Why MEN fake orgasms and we're apparently NOT supposed to discuss that.

The male orgasm is the icing on the cake. For most heterosexuals, the following applies: it's only over when the wiener sings. Ejaculation seals the act: without blowing a load, some don't even feel they had sex. If society keeps up the pressure like that, it's not surprising that men can't help but sometimes bow under pressure and pretend. How often he does that, however, is hardly known.

For women, however, it was already extensively surveyed. In 1976, Shere Hite presented a questionnaire about sex to more than 3,000 American women. The research confirmed what many women already knew intuitively: having an orgasm is not that difficult at all, as long as you do it on your own. The big problem arises with penis-in-vagina sex. Hite also asked these women if they ever pretend to have an orgasm. More than half answered affirmatively.

In the following years, that question was asked to heterosexual women quite frequently. The percentages vary slightly but are always between 50 and 65 percent. These are high numbers and it is therefore not surprising that researchers have dived deeper into the matter. From such research we know, for example, that women fake orgasms more often when they think their husband is cheating and that these women flirt less with other men. That could indicate that women see lying as a sign of commitment, namely as a way to retain their partner by pretending to be wonderfully satisfied by him.

There is a mountain of research into the motivations of women to simulate an orgasm. These reasons can be summarized in four clusters, as an American study suggests. "Altruistic Deceit" means that an orgasm is simulated to spare the feelings of the man. This is the most common. Fear and uncertainty also play a role: women are faking because they are ashamed they can’t reach orgasm or because they think there may be something physically wrong with them.

To me, the cluster "elevated arousal" is striking: some women are faking because they think it's fun or to increase the drama of their sexual experience. It is also noteworthy that "sexual suspension", a reason media often mention, is the least explanation why women would fake. Sexual suspension means that an orgasm is simulated so that the sex would be over.

Shere Hite is a feminist. Her research was motivated by activist reasons. Women grew up (and are growing up) with the wrong images about sex. In popular culture, we see women always make it to the big finish, often at the same time as men. That is really unique, but it is presented to us as 'normal'. Women are also bad at identifying their own orgasm. They lack an easily recognizable 'mechanism' such as ejaculation. As a result, there are women who only discover later that they actually never had an orgasm before.

That lack of objective signs of orgasm also makes it easier to fake those vague symptoms. For men, that is more difficult, but not impossible. Certainly not if condoms are in play.

Moreover, there are enough reasons to fake orgasm, for example, all the reasons that also apply to women. Enough women who ask if they did something wrong when there is no male orgasm. Enough men too who think it has been quite enough now. Since by far the majority of people consider ejaculation to be the final whistle, the man in a certain sense has even more reasons for whistle-blowing. Add to that the fact that many men suffer from orgasmic disorders. Instead of talking extensively to each other, some play-acting can take away the discomfort.

Unfortunately, the frequency with which men do this has hardly been surveyed. I did find an American study among Bachelor's students from 2010:

Both men (25%) and women (50%) reported pretending orgasm (28% and 67%, respectively, for PVI-experienced participants). Most pretended during PVI, but some pretended during oral sex, manual stimulation, and phone sex.

So a quarter of men also pretend orgasm. 2010 was already ten years ago, yet there are still just a handful of studies on this subject (see links). By the way, they show that the motivations indeed differ little from those of women (including disappointment about the partner's skills), although men also indicate that they were too drunk to come. I wonder why researchers seem to ignore this topic?

We can perhaps find an explanation in the book “Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men”, the international bestseller of the British journalist Caroline Criado Perez. Our world is focused on men, informed by research conducted with men. Criado Perez argues that this makes the world unsafe for women, a message that also received much attention in the press. But when it comes to men who are faking orgasm, the opposite is true: scientists almost remain silent on this issue.

Is this because it's so difficult for men to talk about the myths of male sexuality, about long-held stereotypes that men are always interested in sex, happiest being the pursuer and focused solely on the physical? I actually don't know. It is also more likely that we have so much research about women because this was a feminist counter-movement. Women drew attention to the lack of pleasure they experienced in bed with men. The fact that this experience, at least in part, turns out to be mutual, must make us scratch our heads about the lack of compatibility of heterosexuals during sex.

In Invisible Women: Exposing data bias in a world designed for men (Chatto & Windus, 2019: Amazon US / Amazon UK), Caroline Criado Perez analyzes how gender politics are affected and enhanced by gaps in big data and argues powerfully that human history is comprised of a pervasive gender data gap that effectively ‘silences’ and erases women’s accomplishments, experiences, needs and daily lives. - Forbes.com

Despite the fact that it is nearly impossible to read this book without experiencing a flood of potent emotions ranging from frustration to tooth-gnashing outrage, Ms. Perez is not seeking to bash male-dominated society. She freely admits she cannot prove why the gender gap exists. Instead, she is documenting a long-standing and seemingly inescapable problem that effectively renders half of the world’s population invisible, and she is hoping that the evidence that she has amassed in her book will convince the public that this data gap exists and that it has real and profound effects on women’s lives. - Forbes.com

Links:

• first photo by Charles on Unsplash
• second photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash
• Not all fakes are created equal: examining the relationships between men's motives for pretending orgasm and levels of sexual desire, and relationship and sexual satisfaction
• The development and validation of the motives for feigning orgasms scale
• Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias In A World Designed For Men - Forbes