Relationships are messy, so life is messy

Usually my posts are a little more polished than this, but in a way those posts are somewhat misleading because sex and relationships are NOT neat, they are NOT organized into categories and subcategories, they do NOT adhere to the rules of punctuation and grammar. They are messy and wonderful and terrible and intense, and anyone who says otherwise... well, I don't know, they either have their shit together much more than I do, or they are fooling themselves. Or lying. People tend to do that a lot, for some reason. So this is what my posts look like when I just type and submit.

In a way, I'm a hypocrite -- I come to Steemit and project an image of myself as some font of wisdom when in reality, life is complicated. The truth is, though, when I was writing those very posts, I thought I knew what I was doing; I was cannibalizing my life experiences into a potentially profitable endeavor. They were all written from a calm, reflective state of mind. Reflection is good. But fuck calm. Whenever there is more than one person in a room, shit happens. It can be good, bad, banal, mind-blowing, traumatic, transformative ... but it is never stagnant. With enough self-awareness, any connection made clarifies who you are as an individual. It reminds me of a priest who once said something along the lines of, "It's better to be moving backwards in your faith life, because at least you are moving."

So what provoked this sudden change of temperament? Well, I will keep it general and vague to protect the innocent. A relationship I thought I had all figured out radically changed, at least temporarily, and I didn't react well to that at all. "Honest communication" is my mantra, and it has worked well for me. However, except in the most intimate relationships -- husband, nuclear family -- I prize self-control over communication. (That's just fancy bull-crap for saying I don't like to cry in front of people.) And the fucked up part of it was that I had no claim to feeling upset, but I was just the same and I couldn't "own my shit" like an adult.

Sometimes it sucks being a woman -- you have an intellectual, rational side and an emotional, irrational side. When they align, the world is good and right. When they don't, they get into a nasty cat fight and wreak havoc on your sense of self. Who is me? Neither are, both are... it's damn confusing.

Anyway, if this post resonated with you, drop a line. I'd rather have your comment than your upvote.