Forgiving polarized relationships

Self direction, self creation, and asking for help - these are my 3 guidelines for the moment in my process.

I've had a tendency to always want to look backwards, to get stuck in the past and want to linger there, in a way making a new way/life/future seem unrealistic or impossible.

So I have to actually have to look at my life now, who I am today, because I have taken that point for granted and missed it quite a bit: that a lot has changed, that I've learned a lot and the world around me has been adjusting/transforming - I simply have to stand up and be here to be able to walk with/as the change that is already here.

Much has changed - a new financial situation, new relationship partner, new career (or lack thereof). And I almost find it difficult to believe that I am here at such a point. An opportunity to completely walk into a new life, to create a whole new world. It's what I always wished for, but what I never imagined. Why would it be so difficult to embrace that which I have always wanted?

It is the baggage of the past that I have come to know and believe myself to love. Old habits die hard, because of the way I have made all of these positive associations with all of these crutches I have been using. Like a cripple who has never walked before, who now has the chance to use new legs, but has gotten so used to the crutches that using the new legs somehow seems worse or more difficult because of the learning curve of learning how to walk.

And that is what I am learning to do, how to walk. It is one thing to learn, it is another to realize, it is another to stand, and it is another to walk - yet it is all part of one process.

And at the moment I am walking a process of dealing with the outflows of the life I have been living for so long. There are many relationships, for instance, that I have to let go of, both within myself and with the people who I am in relation with in some cases.

The fear of missing out on something is what mainly comes up. Missing out on a great partner, a great experience, a great sexual experience, missing out on some kind of elusive dream or fantasy - yet that point of what I'm missing out is what I have bee living and creating this whole time through my desire to chase relationships, to chase ideals and fantasies.

Another point that comes up is the fear that I might 'hurt' someone, to want to hold on to ex-partners because I fear ruining our relationship connection, and finding myself 'hopeful' that we can still be friends. Within such a point I realize is the fear of letting go again, which I mask as the good intentions of not hurting anyone, as if others need me and depend on me and without me their lives will be worse.

The point I am seeing here that will be necessary is CLARITY or to be CLEAR. To be CLEAR is to have FEAR, no doubts about what I'm doing, no looking back, no going back. Within CLARITY I can self honestly see that these past relationships I am letting go of are abusive in nature, that they do not in fact benefit me or the others involved, and that I am doing everyone a favour by embracing and walking this new point of change, with myself going into a new relationship agreement.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to embrace what is here as the law of my being, who I am in my beingness, what I actually enjoy, who I actually like to be with, what I like to do and experience

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist real relationships and living because it feels easier to hold onto past relationships as I have become addicted to that energy of the rush of doing things that I don't like

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my relationships on polarity and separation, where I seek to dominate and get what I want and be only concerned with my bottom line while presenting myself as a benevolent being to the ultimate degree to offset the other extreme of self interest that is existent within me as my starting point, polarizing my mind and my physical reality and creating deception and confusion of the point of who I am and what I am living for myself and all others who are lost within the same point

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to seek out relationships and situations where there is conflict and friction as a form of entertainment and distraction to not have to focus on actual solutions and work towards solutions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive association with the friction that I create of this game where I exist within a point of friction within myself in my relationships because of my tendency to be able to come out on top of these situations, where I justify this game as being valid because I believe that I can always be a winner, and within this, discounting the fact of the reality that everybody loses in war

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire to play the game of jockeying for position over my fellow humans because of the way I felt I grew up within this game dynamic and felt that I was always on the losing end of this battle and from this point, created a point of vengeful anger within myself where I seek to be the ultimate winner and dominant all positions/situations so that I can forever escape this fear of losing out

I commit myself to stop my participation in relationships/interactions with others and within myself where I am seeking to dominate and lusting for a point of friction from which to base myself as a polarized being

I commit myself to nip in the bud any points of inner friction that come up so that I may investigate and understand from where/from what memories are these points of friction and desire arising, and no longer accept and allow myself to exist within this point of memory and create more illusions of war/battle

I commit myself to work in spaces where I can actually have new experiences, new explorations, new developments and progressions so that I do not stay and remain stagnant within a point of friction, no matter how good or exciting it may feel

I commit myself to let go of all morality as I see, realize and understanding that to approach life from a moral context is to repeat the same time loops, and rather commit myself to common sense within the context of what is best for all life as the seeking out/working towards solutions and expand myself within and as solutions as my self expression

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to illusion self within the belief that change is not possible and to try and use memories as evidence that change is apparently not possible

I commit myself to live the point of self change, self direction and self expansion - even if it means being humble and asking for help - as I see, realize and understand that real change can only come about through the point of self creation which is to actually live, walk with and explore life as solutions can never be found/exist within past memories of life misunderstood

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of the fear of hurting others as the excuse to not let go of relationships that are based in friction and separation, and that I've not accepted and allowed myself to let go within myself sufficiently that I can create anew

I commit myself to not use the fear of hurting others or abandoning others or the narrative that other people need me in their lives, as I see, realize and understand that this is the self talk, self projection as the mind and self sabotage to keep me from letting go sufficiently of relationships that do not support life and self expansion, and that such self talk is not to be flirted with as it is a wolf in sheeps clothing and quite a deceptive way to keep life stuck in the past and not find actual real solutions - even if it seems/feels more difficult and challenging that reverting to past behaviors/memories