Coming to terms with conflicting feelings on the whole FWB... thing
I was going to get up this morning and write about what I've learned since starting an open marriage, like I've got it all figured out.
Guess what? I don't. And that's okay.
I'm married and I have a FWB that I see fairly regularly -- probably too regularly, according to some online, self-proclaimed fonts of wisdom. We are actually pretty good friends -- I would say that we spend 10% of our time together having sex, 20% making sexual innuendos, and 70% just hanging out.
Even though we get along very well, sometimes I feel like I'm being used.
Ugh, there, I said it. Intellectually, I know how ridiculous that notion is since I'm the one who initiated the arrangement in the first place. After all, I love being sexually desirable, and a sort of objectification by the person doing the "chase" is required for that to happen, even if it's on a subconscious level. But the truth is, even though I've already got a "real" relationship locked down, I still sometimes wonder, "Am I not good enough?" After all, I'm good enough to spend time with, and I'm good enough to have sex with -- what more is there than that to a "real" relationship?
Now here is where I'm going to share an epiphany that I had recently which, I admit, should not be an epiphany at all because it's implicit in the whole FWB arrangement from the very beginning. However, the basics can get lost in those little dreamscapes where feelings like to grow. So here it is:
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY + SEXUAL INTIMACY ≠ LOVE
I know, right? But when I get a particularly severe "case of the feels," I often find myself searching for flaws in the way I've been a friend or a sexual partner; the truth is that neither of those roles is the problem. Love is not determined by checking off enough traits on some mental list. In fact, I would even bet that there are FWBs out there who wish they had that romantic attraction to their partner/friend, because they fill many of their life partner "requirements." But alas, it's largely out of their control, and it's out of yours, too.
So here's my advice (for what it's worth):
(1) Getting "the feels," that's normal. Not getting them is normal, too.
(2) Think about how deep your feelings go. If you can take some deep breaths and rationalize your way to a better place mentally, you'll probably be okay. Human beings have those frontal lobes for a reason -- for tempering our emotional impulses.
(3) Remember that one of the perks of being in a FWB relationship is that you get to date people, too. So make full use of that sexual safety net to go find yourself who can feel love for you in return -- because obviously not everyone is that lucky.
Amazing post, like I told you a few days ago, I'm struggling with the whole feels situation, but all your points do make sense! I love how you added that its normal to get teh feels, but at the same time normal to not get them. This is totally a case for me, I can sleep with various people without any emotion (One-sided in a few cases), yet be completely helpless in another relationship with the severe case of the feels! Again thank you so much for this post, it really helped me analyze the situation I'm in!
I'm glad it was helpful for you, I was thinking about you when I wrote it! This is an ongoing process for me, as well. I've found that even if I never reach any definitive conclusions, it does me good to reflect on how I feel and really engage with my feelings on a rational but compassionate level. Trust me, FWB will definitely be a semi-regular topic!