The fact that you strive to understand what is true without attatchment to the answer is one of the biggest differences between you and most believers. I happen to believe that the nature of reality and "god" should be understandable to everyone without the need for assumptions. Much like the way we understand how to bake bread, there are those that know why we bake bread a certain way down to the intricacies of how the dough rises and by how much, and those that just know how to bake bread but not the "why". You my friend, are seeking to understand the truth of the reality youre experience and it seems youve yet to find an answer suitable to your liking.
To be fully athiest is a connundrum i myself struggle with as well, why should we be fully anything though. Knowing the answers to how we got here or why we are here is not what we, as secularists, are trying to grasp. Its attempting to know as few false things and as many true things as possible. Yet, how do we determine what is true? There in lies the rub.
I myself dont claim to know what "happened" and in that, i find peace. Im not claiming to know things i dont, all i need to know is why others believe what they do, and decide if its acceptable or reasonable to believe that. For me it takes a little more than an old contradictory and confusing book, which unfortunately seems to have convinced so many. I often ask christians why they dont believe in other gods, and their reasoning is often compartmentalized, since they werent raised to believe other gods. They themselves truely dont know "why" they believe "what" they believe. Im glad to see youve given you're beliefs a bit more thought to be cautious of unfounded claims more so than hell.