The Worst Sex Game I've Ever Played

In case you couldn't tell from the title, this post has a LOT to do with sex. What the title doesn't tell you is that there's also some rape and a fuckton of highly degrading generalizations, so if you can't stand that sort of stuff, you probably shouldn't read this.

As a child growing up with plenty of access to the Internet and often very little adult supervision, I found myself playing a lot of porn games. You know, the shitty flash stuff on Newgrounds with ridiculously large genitals, physically impossible(or outright fatal) positions and techniques, and often ear-grating sound effects? Those. I played a lot of those.

Oddly enough, ever since I got my own computer and had far more opportunities to access such games, I've found myself visiting them less and less. Mostly because they're terrible and I've developed this weird thing called "guilt".

Every now and then, though, I'll wind up on a somewhat shady site and get a pop-up ad for something even shadier. One of these ads was for a game called Sex Gangsters. Now, I'm not going to go searching for the particular ad, but will instead take you straight to the site from a Google search. How, you may ask, do they greet new players?

What a masterpiece.

A quick question: do dicks really look like that? I, personally, have never seen a dick in the flesh before. If they look anything like that, I would like to renounce my heterosexuality now.

This art style is kind of grotesque. There's way too much detail on areas nobody would want to focus on and the look on the soon-to-be rape victim's face is absolutely terrifying. Also, who are these people? More importantly, why should I care about their adventures? The promise of arousal has already gone straight out the window, so at this point, all it's got left is the story and gameplay.

Oh, well. Maybe the next page will tell us a little about it.

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Where did the black-haired woman come from? Who the hell talks like that? Why does the fully-clothed guy only look mildly surprised? Where did that bed come from? Why does the old guy just have naked women hanging around his house? Did he kidnap them? Are they live-in prostitutes? What is this? What is ANY of this?

Okay, well, next?

Is this a game about sex slaves? Are we about to acquire a sex slave? Or are we supposed to believe that this woman, out of her own free will, lived with an elderly man as "his girl" and was constantly fucked without her consent, and was totally okay with suddenly becoming some random guy's girl knowing that he had been explicitly told to do anything he wanted to her?

Oh, you never see this woman again, by the way. Instead, the "game" portion finally begins, and your mission is to... "conquer" a nurse living in London. Here's the screenshot of it.

As far as I can tell, this is a game about a man whose sociopathic grandfather has led him down a path of depravity and materialism, going so far as to mold him in his own filthy image. He does this by giving him money and a sex slave. The grandson, eager to follow his grandfather's footsteps, takes this ten steps further and kills the slave, then proceeds to systematically stalk and kidnap women to add to his "sex gang".

Titillating.

Anyways, once you click "conquest", you're given a little picture that supposedly clues you in on your victim's personality/lifestyle/whatever. Here's the nurse's.

Okay, if I stop to show you every screen, this post'll be a mile long. From now on, I'll only show the more... shall we say, interesting ones.

But seriously, I can't tell if they're doing everything in their power to be considered erotic or if they're intentionally being silly for the sake of humor. Either way, they're failing miserably. I'm just horrified.

Once you click "meet", you're taken to a screen showing three different buildings. You have to complete a "mission" at two buildings in order to successfully kidnap your victim.

I know I just said I wouldn't show every screen, and this is only two screens after the one I just showed, but...

I'm sure that most porn games are happy to cater to thirteen-year-old boys, but I had no idea they were written by them.

Quick tip: if a girl's pussy is really tight, it doesn't mean she's a virgin or hasn't had many sexual encounters. It means you're making her uncomfortable, asswipe. Try using lube. Or doing foreplay. Or don't rape her. That third one is probably the best advice you could take, although nobody who would ever consider raping someone would change their mind because someone said "don't rape anyone".

By the way, her asshole's probably going to be even tighter. Anuses were not made to be fucked. She's probably going to get some sort of prolapse.

Also, doesn't this woman's face just scream "I'm totally into this"? I mean, if you saw this face

completely out of context, would you assume she's having sex, or would you assume she's simultaneously disgusted and unimpressed by the shit smears her patient left on the wall?

At this point, any hope for a slightly interesting or cohesive story has been disemboweled and fed to rabid poodles, so what have we got for gameplay?

Clicking a button.

That's it.

You click the button with the verb on it and you're taken to the next scene, which has an identical button with a verb on it that you click to be taken to the next scene.

I know it says that your energy is drained by completing these actions, but as far as I've gotten, you never have to worry about running out. You either level up and have it refilled, or the game gives you some energy-boosting items.

What happens next? You fuck her in the ass and leave a horrific crater, then another nurse who looks exactly the same but with blonde hair comes in and offers to blow our antihero, but he says to put a bag over her head because she's so ugly.

Sexy...? Also, why do his balls look like they've been stitched together?

The next building is a pub with strippers. You start to jack off openly, some lady sits down next to you and asks what the fuck you're doing, and you leave to go to the restroom and masturbate in peace.

I'm going to go off on a little tangent here and ask: what's the point of having a stripper or going to a stripclub if you have to move out of sight from whatever's arousing you in order to be allowed to masturbate? I mean, isn't the point to be sexually stimulated? That sounds like a recipe for blue balls and disappointment.

Tangent over. As I said, you go to the restroom...

Whoopsidoodle.

I'm pretty sure this would get him in way more trouble than if he had just jerked it in front of the stripper, what with the damaging of private property and walking around with your horrific dick out...

In the bathroom, he meets the same nurse from before, in the same clothes as before, and they fuck. Again.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this lady's face? Does he not put a bag over her head because he never looks at it? I'd say she's pretty bag-worthy.

After this, she becomes part of your harem and you move on to the next victim, a college student in Los Angeles. She's supposed to be the prim-and-proper virgin type, but the first "mission" has her attending a sex party. So pure and chaste!

What's weirder is the fact that you're never seen fucking her. In fact, the whole mission's "sex appeal" is focused on various white and conventionally attractive background characters fucking and getting wasted. It's kind of boring and meandering even compared to the rest of the """"game""".

I mean, look at this.

You and the college girl are standing in the doorway. Observing. Never participating. We just watch random people fuck and that's it.

After this, there's apparently a naked run being organized for charity or something. The college girl refuses to do it naked, but she'll do it in her underwear.

Did I say underwear? I'm sorry, I meant streetwalking attire. Seriously, what kind of goody-goody-two-shoes owns that kind of outfit?!

After the run, you show her around the dormitory where there are shared bathrooms, with people showering out in the open. Next, they stop at a dorm with the door wide open, where three students are fucking a professor with looks on their faces that scream "I'm only doing this to pass my class".

Seriously, none of the guys look like they're enjoying it. It's kind of depressing.

Then, Mrs. Jackson invites you two to join her(much to the displeasure of her poor students, I'm sure). We don't see this, nor do we see any sort of declining her offer, but for the three guys' sake let's hope they said no.

The next and final mission has you attending the student governance.

As you can see here, some girl just walks down the hall with her panties off, someone forgot to turn the AC off and you've decided to tell yourself to come into the meeting.

Apparently, a student governance is when several female students are fucked by an elderly professor or whatever in order to bring their grades up. It's gross and I honestly don't want to show it. At least with the other ones, both parties could be considered moderately attractive in some universe similar to ours; this one's just tedious and ugly.

Afterward, you manage to kidnap the college student because sex game, and that's where I think I'm going to end this.

You could probably tell from what I showed that the dialogue is stilted, awkward and unnatural; nothing is arousing or erotic; the gameplay is boring; the female characters are either wimpy virgins or outrageous sluts, while the male characters are all sex-crazed douchebags; it's just a mess.

If sitting through astoundingly shitty porn comic panels one by one interests you, I strongly suggest you check this out. Otherwise, you should probably try to erase this monstrosity's existence from your memory.