Showcase Sunday: I'd like to apologize in advance for the major role I'm going to play in the end of the world tomorrow.
Also: hi, howdy, hello!
@brandt here!
It's been a while!
I had to disappear for a while, so that's what I did!
But now I'm back with a bunch of dumb new material to barf all over the blockchain!
It'll probably bomb and blow up the world, but that's fine, because the world would be a much better place if the world didn't exist!
The madman living inside my mind said I should try to be less of an asshole this time.
On the one hand, he's got a point.
I've lashed out, I've said really shitty things to people. I've hurt people, bad. I've set bridges on fire and walked away forever. It'll probably happen again, too, because I'm a very flawed human with a short fuse and a long memory of everyone who's ever wronged me, all the way back to when I was in kindergarten and that stupid bully Justin made fun of my Power Rangers lunchbox for being not as cool as his Batman lunchbox.
Fuck you, Justin!! I hope you're freezing your balls off and eating trash with all the other homeless people on Lower Wacker Drive right now!! You goddamn piece of shit!!
But on the other hand, I'm confused, because the madman is the one who told me to do all those things in the first place!
So which is it, madman living inside my mind? To be an asshole, or not to be an asshole?
Good question!
I guess we'll find out soon enough!
Anyway. I've been lurking for a long time. Here, but not really here. Waiting for the right time to return. Unfortunately, up until right now, the right time has always been tomorrow, maybe, because I didn't have anything worth saying to say.
But, things worth saying to say I now have! I'm definitely going to regret saying them, but hey, life is short and I'll be dead before I know it, so it won't matter.
Showcase Sunday by @NoNamesLeftToUse
seems like a logical path of reentry for me. I'll make a smooth, slick reentry today by showcasing some of my trademark old stuff, and then tomorrow I'll start fucking everything up with my new stuff.
So, game plan: Barf out new stuff during the week, regurgitate old stuff on Sunday, and try not to kill yourself in the process. Yes! Right on! This right here is very yes and very much right on! Good, great, excellent! I am definitely not going to regret this!
So anyway. If you've read this far, you are 100% organic grass-fed humanely-raised nuts, and also a valued member of my target audience. Below are two (2) short stories I wrote a long time ago, offered up here and now afresh as burnt offerings to all the false gods of Steemit on this lovely #showcase-sunday evening.
Enjoy, or don't.
I don't care what you do.
Do whatever the hell you want.
I'll be back tomorrow with something even shittier to offer you.
Cheers 🍻
Story #1
For sale: Cozy log cabin with LOTS of potential!
Good morning to you, sir! How was your drive up from Leadville? I trust you made the journey without incident?
It was fine, thanks.
Excellent! So no trouble fording Halfmoon Creek, then?
Uh, no.
Ah! Then fortune smiles upon you! Why, just this week there have been no less than five different parties either turned away or washed away by the crossing. Such travesty!
Huh. Well, I guess I made it alright.
Indeed! Indeed you did, sir! And I for one am certainly glad for that! Well — shall we proceed to inspect this fine cabin I've offered for sale?
Yeah, I'd really like to see it.
Excellent! Follow me, sir, it's not two minutes yonder. Now, as you can clearly observe, the mountain views here are simply unmatched by any other property you might also be considering. Why, just over there is Bull Hill, and Casco, and Frasco, and that's French Mountain there — and of course how could I neglect to mention Mount Elbert, our great state's loftiest summit! Imagine living in this wondrous alpine tundra year-round, nearly 13,000 feet above sea level, with such majestic views!
Yeah, it really is pretty.
Now, granted, there is no general store, tailor, cobbler, barber, saloon, whorehouse, or much of anything at all in close proximity, besides the Iron Mike Mine, of course — but the location is simply impossible to beat if you are an employee at the mine! Are you seeking employment? I know the general manager, and I would be more than happy to arrange an interview.
No, I already have a job.
Excellent! What is it that you do, if I may ask?
I'm a writer.
A writer! Superb! Up here, surrounded by these mountains, with such inspiring scenery in every direction and nothing to disturb you from your work — Yes! I am certain that this fine cabin of mine will be to you as Thoreau's cabin on Walden Pond!
Uhh … right. Sure.
Ah! Here we are! Now, you will have to excuse me, I've yet to install the stovepipe. If I was to venture a guess, I would say that it is currently submerged in Halfmoon Creek some distance below the ford. But no matter, let me show you the fine craftsmanship of —
Hang on, man. I don't get it.
Oh? What seems to be the problem?
Where's the cabin?
What? Surely you jest, sir! Why, there it stands before us!
Dude, all I see is a pile of old logs and broken boards.
I don't understand, sir, surely this is some kind of joke!
No, dude. There's no cabin here. You're full of it.
Pardon me, I do not see your meaning … what am I full of?
I can't believe I drove all the way up here for nothing. What a scam. Shit. My wife's gonna kill me when I tell her I spent all Saturday falling for some dumb scam. Shit! I gotta text my wife.
Excuse me, sir — text your wife?
Uh, yeah. Text. You know, cellphones? Texting people? Seriously, man. This is 2018. Don't be a dick.
Oh, and again you jest!
What the fuck are you talking about?
This is, of course, the autumn of 1904!
What? You're insane.
On the contrary! It is you that is insane!
That's it. I'm outta here.
Fine, take your leave, sir! Good luck escaping reality!
Yeah, whatever.
…
Hey, what happened to my car? Where's my car?
…
This isn't funny, man!
…
What the … where'd all these old buildings and weird machinery things come from?
…
Who are all these people? Where did all these people come from!?
…
And holy shit, why are they all dressed up like they're going to a vintage photoshoot!?
…
WHAT the FUCK.
Would you like to buy a cozy log cabin?
It has LOTS of potential!
Story #2
Selections from a recent session with my psychologist.
So, how are you feeling today?
Not good. I’m actually doing really bad. … Yesterday was bad, too. The whole week. I’m just so unhappy.
Do you want to talk more about that?
Well, you know, it's the meaningless and hopelessness again. Like there's no point to anything I do.
I go through the motions but it all feels so empty. Like there's a piece of me missing, you know? Something's missing inside me, and there's this deep sadness that follows me everywhere I go.
And it's like … it takes all my energy just to exist, and I’m always so exhausted. Every morning I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep the night before.
Oh, and it feels like it’s never going to end. Like this is somehow eternal. Like I’m stuck in this sad loop that never ends, you know?
Go on.
I also feel like there’s something out to get me. Like there are things following me around all the time. Everywhere I go, I feel like they’re watching me.
I actually saw one the other day. It was this … how do I describe it. It was the most terrifying creature I’ve ever seen in my life. Leaning against the wall in the corner, just looking at me with … with the most hideous, malicious grin on its face. I’ve never seen a face so full of evil. Like it wanted to kill me, but not quite as much as it wanted to watch me suffer. Then it just vanished.
I’m hearing things, too. Sounds like people screaming. It wakes me up a lot at night.
Is there anything else going on?
Well, the suicidal thoughts. But that’s every day, I have to fight those off pretty much every day.
You’ve forgotten what I told you last week.
What do you mean?
You don’t have to fight off those thoughts. You can just give in.
What the — !? Did you just tell me I should kill myself?
Come on, Brandt. We've been over this.
What in God’s name are you talking about? I don't follow.
Sigh. How many times do I have to tell you this?
YOU ARE IN HELL.
What? You’re crazy. There’s no way I’m —
If you try to kill yourself here, nothing will happen, because you're already dead. … It was suicide, incidentally, which makes this whole scenario pretty funny.
This … This is impossible.
It’s not just possible, it’s the truth. And you're in denial.
I am NOT in denial! Or in hell, either! You’ve got to be —
You’ve also forgotten how we talked about delusions. This is one of those falsely held beliefs. It's obvious to everyone, except for you apparently, that we're in hell. Here, let me open the blinds. Look out the window! See? Lake of fire, fallen angels, some souls getting tortured over there, plus of course all that goddamn brimstone everywhere stinking up the place. The whole nine yards. All nine circles, if you want to think about it that way. We're in hell.
Yet you cling to the false belief that you are still living out your life on Earth.
This doesn’t make any sense at all. And why would hell need psychologists, anyway?
It’s just part of your personal suffering package. We like to give everyone a unique experience here, and we’ve found that drawing on actual Earth experiences helps us create an effective, well-rounded package for the damned.
What the … So how long have I been here? How long have I been coming to see you??
Oh, about 600 Earth years.
This is just unbelievable. How come I don’t remember any of those other sessions, huh? Why don’t I —
Because at the beginning of every session we reset your memory. That way you have to go through the shock and emotional turmoil of discovering that you’re in hell, every week, for all of eternity. It’s really quite an entertaining game, to be honest.
But I was a believer! I believed in God!! How come I didn’t go to heaven?
Oh, there is no God. He never existed. Humans just invented him as a way to cope with their meaningless existence. You know that whole good vs. evil theme? Yeah, not really a thing. There’s just evil.
It's nice to see you back. I hope this place is nice to you and maybe that'll help with those.. uh... Those problems you have there.
I don't know what you're talking about, I don't have any… I don't have any… I don't have any, FUCK. I don't have any fucking prob… FUCKING SHIT I don't I don't FUCK I don't… I don't h… I don't have anyproblems at all.
Me either!
Lol! Situation normal.
I had to look up what brimstone was halfway through this. Clearly I don't know enough about hell. Wait - no, I didn't mean that!
Nice to see you. Or read you. Welcome back.
Hell isn't all that bad, once you get used to it. :)
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Damn. Thanks, you guys rock!
Welcome back dude!!! I would always listen to your inner madman!
Thanks! He's got a lot of crazy shit to say, you're gonna love it!!
Hurrah for the lots of shit madmen!!
Nice to see you again @brandt. I take it the interview over there at defense league didn’t work out—oh well!
Ps, Justin said “meet me at the bat mobile.”
No, that ended in a hilarious flame war unfortunately. :D
P.S., tell Justin that me and my gang are gonna roundhouse kick him all the way the the morgue and then take turns pissing on his grave.