ask you
Why are smiling?
"I just love being here with you. That is enough to make me smile."
I know that nothing more needs to be said, so I just take it in. I let the moment go full term because my grasp of your love is still so fragile. 30 seconds or five minutes later it is time to come back. I dry my face and feel my body out again. My mentor and I talk and laugh and smile and embrace.
We both take that moment with us.
I'll carry it closely, hoping to trust more easily in the future.
Until next time, be blessed.
~Sam
Image Source: Chair, Field. Fire.
Recent Posts:
The Weight of Quiet: 15 Minute Free Write
You've Become My Safe Space—Original Poetry
Steps of Healing # 2: I Will Rise From The Ashes
Steps of Healing #1: My Symbol
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Interesting read my friend, you've got a way with words and this reads like a dreamy story. Looks like you go deep with this, is it just a meditation with others, or is it guided? No need to share, just curious
Thanks brother! I'm happy to share. It is a guided exercise, but pretty loosely guided. For example, the guide may say "imagine a safe place," but will not put any parameters around what that will look like. They will ask questions like "how are are you there" or "what do you feel (or see, smell, hear, etc.)" but usually leave it pretty open ended. It is done in a group setting, but usually one at a time. The guide is not set apart from the group, but is someone who has received some basic training. Ideally there would be 2 such people so that each person gets a chance to meditate. There are also a ton of other experientials that may not be considered meditation, but are contemplative. For example, we'll use art therapy techniques at times.
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TrufflePigLove this part especially. Mistaking something innocuous for something scary is far too common an experience. I think it's just because we're so used to being right / certain that it's hard for us to doubt our conclusions.
Just yesterday I was sharing a story with someone I'm seeing. It was a hard story to share, and was made even harder by the fact that I noticed she hung up right after I told her the hard part. I was so certain I messed things up with her until I called her back and realized the call dropped on it's own before I even got to the hard part, and when I told her the story all the way through she was totally unfazed and supportive.
Always love your sharing and the ideas it sparks in me. Keep it up!
OMG!
I would have shit myself and I can totally empathize with that feeling. So glad to hear that it was just a technical difficulty and that you were able to work up the courage to share, again!
Thanks for encouragement, brother. I think you're right that it is difficult to doubt our conclusions and a place of incessant doubt can be a burden too. Finding the balance of trustful skepticism is a journey.
This is why I love when I'm comfortable enough to say "I don't know." It such an empowering statement when you use it right, because it keeps you from building your future on false certainty. But you're right it is a balance. I think we just have to do the best we can with the information we do have and trust that any outcome that comes our way is for the best.
Yes! Being able to say "I don't know" is something I really struggle with. Growing up, it was not a welcomed answered, so I learned to just say something. And in my job, saying "I don't know" is so uncommon that if you say it you get a major side-eye.
Such very well blended sentimental wisdom, firing up the mind and heart simultaneously!
One of my favorite quotes from this piece comes from the beginning: "Sink back. Breathe. Let the Unknown spill into the distance between your eyes and their lids." Beautifully put! I also love how you describe the embers heat!
But it is hard to single out selective pieces when the entire read was amazing!
Thanks so much! I so appreciate your words of encouragement. I love sharing this kind of piece, but it also can leave me feeling utterly exposed. It is a blessing to be received well. :D
Exposed but free!
Blessings to you!
Very good post friend and so good start i like the way you writing is like a meditation ^^
Thank you! Yes, it is a form of meditative practice. I appreciate the encouragement!
Another piece of beauty full of "energy".
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I really enjoyed reading your piece, there is something about it that is so honestly poetic. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the encouragement! That really means a lot. It is this kind of post that makes me feel most vulnerable but also the most empowered.