One word to describe me

My name is Ben Honeywell and this is my introductory post. I think if there were one word to describe me, it would be "lover". I like people. I like to get to know them. I want to make people happy because I want the world to be a happier place. This quality of wanting to give others happiness is what I call "love", in the sense that the word "philanthropy" translates literally to "lover of humanity". I am a lover of humanity because I want people to give people happiness and I want to share in that happiness.

Image Credit: Ben Honeywell

My adoration with women

I love humanity. But of humanity, I will not hide the fact that I love women most of all. Women, on the whole, are better than men because women are more sensitive and caring by nature. Women are the child bearers and biologically they must be caring to ensure that their offspring grow and thrive. I also will not hide the fact that women are physically attractive to me. Of all nature's creations, I would rather look at a beautiful woman more than anything else. I can't help it. To me, beholding a beautiful woman is like enjoying a concert or a delicious meal. Beholding a woman is a fulfilling act in itself.

My adoration of women has been a burden to me, and the particulars of my physical development during adolescence and adulthood have been an additional burden that has caused me many failed relationships. I will explain.

Ugly duckling

I might have been described in my youth as somewhat of an ugly duckling. My awkward age was as bad as it could get. Mostly, I had a rather grim smile and and a poor complexion related to the massive doses of hormones my body produced on its way to adulthood. As someone who loved people, and wanted to know them, and most of all wanted to be in the company of beautiful girls, I was a victim of many brutal rejections. These were not "brushoffs", but literally rejections of the "go away you are ugly" variety. While rejection is not uncommon for the adolescent, I think the type I recieved hit me especially hard and my confidence with women was damaged. This confidence would not be repaired for many years.

Confidence, insecurity, and the vicious cycle of rejection

Confidence is critical for relationships, even if one ignores for a moment that confidence is a key to initial sexual attraction. To understand the importance of confidence, consider that the opposite of confidence is insecurity. Insecurity undermines relationships because it makes your partner uneasy. Insecurity makes you second guess your partner's motivations and it makes you doubt their attraction to you. Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophesy that feeds a viscious cycle. When partners in a relationship detect the insecurity, they begin to lose interest because they feel psychological pressure. When partners lose interest, it leads to more insecurity. Eventually the relationship will self destruct and the insecure partner will get dumped, which further damages self confidence required for healthy future relationships.

This viscious cycle of insecurity and rejection is every bit as damaging to the human soul as drug or alcohol addiction. Each relationship is like a hit off the pipe or a slug from the bottle because these relationships fill the need to be accepted and to be loved. But when the initial buzz of intimacy wears off, the insecurity returns. And it doesn't take long. An insecure lover will often have relationships that last no longer than a night, about the same time it takes to go through a bottle of Jack Daniels. These one night stands are the trademark of insecure lovers. They are failed relationships, destroyed by the insecure partner before they have a chance to begin.

The swan

The particulars of my physical development burdened me even when they shouldn't have. My smile was fixed with braces and my hormone induced complexion cleared up as I entered adulthood. When I was about 17, I blossomed from a grim boy that a good looking girl wouldn't take the time to kick, to a young man who found himself on dates with the most beautiful women he met. Looking back, the transformation was absurd--although I failed to detect that any transformation had occurred at all.

I escaped the grim smile and the poor complexion, I grew to a manly height, and through an insecurity induced weightlifting regimine, obtained an athletic build. But the thing I couldn't escape, no matter how beautiful the company I kept, were those dozens of rejections of my early teens. They left deep painful scars that saddled me with a crushing insecurity that drove so many women away.

Why did I still face rejection?

I had the physical appeal and wit to get my foot in the door, go on several dates, and even move through a few bases most of the time. But once it got serious--once it got to commitment--once it got to the thresholds of truly fulfilling relationships, somehow I would drop the ball and drive these beautiful women from me.

"How could it be. What was wrong with me?"

"The question, Ben," I should have said to myself. "The question itself is what is what is wrong with you."

As soon as that question creeps into your mind while in the midst of a relationship, the insecurity takes over like delirium tremens or the chucks and, just like withdrawal sabatoges one's substance induced euphoria, insecurity will sabotage your relationships.

Foundations of healthy relationships with women

It took me many years and many brutal rejections to assemble a cohesive enough history to fuel a productive self examination. I discovered what ruined so many relationships for me and made my experiences with women so painful. Like a drug addict's or alcoholic's most difficult task is confronting their dependency, acknowledging my insecurities with women was one of my most difficult obstacles of self awareness. I won't take the reader through this journey of reflection. Instead, I offer the product of that journey, distilled. I offer not a record of my pain, but a catalog of the wisdom gained through that pain.

I use this post to introduce not only myself, but my book about the basics of confidence with women. The book is called "Foundations of Healthy Relationships with Women". It is not a book about gaming female psychology to make them fall for you. It is a book filled with straightforward and common sense advice that will help ugly ducklings and beautiful swans alike to find happiness in their relationships with women. It will show the reader how to get his foot in the door, to enter a woman's life, and to share fulfilling experiences with his female partner.

I am excited to share this book I wrote on Steemit. This book has never been published elsewhere and is completely original material. I hope it helps its readers to find greater happiness.