How I (a really socially unintelligent person) got a boyfriend

True, although I edited the timeline

I have a problem with people. They tend to talk about stuff that I do not understand, or particularly care for. It’s sad, because I love conversations as long as they are meaningful for all the people engaged in it.

When I started working, I never took part in the relation building exercises called Lunch. I am not that fond of food, so I usually consumed my external sources of energy at my desk. But at some point, I realized that me skipping lunch could be the reason why my colleagues considered it justified to treat me sub-par.

So. I decided to join. I needed to find out how the Rules of Social Interaction were created.
At first. I observed.

I noticed that Bearly couldn’t make it for Lunch on this day. Great! Now I would experience how my colleagues would judge him and agree on a suitable punishment as they had with me for the past half year.

I expected the passive-aggressive loud talker, Francis, to start by saying: “Today, Bearly did not join for lunch, so tomorrow, let’s try to raise one eyebrow at him and laugh in contempt when he speaks with us.”

But no. The topic of conversation was… food…

For those of you equipped with a higher social intelligence than me, I am sure that this did not come as a surprise. But to me, it did.

“Have you tried this dish before?” “Should I have chosen another dish?” “You want to hear what I had for dinner yesterday?”

It was brilliant! Have you tried [insert activity]? Should I have chosen [insert another activity]? (I think this is where I learnt how to engage in general small talk.)

But, after a while I started to grow impatient. When would the Rules of Social Interaction be decided upon?
I forced myself to maintain eye contact, irk my mouth upwards and laugh when appropriate.

The topic shifted.

Tv, celebrities. . .

One of the dangers of boredom is that my eyes start flickering.I don’t own a TV, I don’t understand reality shows, and now, 20 minutes had passed, and I had yet learnt how they would make Bearly’s life miserable.

The Lunch finished at 40 minutes, and as for Rules of Social Interaction, I still had no clue.

My colleagues still treated me like sh*t. And they still loved Bearly. . .

Apparently, it would not be sufficient to simply sit amongs the Social Justice League. I had to partake.

So I decided to join for the next Lunch as well. This time, as a contributor.

“Bread and cheese is good”. I looked down at my plate and into collectively raised eyebrows. No one responded on the topic of food. Instead they all waited for a long moment, before initiating a conversation as if I had not uttered my statement in the first place. I had failed.

Something in my calculation was off. I scanned the table and noticed the colorful variations of antioxidants and proteins. Then, I looked down at my own plate. The cheese was as sweaty as I felt, and the bred was full of carbs.
My initial analysis was wrong. I made a mental note of these details.

First consider if [insert activity] is acceptable before providing statement of said activity.

That night, I decided to call for help.

I so happened to live with a Socially Intelligent person during my studies, and I presented my problem as follows: How do you successfully partake in the Social Interaction called Lunch?

She politely informed me that I needed to care about others. I did not fully understand this, as I do believe that I care that people are comfortable and happy. It is logical. A comfortable person would complete their work tasks more efficiently and with a higher quality than an uncomfortable one.

She corrected me. Building relations is about caring about what other people care about. While caring for a person’s general well-being is just common decency.

She suggested that I’d watch a movie, and then talk about it during the next lunch.

I browsed the internet. I wanted to find something I was certain that my colleagues would have seen, based on age. I also needed a topic worth discussing, critically acclaimed and nothing edgy, so probably “suitable for all ages”.
I also googled what would be stereotypical and entertaining for different genders.
In short, I found that men like sports, women like drama, racism is important to fight against, Denzel Washington is deemed a good actor, and Disney is family friendly.

I landed on the movie “Remember the Titans”.

I watched it. I was moved, and I even had a quote:
“Attitude reflects leadership”.

Next up: Lunch time!

No one really could recall seeing the movie. Except from Francis. And she got really provoked. I had to spend the entire lunch trying to explain to her that I was not a child abuser and that I was not supporting a sport which got children injured and exploited.

I learnt a new thing that day:
Francis does not like when people indirectly supports American Football.
I made sure to remember.

But that evening… I cried…

When I came in for work the next day, I overheard a conversation about my eating habits. “Kime eats the same thing every day,” Francis said. “She’s always like, look at me! look at me! I can eat everything and not gain weight.”
“Yeah, totally. She’s just like that.” Leiah said.

They sounded happy, and I think they had a good and efficient working day.
But, I was not. And I wasn’t particularly hungry that day either. So I skipped lunch.

Felt like having sex that evening to get my mind off things. I am not good with relationships, since I am not good with people, so I have always preferred casual encounters. You know, guys that leave instead of talking about reality tv and in what parts of the world they have travelled. I usually also go for the handsome, as, in my experience, the more handsome they are the more likely they will treat me as a one-night stand and leave after the sexual session is completed.

But this time, this man didn’t. He rolled onto his back and stayed. It was uncomfortable. I felt like I had to engage in small-talk. I decided to sum up all the things that I had learnt from my Lunch experiences at work. So I started like this:

“Was this your first time having sex?” (Have you tried that dish before?)
His body stiffened and he pulled his shoulders upwards. “What?” He said. A couple of wrinkles formed on his nose, but I could also see a faint smile on his lips.
I decided to continue. Next up was (“I wonder if I should have chosen a different dish”). “I wondered if I should have chosen that guy that bought me a drink at the bar”.
“HA HA,” he laughed. It sounded unnatural. That made me happy. My laugh is always fake.
“I liked having sex with you,” I said.
He opened his mouth but he didn’t really say anything. And then I just realized, I had moved into the “bread and cheese” trap. He would reject my statement with silence if he had not enjoyed it.
“You are so weird,” he said.
“I know,” A surge of relief spread through my body. He did not reject me with awkward silence. “Oh, and for the record,” I added hastily, “I do not support American Football although i may occasionally enjoy a movie about it”
“Ha ha.” This time his laugh sounded real.

We fell asleep next to eachother and we both woke up when I accidentally farted on his thigh. He claimed the sound was impressive and his skin had vibrated. I categorized the smell as "how a dog fart would smell if a dog had been drinking sea water.” He wondered what I had been eating. “Bread and cheese” I replied. “It’s good.”

We both laughed. But for entirely different reasons.