The Prologue: Part One

Every being and every organism has a beginning, a creation. Our childhood is our prelude into life – the fucking genesis if you will. Now, in our “prelude” important events happen during our toddler, childhood and adolescence years that will shape the way we view the world, view ourselves, cope with situations, build relationships, and hold our self-worth/ self-esteem.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I had an awful childhood and now I’m all sorts of fucked up. I actually had a pretty cool childhood. It was filled with plenty of adventure and fresh air and friends here and there, though I was and always have been completely content in my own company. I had a Barbie doll collection but also had monster truck. Make up, but also mud.

It’s just that somewhere along the way from being a little kid and now things didn’t go exactly as they should. My view on life became bleaker and bleaker even before puberty I would wonder why I would get so much more nervous than other kids in situations. Hello Anxiety.

High School is certainly something else. The sheer mass of teenagers all in one spot trying to be controlled to some degree by a Principal, several Deans and a couple of handfuls of teachers. There were times in High School where I had friends and times I didn’t. Bullying in high school is definitely a contributor to my mental health, as it just solidified my already negative views on my self-image and worth. Something to which is still my biggest battle. Hello Depression.

Leaving High School seemed to help for a while, busying myself with a hairdressing apprenticeship, building relationships with co-workers and clients and learning new skills. Unfortunately in my case I discovered that environment was almost as toxic as school. I remember being sixteen or seventeen years old and my 40 something camp co-worker told me I needed to lose weight and that I was wearing too much make up. At that point I remember weighing about 55 kg.

I then entered a very controlling and toxic relationship that lasted around three years. I can honestly say by the time that relationship ended I was shattered and at an all-time low. It would have been one thing for the relationship to come to an organic finish. But this was the one of those moments where not just the shit hit the fan, but the fan was razor blades and I threw my heart into it, watching it slice into an aorta mess. I received an absolute fucking spew of confessions of cheating and lying. Without going into it, it was not a point in my life that I grade highly. I felt like an idiot, a real cliché of the young dumb girl blinded by the god dam “love”. Hello again, Depression. Hello again, Anxiety.

I have to say it wasn’t until this point in my life when I realised that depression and anxiety were a huge part of my being already. I was not doing anything to assist myself. I would be eating a generally healthy diet and exercise, but it was nothing tailored to my needs. I didn’t have any idea to help myself. So I began the cycle of retreating and isolating.