"Avengers: Infinity War" - just one fight scene times infinity

Warning: a few spoilers towards the end of this review…

The other night I went to the movies alone and saw “Avengers: Infinity War”. I was the only single person there; mostly it was groups of stoned college kids and bored couples—and all with bags of popcorn, a movie food that has irked me since childhood (what’s crunchier than popcorn?). I sat through a bunch of car commercials, five previews about human/machine/dinosaur hybrids, and then Marvel’s latest installment began.

I’ve seen every Avengers movie, but none of them recently, and this was unfortunate because “Infinity War” switched plotlines with every single scene change and had at least 25 superheroes. In that sense, it was like a jumbo comic book. If you haven’t seen the previous films, you won’t know what the hell is going on. But if you have, this one is pretty good. I’ll do my best to summarize the 8 or 9 separate plots: Thanos, the worst bad guy in the cosmos, is on a gotta-catch-em-all mission to collect the 6 infinity stones (mind, time, reality, soul, uh, 2 more) and make them into universe busting brass knuckles. He has a team of fugly wizards who support him for reasons unknown—love of destruction? Low SAT scores? Thanos (voiced by Josh Brolin) wants all the stones for his shiny gauntlet o’ power to vaporize half the universe’s population, thus bringing balance to a finite, overcrowded cosmos. But he’s whack—he kills and tortures to achieve his vision.

Here’s an incomplete list of all the superegos Thanos battles: Thor, Loki (he dies in the first 5 minutes), Dr. Strange, Benedict Wong (think his character is named “Wong”), all 5 guardians of the galaxy, Iron Man, Spider Man, the Hulk, Vision, the Winter Soldier, Don Cheadle (can’t remember his character’s name either), Captain America with a beard, Black Widow, the Falcon, Black Panther and his royal guard, Elizabeth Olson (IMDB tells me she was the Scarlet Witch), and probably a few more I’m forgetting. Of all of these, my favorite is still Groot (voiced by Vin Diesel), because he’s a whiny adolescent…tree. So unexpected, and yet he does save the day, in his own bizarre-o fashion.

With this many characters smashing into each other, the only dialogue there’s room for is comic book bubbles. For instance: Dr. Strange: “You know Thor?” Star Lord: “Thor? Oh yeah, tall guy, not that good looking, needed saving.” At 2 ½ hours, “Infinity War” is pretty much one long fight scene occasionally paused for kissy faces or broments. Like when Vision, Tony Stark’s super-cyborg, and the Scarlet Witch decide to make their relationship fo’ real. I wanted them to work out—what exceptional babies would come from a compassionate uber cyborg and a sultry telekinetic mother—but it was not in the cards. I could try to explain the various plot collisions and all the far-flung locations/superhero combinations, but that will turn this review into a galactic buzzkill, so I’ll turn instead to the production values.

The CGI is truly next level; there was something like 300 computer artists in the credits, not to mention the storyboarders, rotoscope people, layout artists, costume and makeup artists, set designers—it seemed like 5,000 people worked on this movie, maybe more. Did I mention Kenneth Branagh had an uncredited role as a distressed Asgardian voice? And that Stan Lee had his mandatory cameo? Where there’s room for 50 super egos, there’s room for two more. This movie had two directors— Anthony Russo and Joe Russo—but they managed to create a pretty seamless film. I couldn’t tell which brother did what. Many of the stars had whole teams of personal trainers, who definitely contributed to the movie’s crispness. Note to Thor’s trainers: if you’re willing to work for scale and accept cryptos, I’m ready to punch through some walls.

“Infinity War” might be the most comic booky of all the Avengers movies thus far; it had the brightest colors, biggest splash shots, and snappiest one-liners. But what of the villain? Well, it’s never explained how Thanos uses the infinity stones to vaporize the universe (which: spoiler, he does), maybe he just blinks and poof! Everyone turns to ash—with CGI effects so real I stopped breathing for a minute. He’s only a mediocre bad guy, though Brolin did what he could with his 85% CGI role (his real face is in there a little). His madness is not convincing, neither is his pathos. His lines are pretty lame. But then, how can one “nutsack face” stand up to 35 Hollywood personalities? The end, which sets up the next Avengers movie ("suprise") is kind of depressing.

Of 5 stars, I guess I’d give “Avengers: Infinity War” 3 and a ½. I was entertained, I like comic book movies, and there was certainly plenty of star power. The CGI was brilliant, the soundtrack was mostly fight grunts and synthesizer crescendos (think “pow!” “whamm-o!”). The lack of a convincing villain and visual continuity dragged down this movie, as many other reviewers have pointed out (the most common user review on IMDB seems to be 1/10 stars, though actual critics rate it higher), but I didn’t regret going, not at all. If you just want to be entertained by gorgeous images and Chris Hemsworth’s 10-inch biceps, “Infinity Wars” won’t disappoint.