RAINCOATS AND BULLET HOLES

One Sunday afternoon, he invited her to his house.
She honoured the invitation.
He welcomed her, entertained her with goat meat peppersoup and red wine.
She ate and drank to her satisfaction.

After a light conversation, she said she will be leaving soon as the day was getting dark.
'Ahn Ahn.... Is that how you want to go? Just like that? No this and that for me? He asked.
"Ah! She replied, "I'm not doing biko. That's not why I came to visit".
Uncle started begging.
He pleaded and pleaded until Aunty finally agreed.
He led her to the room.
She took off her dress, he did same.
The Civil war began after she ensured he had worn his raincoat.

Just before Colonel Philip Effiong announced that the war has ended, Aunty reached out to check if the raincoat was still in place.
Alas... It was nowhere to be found.

"Where is your raincoat? She asked.
He sat up and quickly checked the bed.... nothing.
He reached for his phone, switched on the flashlight, nothing still.
Ah!

She inserted her finger into the bullet hole and found nothing.
Uncle started panicking.
She went to the toilet, forced herself to urinate...nothing.

Kraaak..... Kraaaak..... Kraaaak
She pulled off the artificial nails she had on.
Inserted her fingers again..... She touched the raincoat, but couldn't drag it out.
It was tucked away somewhere far from the reach of her finger.

She came out of the toilet to find Uncle checking for possible answers on Google.
She said she's scared.
He grabbed his car keys and told her to dress up so they can go to a hospital.

Ah! Hospital?
Surgery?
Mo ti Ku!

They hurriedly left the house.
He was so scared, even more scared than Aunty.
Aunty tried to calm him down all to no avail.
"If only I had known, I would've allowed you leave when you wanted to. What kind of trouble have I gotten myself into? He said.
"Calm down na. I'll be okay". She didn't believe that though.

Uncle sped down the road and negotiated a sharp bend without watching.
He almost ran over an oncoming Okada.
"Ah. Calm down please. No come add join this one biko. If you can't drive then let me drive. Don't kill us because of raincoat oh" Aunty lamented.

Few minutes later, they drove into one hospital.
"So who will talk to the nurse? He asked.
"You will na. Who do you think will talk to the nurse before? Me? Abeg oh" She replied.
"Okay. If the nurse is male, I'll talk but if female, you will. Deal?
"Deal".

They alighted and walked into the hospital.
A female nurse was at the reception.
He smiled.
She walked up to her.
"Good evening Ma"
"You are welcome. What's the problem?
"Ermmmm... Ermmmm... There's a raincoat stuck in my bullethole"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand"
"Okay. We were making love then the condom got stuck in me"
"Okay. Please hold on".

Card bought.
Deposit made.
"Please come inside", the nurse said.
Aunty followed her inside a little room.
"Please take off your pants and, lay on your back and spread your legs".

Ah!
Will it be painful?
Have you done this before?
Are the equipment sterilized?
How long will it last?
Hope I won't die?
They said we should use raincoat oh.... you use raincoat wahala, no raincoat wahala.
I don tire oh.

Legs spread.
Whatever inserted.
"I've seen it oh" the nurse said.
Whew!
The raincoat was brought out in all its glory.

Few weeks later....
"Hello Babe"
"Hello"
"How are you? I miss you oh. When will I see you again?
"Are you okay? See who?