How I Met My Wife on Craigslist: Illicitly Explicit

MagicDragon's Journal Entry #1

How I Met My Wife on Craigslist

(All this shit kind of really happened)

It all began when I decided to take a shit in the woods…

I now have poison Ivy in my rectum.

But first, lets go back in time to two days prior to a terrible unfortunate event. I decided to try out a craigslist hook-up with some latino broad. I had always wanted to know what type of fish Mexican pussy tastes like. American vagina tastes like tuna, so it only made sense that Mexican pussy tastes like the mix between a chipotle pepper, pinto beans and last weeks carnitas burrito. I responded to a listing that was titled CUM IN MI HOT A$$ FOR FREE ONLY 50 DOLLAR (I WANT TO HAVE BABY).

I opened the ad. Saw the photos. Seemed legit.

Here’s the poetry I sent:

“Dear Spicy Poootang,

I have a lot of semen for you in my ballz, I will give you baby. My only request is that I get to name our child and see him on weekends and every other holiday. Also we must get married before I cum in your hot a$$ for free.

Love,
Your sweet baby Daddy Magic D. the Destroyer ;)”

Gentlemen, if you ever need advice on how to talk to women (or how get laid for that matter), I’m your dude.

No woman/shemale has ever rejected my sweet charm.

Anyways, as you would expect, she responded with this:
“Daddy,

Make me a Mommy.

So Horny,
Spicy Poootang

P.S. I'll only let you put it in after I stick my tongue in your fart box while in a bathtub full of buttered noodles with a certified stopwatch.”

I responded,

“Cool.” - M.D.

Fast-forward one day before the terribly unfortunate event:
Today is the wedding! I was over the moon that I will finally get to meet my sweet Pewtang and fill her up with my hot potato sweetness. It turns out we created our very own “married at first sight” and boy was it a sight. (Pewtang was my little lovebird name for her - ’twas love.)

Sweet Pewtang reminded me of the time I saw Owen Wilson pop a cyst on his scrotum in a Starbucks. As he examined his creamy extraction he sputtered, “Oh wow!”.

Which is the same thing I said when I saw her. Like word for word..the same thing.

The wedding was a fucking beaut.

Turns out her half brother’s stepson’s little cousin from the south side of the Mississippi put magical mushrooms in the wedding cake. Which I didn’t know until I stole a lick of frosting earlier that morning.

The wedding occurred as follows:

11:00 A.M. Snuck some frosting.
12:00 P.M. My dick got hard.
12:01 P.M. Got harder.
12:02 P.M. I got paranoid. My cock now had a mind of it’s own. Inside my dick head I now evolved into having a dick brain. My dick brain sent a memo to Space X offering for a relocation to inside my shaft.
12:02 P.M. A bunch of tiny clone Musk people moved into my dick head.
12:02 P.M. They invented a new shuttle. They prepared to super launch the head of my dick remotely into Pewtang’s a$$. They had titled it PROJECT SHUTTLE COCK.
12:03 P.M. My dick launchpad was going to explode.
12:03 P.M. I attempted to negotiate with the little Musk people inside my dick. They said the most they could do for me was leave me 43% of genital pubes for scratching.
12:03 P.M. It exploded.
12:03 P.M. I had no dick.
12:03 P.M. I got cold feet. I could never consummate this marriage dickless. I was left with no other option.
12:04 P.M. I amazon prime 2-hour shipped a sewing kit and 4 of the most realistic dildos. They were purple.
12:04 P.M. The ceremony is in 26 minutes.
12:05 P.M. Wrong address. Sent dildos to my Dad’s place. Shit.
12:06 P.M. Asked the priest for his dick.
12:06 P.M. "Why does this priest have boobs?"
12:06 P.M. Told the priest he should cut back on the chipotle and sedentary life. Not a healthy chest for a dude.
12:06 P.M. Got the priest's number... for later.
12:07 P.M. Where am I?
12:08 P.M. Rubbed one out.
12:20 P.M. Relaxed..checked my watch.
12:02 P.M. Best two minutes ever. Just invented time travel bitch.

12:03 P.M. - 12:00 A.M. Pretty boring.

She didn’t want anything tropical or exotic for the honeymoon, so we decided to go up to my family cabin for a little weekend get away. It set the mood for baby making. When we got to the cabin we wasted no time prepping ourselves. She hogged the bathroom so I decided to go to the woods. I thought it would be a good idea to give myself an enema to clean out my rectum. As I was squatting, I felt something tickle the rim, but it didn’t seem to bother me too bad. I actually plucked the leaf next to me for future use.

Don’t judge me until you tickle your own butthole. It ain’t queer when nature’s near. That’s a fact.

After a cleansing shart I trotted on back to the cabin, ready for the ultimate show down. God she looked so sexy in that buttery noodled bath.

With a grunt she stuck her tongue and whispered “Bend over and show me your hole.” I happily agreed. As soon as she started I had an uncontrollable itch right on the edge that started to travel North (North as in inside my rectum). I told her, “deeper, don't worry I’m clean and clear.” She thought I was enjoying the licking, but in reality she was relieving the itch at an unexpected ungodly rate. As a product I was climaxing hard.”

Turns out I was still trippin’ and it wasn’t Sweet Pewtang licking my rectum but a squirrel trying to find a home for winter. I was into it.

As Jerry the fuzzy little creature climbed out of it’s new home it morphed color into hues of violent pink and creamy lime. My poison ivy ass had infected this young blood.

“No! Not Jerry! Jer Bear! Not like this! Not like this!”

Jerry was gone. He was a strong little squirrel - our friendship will be remembered.

Like Deja Vu Pewtang than called from the cabin. I understood it all now. If I allowed Pewtang to give the asslicking she truly lusted for, I would be leading her to her own death.

But if I never consummated this marriage, than my free $50 would never be put to worthy use.

There was only one thing I could do...

And now I lay to rest in my forever home behind the cabin up North. If you travel to the cabin you can see my gravestone as it reads:

“MagicDragon, man of mystery, ass of ivy, cock of space, and poet of sexuality. RIP VIP of MVP.”

At least that’s what Pewtang thinks.

Bless her ‘Hot Free A$$’, but come on guys.. you really think I’d kill myself over $50? Nah, leaving Pewtang to believe the love of her life killed himself was much easier.

Anyway..What did I learn through my Tuesday adventure?

When life pulls you in a direction that you didn't expect to follow, go with it because you may find a true friend, true love or true passion.