What is manipulation?

“ma‧nip‧u‧late /məˈnɪpjəleɪt/

• to make someone think and behave exactly as you want them to, by skilfully deceiving or influencing them
• to work skilfully with information, systems etc to achieve the result that you want” (1)

Manipulation with all its negative connotations may make you look away in disgust. People who manipulate must be bad, deceptive people that you should be suspicious of. Of course, we would never want such a person in our life and should keep our eye out to avoid falling prey to this person’s antics. But the problem with manipulation is that most of us have been exposed to it at such an early age by our first and most influential people on this planet: our parents. This then continued at school with friends and later with co-workers and probably most problematic – with in our intimate relationships.

It is for this reason that manipulation is subtle to us. It creeps up on us like the black of an oil spill in the vast ocean, tainting our perceptions and altering our reactions. It is an art that we have learnt to deal with yet, once exposed, never appreciate.

Recognizing the manipulators in your life

So how does one go about recognizing the manipulator in one’s life? The only way we can see out into the world for what it is, is to first examine ourselves. We need to clean the mirror we look into daily and then we can quickly recognize a manipulator in our life: ourselves. The first way to recognize the truth about others in others is to recognize and accept the truth in ourselves.

Manipulation starts when we want to change what someone is doing, control them, handle them, or manage them. However, it is subtle and pervasive. It involves influence, charm, flattery and comments veiled with concern, alterations of the truth, omissions of the truth (basically lies), bribery, blackmail and shifting responsibility of your feelings to someone else.

A few examples:

“You can’t wear that/eat that/do that. Because you know how it makes me feel.”

“I don’t trust you but you can earn my trust with impeccable behavior.”

“I only criticize you to help make you better.”

“Don’t be sad. It makes me sad. I just want you to be happy.”

“You’re not hurt, you’re just angry/bitter/revengeful.

“Do you love me? Then please just do this for me.”

“If you cared about me you would act this way/ wouldn’t act this way.”

“You made me unhappy/ angry and that's why I hurt myself/ hurt you/did what I did.”

The causes of manipulation

So what causes us to act out in manipulative ways? Actions may be manipulative due to the thoughts behind them:

Trying to keep a relationship “strong” by making your partner doubt themselves and their abilities so that they don’t leave you.

Trying to keep score of who loves who more.

My criticism is only to make someone a better person.

I need my partner to love me unconditionally.

Some of these comments seem so harmless and may have come up in relationships either said by you or a partner or parent. What is important to remember is the intent behind our manipulative behavior matters. Is getting someone to do what you want good for them or good for yourself? Sometimes we lie to ourselves that we are offering criticism to someone to help them grow or be a better person. Sometimes the way we veil that criticism (albeit true and fair criticism) is in order to effect a certain response that will benefit us rather than really help someone. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we do so much for someone and that they should reciprocate or act a certain way in response to our efforts and therefore love us unconditionally.

The results of this subtle art

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that the above thoughts, words and behavior are toxic to a relationship. Any relationship dealing with such behavior will be ridden with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, tension and exhaustion. It becomes a game of tug of war where the giver and receiver keep dancing around one another changing roles to fit into the new scenario of manipulation effected by the other. Only when this toxic behavior is removed can one start to enjoy a fulfilling, healthy relationship.

How to change this dynamic

Firstly, one must notice their manipulative tendencies and then accept that sometimes we all display this negative behavior and as well as fall prey to it. Start by shifting your mindset.
Realize your true intentions from the start. Change them if necessary so that your intentions do not involve trying to manipulate someone. Try to match your outer dialogue with your inner intentions so that you say what you truly mean.
Don’t tell others how they should feel. Don’t invalidate their feelings. Listen. Listen to why they feel that way, try to understand their view point and empathize with them. Listen without trying to fix their problems or making them feel helpless (i.e. like they need your help to get through this.)
When criticizing, try to see if what you are saying is because you want them to change their behavior for your gain. Feedback is better than criticizing i.e. “When this happens I feel like this” rather than “when you do this it makes me feel like this.”
This above ties in with taking responsibility for your own feelings. Stop blaming others for making you feel a certain way or for why you acted a certain way. The only person that has control over your feelings is yourself.

Moving forward in any relationship

While you may read the above and think you are a horrible person for all the ways in which you have mindlessly manipulated to get what you want from another (I know I did!). You may also be feeling upset and angry thinking of all the times you were unknowingly manipulated. Doing the above or having people in your life that do this does not mean we are all horrible and indecent. It is only basic human nature. But what is important is wanting to be a better person and recognizing that there is a chance to get there one day. It starts with being mindful of what we are doing daily and what others are doing too. Understanding that we feel a certain way and why (even if it is someone’s actions causing a reaction we should look at why we react that way).

A healthy relationship can make you a better person as it can hold up the mirror for you to see what it is that you do that isn’t in your own best interests or those around you. A loving relationship helps us see the flaws that need working on and inspires us to be better in a kind and caring environment.

Reference:

(1) https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/manipulate
Picture:
https:// i.pinimg.com/originals/d2/d5/82/d2d58270adcf90144f8de73a5b09b21c.jpg