Relationships

Relationships are extremely complicated, at the same time very critical, to live our life. Yet surprisingly, there is no emphasis on learning the art of living or the art of nurturing relationships (family, workspace, friends and community) in any school.

Every individual looks at life from his/her unique perspective, acquired as a result of his/her very unique journey of life and conditioning in early formative years. It is not practical to expect two individuals to completely think alike. However marriage is a joint venture where both husband and wife are often required to jointly take important decisions affecting the course of their life.

A seeker once asked Param Pujya Dadabhagwan about main cause of discord between a husband and a wife. Pujya Dadashri replied “The differences occur because the husband thinks he is intelligent and the wife thinks she is intelligent. If both exercise their intellect there will be a fight.”

In an event of conflict of opinions, the way a human brain is wired, it will immediately get to the task of identifying which one of the two opinions is wrong, based on facts and logic. And most of the times, unknowingly with a bias towards one’s own opinion, it just runs in a direction to gather arguments to negate the other person’s opinion, without even objectively thinking over it.

However, what we forget here is that, you might prove your opinion is right or more practical; but while doing so, your partner is proved wrong and put down. When your partner is hurt, you might be victorious in the battle of opinions but your relationship has undergone a defeat. Every little blow accumulates and weakens your relationship, and it affects the way it will unfurl in future.

Pujya Dadashri therefore says, “Difference of opinion is synonymous to a tug-of-war. If you pull too hard, the rope breaks. If it breaks, you will have to tie a knot in it. Instead of having to tie a knot, what is wrong with simply leaving the rope intact? If one pulls hard, the other should just let go.” Question here arises, who of the two should let it go first? Pujya Dadashri replies, “The one who has understanding. The one who has the right understanding will let go and the one who is using the wrong intellect will continue pulling. Real intellect is what can bring an end to conflict forever.”

There is a famous proverb which says where there are utensils, it will clink and clatter, suggesting that conflicts are inevitable. However, Pujya Dadashri says that human beings are not inanimate objects, but are higher intellectual beings who can avoid any kind of clashes.

At the end of any argument, it is important to sense the situation, respect your partners’ perspective, and understand their point of view in arriving at that opinion; and then look for ways to reach a common ground and avoid conflict. It is easy to visualize other’s point of view with this simple example. If you are climbing a mountain, at the first base or lowest elevation you see a beautiful view. You describe it by saying you see lots of pine trees and greenery. Now you continue to climb further. At the second base, you describe that you see a distant rivulet in the valley. Continuing your hike to reach the peak, now you describe that you see a small village nestled in the valley on one side and other peaks on one side. None of the three different descriptions given by a same individual are wrong, but are based on each viewpoint. Similarly a person’s perception or his interpretation of a situation is based on his viewpoint. It isn’t even his mistake in coming to that opinion. Pujya Dadashri says “If you keep in mind other’s viewpoint, there is no possibility of conflict.”
Pujya Dadashri had a deep understanding of intricacies of human relationships, which is apparent when he further suggests “When you let go, do not let go all of a sudden, let it go very gradually, otherwise the person on the opposing end will fall down.” When you adjust with your spouse, there shouldn’t be an underlying message that you are the superior one, who let it go; instead it should be so subtle that the other person should not even realize about your adjustment. When one deliberately gives up, it may be his loss but it is a victory of one’s relationship.

To practically avoid possible instances of conflict, both can even discuss and define a clear demarcation of departments, where husband or wife will be responsible for their respective duties based on individual interests.

Both should make a strong resolution that they would never let difference of opinions cause discord in their relation. In an ideal relationship, there is no scope for ego between you and your spouse, when you have promised to spend a lifetime together. A family should be an inseparable unit.

There should be no “mine” and “yours” in a relationship but only “ours”. Any relationship will fare strong against all odds if there is this deep connection or a sense of belonging to the same team.

To read more on: https://www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/relationship/live-a-happy-married-life/