Starting Over.

On February 23rd My daughter was having her 6th birthday, I was unsettled and unearthed from my current situation, what was supposed to be one of the best memories that I got too experience was covered in a haze that I couldn’t shake…. I had no clue what the hell I was doing with my life.

A couple of months ago I found out my wife had had an affair, my wife of 8 years had cheated and lied for years to me, easy to say I never really knew her at all, we tried to work it out but I’m not a person to let things go and nor just forgive every day I felt like I was losing myself to depression and self-loathing. I was no longer living, I was a husk … I was lost.

I couldn’t take this anymore the uncertain future without plans no path, no guidance. I looked at her and told her “you need to make a decision, what are we doing ?” we had had no plans for our upcoming move-out/separation from the Airforce. She had spent most of her twenties serving in Airforce security forces. I spent most of my twenties being a stay at home dad with the occasional odd jobs. Over the 7years we grew apart and changed into people we never planned to be, nor wanted to be.

The next day I needed to take her to work I was unsettled to the point that I was so frustrated, so I made the rash decision to make her give me the answer, ” I want a decision, I need a path and I need to get some control over my life!”. She gave me the answer ”we should separate.”.

I didn’t take it well, (because who would?) She had told me it was hard to see the pain she had caused to me, she could see it in my eyes every day. (side note; I don’t believe she is a completely horrible and rotten person.) She was right. I was filled with pain, I was hurting. I was something I never wanted to be … Pathetic and Broken. The fact was when we stripped everything away that we held onto that we thought made our identities, we had nothing at all.

We had a hectic last-minute schedule (this was honestly the norm for this household, and yes it is exhausting to live like that) we finally moved out. I went to stay with some friends and so did she. during the move-out we worked together (some of the best teamwork we had honestly shared in our whole relationship) and pulled through. We met up when it was done, said it was goodbye, for now, gave a final kiss to my wife, hugged my daughter told her to ”be good for mommy” and promised each other to become better people and become more than what we where.

I never knew how hard the ”goodbyes” and ”I love you’s” really were until I walked away, or what journey that would unfold now that was ”thrown out to the wolves”. ( I use this term in my own words for motivation because you something to keep you moving if you don’t your only other option is to lay down and get eaten )

So now I am left alone with myself and my 9-year-old Golden-Chow Chloe, to figure out how to start over destroy the old and rebuild a new, become a man all over again. I understand now that time is something you cannot waste and decisions should be carefully thought out and planned.

I’m choosing Vanlife to put myself to the test and stay close to my daughter. rent is really high where we are deciding to stay and a car payment is certainly cheaper than rent. I don’t see it as being homeless I see it as freedom and learning experience that can be invaluable.