From a slave to a master, chapter # 10 - The Dualistic Structure of relationships, part II

A Memoir

Excerpt: In this second article, out of four, [read the first], I am discussing the “games” that spouses play with each other throughout the courting time. This is an inherent feature of the dualistic relationships that so many men and women find themselves imprisoned within. Why imprisoned? Because they are acting against the natural call of their soul, which simply wants to express its love and passion towards another human being, but now not able to, due to the chains that are placed by their egos.

Credit: doug-thomas

An excellent and common example of a game that almost every man and woman is playing is known as the “phone calls/sms” game. The man, who has already shown his romantic interest in the woman asks and receives her phone number. If he thinks at this point that the difficult part of the courting is behind him he is gravely wrong because the woman sees this small grace from her end merely as an invitation for a test under which the potential knight will need to prove himself worthy of her royal attention. This woman wears a cunning smile because she knows that from now on the man is destined to go through some hurdles until she will be fully responding to him. It’s common to notice that the more the woman is sophisticated, intelligent and rational the higher the number of those hurdles is and the harsher their qualities are.

For example – An episode that happens to many people - when the man finally makes the phone call he finds out that the girl is not answering. Either she is not there or cannot come to the phone. Therefore, with ease and self-assurance, he leaves her a message asking her to do the trivial thing and call him back. But - no chance for that to happen! She indeed will receive the message, will hear the request but at the same time will think with a slight contempt: “who does he think he is to fathom that I would run after him?!”. Therefore he will be ignored.

Obviously, the woman is well experienced in the game to know for sure that he will indeed call her again. Regarding the slight danger he might not, then at this stage the woman is still emotionally distant and lack the eagerness to have the suitor to herself and therefore can allow herself to take the risk; and in case that may happen, she will be comforted by self-convincing herself that she deserves someone who invests time and energy in the pursuit and who does not give up so soon. That woman, nevertheless, unconsciously represses the thought that the very such kind of behavior on her part might reject, in advance, any spouse who has evolved far beyond such courting childish games; A man who values himself enough to know that when he leaves a message it should be answered.

The average man, on his end, is aware of his role in the game. That is, he left the woman a message predicting she would not call back. Now, he waits for a few hours, perhaps a full day and calls her again. Will she now answer or will she want to test his perseverance? The answer depends on several elements: how sophisticated the girl is, the type of enjoyment she derives from the game, her level of self-esteem and whether or not she is a self-assured person.

It is worth mentioning that conclusively we are dealing with a game here, and as such it has rules and regulations that remain unclear for neutral spectators such as ourselves. When we visit a kindergarten, for example, and observe the infants quarrel in the sandbox we do not stop them or interfere with their doings regardless their messy, dirty or ugly behaviors. Why? Because “they are just children” and such a game is part of the growing process.

Another example is when we notice a little child trying endlessly to put together a ten pieces puzzle and as compassionate creatures we feel an urge to help him and end his frustration altogether. Nonetheless, as good parents we would know how important and vital such challenge Is for the child’s proper development and so we would remain neutral.

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Credit: doug-thomas

The same applies to the loving honey-birds in our example who run the courting game. It would be futile to ask them for the cognitive reasons that caused them to entangle themselves in such tedious game which caused them to endure physical and mental impedances, to suffer body aches and broken hearts, only to reach at last the same place they would have gotten at, had they not immersed themselves in the dualistic game in the first place.

Individuals who choose to play the courting game collaborate with each other and draw an energy supply from the experience. They are fed by the interaction, are enriched by it and almost always they learn about their inner world and how it shapes their reality. Like the audience in a play, for us, who observe from the side, such a mental battling looks pointless, childish and frustrating to the extent that we feel compelled to speak up and give suggestions which, no matter what, are seldom heard and remain for the most part disregarded.

In our example, the man finally succeeded to speak with the woman who, from her part, became honey lipped and did give him an enthusiastic attention for she clearly knew that if she wanted to keep him and make him continue his perusal she would have to express some warmth, some caring and to a lesser extent submissive attitude. That being the case, the man enjoyed the conversation with the girl, was pleased by her interest in him, appreciated the shared experiences and their laughs together and overall spent time, gave the feeling that someone indeed cares for him and someone does love him.

The expected natural consequences are that the man is getting emotionally attached to the woman, something that she naturally welcomes. Their phone conversation ends with the man feeling exhilarated and wanting the woman more than ever before as he understands that the mutual interest will lead, eventually, to a relationship. Such recognition strengthens within him the satisfaction of his achievement and by that makes him feel a conqueror. (Some men need to brag to others and extend this false feeling of being powerful).

The woman, on her end, is aware of the fact that she charmed the man but she also knows how it was just a part of the game, an illusion, which predicts nothing about the future. She did not really reveal much, neither of herself nor of her intentions. If she did and for instance shared with the guy her fears of being abandoned he might run away or, even worse, despise her. Or so she thinks.

The woman does know that she gave her suitor a “good time” and awarded him with one more grace of hers. How many left? That depends, once again, on her self esteem. If it is low and she felt a lack of power by the giving per-se she would try to regain back some of it. It is the kingdom where the ego reins and it will do everything to keep her safe and unhurt. Therefore, an unsecured woman would slightly alter her behavior, enough to shake the man’s confidence and still keep him interested. Some women are real experts and delude the suitor time and again only to test his intentions, his inner strength, and general well-being. This so-called “bitchy” behavior is the hard-core version of the courting game and can easily reach unpleasant levels that might harm both the players. Needless to say that I do not advice this.

Credit: nomad-magus

The most amazing thing about these dualistic games is that both individuals suffer greatly and would prefer things to be otherwise but for certain reasons discussed hereinafter they can not let go and can not allow themselves to completely abandon the game.

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In Part III - who to blame; the dire long-run influences of the “courting game” and more characteristics of the dualistic nature of relationships.