Calm Down! A Gift-Wrapped Toxic Backdoor
To this day, whenever somebody tells me to calm down, it triggers me. Usually, it is because I am already calm. It is a very provocative manner of speech to tell somebody what to do. Then in the moments when I'm not calm, it is because I am upset about something they have done. In which case, being told to calm down is a deflection of attention back onto me. Which is manipulative and dishonest.
As a man of compassion, it is important to me how I land for others. I was abused as a child and went decades without processing the trauma. In that time, I had a number of bad habits inflicted upon me. Habits I wish to correct for and eliminate from my life. This is my goal because I want future me to have a better life. I do not want my abusers to "win" further by isolating me from potentially quality people. However, I am not perfect and how I land for others can be a fantastic source of feedback as to how well I'm doing in accomplishing this goal.
In my life, I have known some very low moments. We all have I suspect. The ability to self-soothe is an important one. Primarily because we will always have ourselves to rely on in any given moment. Unfortunately, child abuse can interrupt the physiological development of the ability to self-soothe. Meanwhile, humans are social animals and we benefit from others in our lives. There is nothing weak in leaning on the strength of others in our times of need. Of all the times in my life that I have been soothed by another person, it has never occurred in the form of them telling me to calm down. It has always manifested in them demonstrating their care for me and empathy for what I'm going through. Which makes sense when you consider the way in which "calm down" is provocative. My point being that this phrase will only serve to achieve the opposite of its stated goal.
All of this is anecdotal evidence, but it's still very instructive. It tells me that whenever somebody orders me to calm down, they're not showing care for me, nor are they talking about ME at all! What they're telling me is that they are feeling anxious and are (ab)using me to manage their anxiety in the moment. Which further tells me that they have unprocessed trauma as evidenced by their inability to self-soothe and a willingness to consume others for their own gain; an unsustainable proposition.
When you add these together, they are demonstrating that they have in fact normalized their abuse. They had been abused, so they are projecting that they expect you to have been abused. A safe bet given the dysfunctional world we live in! By telling you to calm down instead of being direct and honest about their feelings, they're trying to access the abuse of your past; Attenuate the seeds your abusers planted for the sake of isolating you. It's meant to provoke you into a state of being upset. Then the person saying it can feel vindicated that the blame lies entirely within you, disenfranchise you, subjugate you in the moment, and avoid any need to improve upon themselves. As I've said before, in an attempt to take control of something, they instead relinquish control to their very abusers that their attempt to gain control was meant to be in defiance of. This is truly very tragic.
It is important to recognize that this is toxic behavior. People who care about themselves and the quality people in their lives will avoid toxic people. Please note that up until now, I have not referred to the instigator as a toxic person. This isn't for the sake of concealing their toxicity. It is meant to serve as a reminder that their toxic behavior wasn't chosen by them consciously. Hopefully, quality people will respond to this behavior by attempting to reach out to that person and use their own trauma processing to help others. If they were to then reject your attempt, demonstrating that they find themselves to be incapable of growth, then by all means cut that person out of your life. At that point, they would be demonstrating that this is not a toxic behavior, but rather the toxic effects of a reckless person. By choosing to not improve upon themselves, they make themselves that much more culpable for their toxic behavior.
Stay strong, my brothers and sisters. Do not let people who would speak to you in this manner succeed in the self-doubt and attack they are trying to solicit with their deflective words. Look for a willingness to accept one's own capacity for error in those you would allow in your life. I would further recommend not letting any attempts to invalidate your experience go unchallenged. If your reaction to a situation isn't a useful one, then you can arrive at that conclusion through a constructive conversation with somebody who cares about you. Such a person will always validate your experience and empathize with you first, and then sift through the details to help you figure out where it came from. "Calm" isn't always the appropriate state of being, and those who would put forth calm as a virtue wish to not be held accountable for the behaviors they might engage in that could upset others. They are refusing to consider how they land for others while preying on your empathy in the form of caring for how you land for others.