I like your storyline.

Is this a short story or a first chapter? I see where it could grow into a novel.

Don't get discouraged; you haven't been discovered here yet. I recommend using the tagline story-mentor hosted by @mechelle.gent.
Some excellent​ writers hang out there, and you may find some great advice too!

With content like this, you will do well here. Persevere, my friend, you have talent.

CARRY ON!​