The Buddha Habit (tm) - Surrendering to your suffering to awaken

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Luckily (or unluckily) most people go through life without too much suffering. We go from one day to the next thinking about dreams for the future, making money so we can have more free time or buy more things to make us happy. We dwell on memories of the past, replaying good memories longingly or bad memories torturing ourselves with them. Time seems to pass by so quickly but not much thought is given to it until we get older and ask, "How did I get so old?"

My own awakening happened from severe anxiety and fear caused by learning how the world really operates and whom it is controlled by. I felt like I had been asleep my whole life. Everything I had been raised to believe was a lie. It literally scared me to a point of complete helplessness and surrender. It was at that moment that I felt like I wasn't me anymore, almost like I was outside of myself, watching myself undergo this painful experience, curled up in a fetal position and praying. Suddenly there was a strange sense of calm and peacefulness, from where just a second prior was intense fear of death. I didn't understand what was going on at the time.

Then I noticed instead of being consumed by fearful thoughts all the time, I was now focusing on the littlest of details, things I would have previously thought were meaningless. Smells seemed more intense. I focused on food while I was eating it and the flavors were all so much more pronounced. I noticed how my wife's eyes squinted when she laughed. I started staring into my dogs' eyes, studying their smiles and their whiskers. These new situations reminded me of when I was a kid, powerful memories of being face down in the backyard dirt pile, playing with my army men, staring at their plastic details, smelling the fresh cut grass, watching bugs crawl around and remembering that late summer afternoon sunlight. I didn't know then that what was happening was, I was becoming more present.

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It was that same week that I was listening to KPFK radio and heard an interview with a spiritual counselor Brent Phillips. Everything he said was making sense to me and it was like he was explaining exactly what happened to me. The coincidence and timing was impossible to ignore. Brent Phillips led me to Echkart Tolle, then to Ram Dass and Alan Watts, then to Sadghuru, Krishnamurti, Thich Nhat Hanh and the Dao te Ching. I was not raised Buddhist, I was raised Christian (Free Methodist) but had stopped going to church on Sundays when I was still very young. I felt a belief in a higher power but didn't really live by it day to day. I mainly only revisited religion when I was fearful or when I wanted something. There was always something that didn't feel right to me about the rigid structure of organized religions.

What I've come to be shown is that intense suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise (although it certainly doesn't feel like it at the time). If you completely surrender to it, it will literally force you to awaken. If you don't surrender to it, run away from it, repress it, start drinking or doing drugs to numb the pain, try to mask it with physical pleasures or any other distraction method you will create self suffering. No amount or form of distractions will fill that void you feel.

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When I say surrender, what I mean is to focus your thoughts on whatever fear or traumatic memory that torments you. Hold onto it and intensely focus on it. Resist the urge to fight it or think of something else to run from it. If you feel like you're going to cry, let it out and cry hard. Don't suppress your emotions but don't let them distract you either, continue to focus on your fear or memory. Completely accept the feeling of utter helplessness. It almost feels like you're laying down to die, completely giving up and letting whatever happens, happen. I know this is easier said than done, especially if you've been running from it your whole life. You likely have habits that have been ingrained over years or decades created to "protect" yourself. It is no simple thing. What you will discover on the other side is a peacefulness you've never known. There is a freedom from fear of death, fear of the future, free from torture in your past, and it comes from within you.

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