A waiters rant: 5 Types of customers that have lowered my IQ

I’ve been a bartender/waiter on and off since about the age of 16 and I can say it can be the best job when you find the right place to work.
But if, like me, you’re in the 90% that work in an absolute sh!t hole that expect the very most out of you for the lowest possible pay they’re allowed to give you, then you’ve likely seen some stuff that has you questioning you’re very faith in humanity. While what I am about to share with you is indeed funny, it also shows that the customer may always be right, but in doing so can be a right dick. For instance, I may ask how your day is and you will reply with your order... ouch mate.

The Yo-yo Table

For those of you that don’t know, a restaurant will be divided up in sections, each section is given to a server who will stick to their own section all night. Our sections are 9 tables each, some with more seating than others... on a busy night, this is a serious amount for one person. However with efficiency, it’s easy enough when you know what you’re doing...
... that is until you get a yo-yo table. Quite simply, it is a single, usually small table that will have you back and forth running usually one thing at a time. It can be simple things, like get a tooth-pick... more water... I didn’t want ice in that water... can I have a kids menu... do you have any more straws? I dropped mine, sorry...
The list goes on... and I am not joking, the above was a condensed extract of an interaction I had with a table... and by God I think I managed to suppress the memories of when their food came... every plate went back... one of them twice.
Point is that I had other tables, and while you might think your needs are important, my time is scarce. Waste it with shit like that, and you’d better leave a tip.
Spoiler... she left a 26pence tip (Less than 0.50 USD).

I am Gluten-free... just because it sounds cool dude!

Just yesterday, I was waiting a larger table, second to last customer - a girl in her early 20s (guestimated figure... hard to say these days). She asked for a gluten-free beer (Peroni) and wanted a gluten-free meal which would have had to have been prepared separately from different ingrediance.
“Now are you positive this will not have a gram of gluten? Like, will it be made away from the other food? I just can’t eat it...”
I replied: “Don’t worry; I will mark your order as a Celiac, so the chefs will know exactly how to handle and prepare your food to your dietary needs.”
This was a rare moment of professionalism on my part... it’s rare that I can remember the word “Celiac” on the spot, let alone phrase it so well in a sentence...
...But she just stared at me... and not a good kind of stare.
“What are you doing with my order?”
Now I was confused... so confused that I could only repeat the word I was so proud of remembering...
“You’re a Celiac...”
“What did you call me...”
“Em... you suffer from Celiac disease?”
She just stared at me blankly looking both confused and a bit angry still.
I couldn’t believe this... and two others on the table were now staring at her in disbelief.
“Are you saying that gluten-free food is only for people with this disease?”
“That’s usually the case... Celiacs cannot digest gluten.”
As soon as her meal came, she quickly ate and paid up by the bar and was gone... I just don’t understand why some people would ask such questions about gluten-free food if they are not going to understand the answers given.
It makes me wonder though, how many people are going gluten-free just for the sake of it... being awkward taking valuable time away from our chefs over something they really don’t understand. Trust me, I see it a lot... someone orders a gluten-free meal and then orders a Carling or a Stella... how the funk do I take you seriously!?!?

The “let’s all pay separately” table of 40 people

Yes, that was an insane one... so insane that it took 45 minutes for me alone on the bar to sort it all out. Sifting through over 100 items looking for that topping that costs a few extra that went in your ice-cream, that extra bacon you had in your burger, that decaf latte that costs 5p indifference to a regular... slowly ticking one off that mountain of a list, one at a time, taking that payment in cash... sometimes card... sometimes voucher... change... receipt... NEXT!!
My fingers were numb from smashing the touch-screen so much, and the number of customers waiting for bar service grew... and the restaurant waiters were not serving them... they were busy with other tables.
Damn it, it’s so easy to download the free app that allows you to pay at your table which gives you 10% off for your first use! I swear this is going to be the first generation to not buy a round at the bar for their mates... everyone pays separately now.

The Burger Cheap Customer

Who doesn’t like a good burger? But chances are you don’t want to pay £7 or £8 (Call it ten Bucks to overseas friends). About a week ago, I had a lady (whom I did not serve, as I was on the bar, not the restaurant) query her bill with me. She was actually pretty furious about being charged around £10 for an upgrade burger...
... what else can you do other than show her the prices and how it clearly states the prices and add-on options. She claimed she felt I was “Belittling” her, to which I replied: “Not at all my dear, I just wanted to make sure you clearly understood your bill and that we are not trying to cheat you... besides, if you want a good burger, I’d say McDonalds is the place for you.”
The gang of thirsty footie fans had gathered round the bar, waiting for me as I was the only tender that night... they were in hysterics, and no doubt despised that woman for making them wait over something so easy for her to work out without my help.
The manager came up to me near the end of my shift to have a word... I thought he was there to caution me... maybe he was... but that idea was out the window when he burst out laughing after around twenty seconds of keeping a straight face.

Your Kids

Now I don’t hate kids... but by God our bar is not your kids play thing. Don’t let them tear up every damn bit of paper and every beer mat... or let them run around screaming like its a playground. People come out for a meal, not to watch these kids dart in and out of our sections, bashing beverage/food-baring servers. And other customers don’t want to see that... most are out for a quiet meal, not a pre-school social gathering.
Having said that, it’s the kids that will make you smile most. There are times where I have broken the rules just to let them into the kitchen, to meet the chef and tell them what they want. Most of the chefs have kids anyway, so I know it’s a welcome break for them in some senses. From the stories they tell you, or how they order their food... they might not tip you, but shit can they make you laugh sometimes. It’s funny when you hand them an I-server (I-Phone we take orders on), show them how it works and watch them take everyone’s orders. Obviously I correct it before sending it to the kitchen, but its nice to let them think they helped.

Bonus: I want a tab even though I don’t have a table

Lets say every table in the bar is sat... every table in the restaurant too... and you ask your bartender for a tab... usually this is no problem. But when it is this full... there is literally nowhere in the system to log your drinks. I refuse.
I don’t care how long you’ve been coming, how long you will be staying... even if you work there, no is the answer, because I am already dealing with 40-60 tabs on the system which all look the same to me. Ask anyone else for your tab, and they will be dumb-founded and I would be in the shit. This is no reason for me to get my manager to tell you the same thing, and there is no need for you to get in my face about it, because I have had customers resorting to more hostile and rude language over this. I don’t want a bar fight, or to get glassed in the face working minimum wage, but that’s the way it is.

Now I could go into how cheap people are, or how unfair my pay is and how many hours I work... but go to any good waiter or bartender and they will whine about the same thing... customers. We smile whilst serving you food and drink, we make sure you’re comfortable... but we hate you. Not on a personal level or anything (actually... sometimes that’s the case), but just as a mere part of our strange minimum-wage humour. Tell me (a bartender) that you don’t know what you want to drink after 3-4 minutes of waiting and I will laugh at you... but inside I am crying. How about a large order of hot drinks made by a machine that dishes one out every 45 seconds but needs constant supervision (because its sh!t) and you’ve just peed on my rug man.

Anyway, lets hear some more crazy restaurant or bar stories for the servers point of view... I have plenty more, but you guys probably have better.