WAKE UP SEX

When you’ve been married as long as I have, you have a lot of different kinds of sex.
Now I’m not talking about anything kinky with costumes or whips or solar-powered devices. I’m talking about the real pragmatic shit like, “Hurry up let’s get this over with before New Girl starts” sex or “I ate a burrito earlier so don’t put all your weight on me” sex. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s not forget, “Ok, I guess so but I’m not taking my shirt off” sex or “I know it’s Valentine’s Day but I’m really tired so I promise I’ll get you tomorrow” sex.
Well, many years ago I invented a new one: “Wake up” sex. To my knowledge I’m the first man to ever pull this trick off so they’re probably going to make a movie about it some day. It’s still up in the air who will play me. If I had to guess it would probably be Dan Aykroyd.
Let me set the stage:
My wife and I were out on a rare date night and as the evening concluded we headed home for what I assumed would be a little dessert. And just to be clear, I had to Google how to spell dessert because I always get it confused with desert which actually is a pretty accurate analogy for a typical married sex life. Cactus and all.
But I digress.
We got home and I just assumed I’d be getting lucky. When you’re married and you have a date night with no kids it’s just sort of assumed that sex will take place. I believe it’s actually in the fine print of the marriage license. But that evening, my wife was so exhausted when we got home that she wanted nothing more than to go to sleep.
To her credit she was very apologetic, even going so far to say that all she needed was like three or four hours of sleep and then she’d be good to go.
“So what?” I say, “I can set the alarm for like 3 a.m. and you’ll just wake up and have sex with me?”
“Sure.” And then she was snoring.
Meanwhile, I’m lying there like a starving man who had just been promised a delicious sandwich and then had said sandwich ripped from my clutches just moments before I took a bite.
Also, I just compared my wife to a sandwich. That’s married life for you.
Sure, I was happy that my wife was willing to do this for me, but when you’re a married dude on the cusp of getting some, you’re like a kid on Christmas morning. (Unfortunate analogy, I know.) But still, you don’t want to wait. You want it NOW! Reluctantly, I rolled over and set my alarm for 3 a.m. wishing that I could fast forward time.
And then it occurred to me. I can.
You ever fall asleep for a nap and then wake up and have no recollection of how long you’d been asleep? You don’t know what day it is or if it’s morning or night? That used to happen to me all the time in college.
And it was about to happen to my wife.
Slyly I changed the time from 10:45 p.m. to 2:55 a.m. and then snuck over to her clock and did the same. I even accounted for the extra 15 minutes she always set hers ahead so she could snooze longer. This was also back in the days before cell phones and all that other mumbo jumbo so literally it was as easy as pressing a few buttons on my clock.
Then I just laid back and waited. Five minutes later, the alarm went off and she bolted up like she had just been stirred from the dead. I feigned sleep to play along.
“It’s 3 a.m. already?” she groaned. “Man, I was sleeping hard.”
“Huh?” I muttered pretending to wipe drool from the corner of my lip.
“Wow, 3 a.m. came fast,” she said. “Hopefully that’s the only thing that does.”
I shot her dagger eyes and she gave me a coy smile. “I”m pretty witty for someone whose been sleeping all night,” she said.
Or more like 10 minutes, I thought.
“Well, you still want to do this?” I asked.
She paused and stretched her arms out above her head like she was waking from a seven year slumber.
“Ok, I guess so,” she replied. “But I’m not taking my shirt off.”