My brain is yet to implode
What phase of life are you in right now?
Because I can't identify where I am in this moment. All I know is that there's food in the kitchen, I'm sitting on a comfortable bed, I can hear a faint noise upstairs, which I believe is a TV show that reminds me of how miserable I'm living right now. Well, technically the TV is not doing anything wrong. It's just that, I'm tired of living in this shit hole, and it tears me up inside that this man is too lazy to go ahead and do something.
They said this part of life is called, "existential crisis". Who am I? What's my purpose? Should I take a bath or just keep scrolling facebook or ate the stale leftover foods my family saved for me. Considering they still save food for me, guess that's not too bad of a living situation. But I have everything! From shelter and foods, to hobbies and gadgets. My bank account is still not dried up. I can't even imagine how miserable it is for hard working people that have it all, yet doesn't have anything.
I tried working, but I can't stand the good ol' bossy coworkers. Greater than that, I can't stand the hollowness my past jobs gave me. God, what people do for money. Crushing their dreams and hopes and soul in exchange for a monthly roof. Not that I'm against that, I like living comfortably, even though I like the idea of living on the streets and just not giving a fuck to anyone walking in front of me as I sit and play guitar on a sidewalk corner.
What am I suppose to do? My dad is trying to kick me out by posting "House Rules" that includes me giving 25% of my monthly salary to him. I'm sorry, monthly what? I don't even last a month in any given job! I guess it's his way of making me more independent, but I'll rather move out and live alone than live with a family that doesn't even talk to you, other than the usual "how's your day", then proceeds to scroll facebook and pretends they're listening.
I guess I can't really complain. I have everything right?
I'm just depressed. That's all. Is started when my uncle died 2 years ago, and while I'm wallowing, I felt my girlfriend at that time doesn't really care, so I broke up with her. Double kill. Following by my dad being pissed about us going back home for my uncle's funeral because he has to pay for it, which made me feel his disregard to our connection and bond. Triple kill. Followed by mother constant complaining because of my junkie brother. Followed my dad beating my brother up and constantly complaining about us not being greatful children.
It's hard to function when you hear the voice of your past physical abuser every day when you were a kid, which happens to be your dad. I just can't get over it. Every time I wake up I dread the moment I'm going upstairs and see his face. You just can't forget it. You think 25% of your day how angry you are at that person, while he gives more reason for you to be angry. Fuck that guy.
See? I didn't even have to think about how I hate him, and I wrote 25% of my article how I hate him. What a waste.
I guess I really have to humble down, work and move out after all.
First, you are being very honest which is good. Often people may begin to lie to themselves, and be in denial. But you are directly feeling what you are.
There is a myth in this culture which is the mental illness myth. It pretends that certain people can become 'clinically depressed' without a cause. That is absolute BS. They believe this because they believe that 'mental illness' is a biological illness. BUT in reality of course thereis always a cause. Yes the person affected may not be conscious of it---they may think that because they are 'happy' (by how this culture claims you MUST be happy, having possessions, 'success', 'great exam results'. But it is not that simple. And many people become even unconscious of how they feel. And of course they will have some tell them they are selfish to be unhappy, if they share with others. But you feel how you feel, and it is important to allow this freedom and not suppress feelings.
I agree. Most people around me show themselves as self-sufficient happy people, when deep down, they are crying over how miserable their life is. They escape through drugs, smoking, alcohol, sex, working too much, and other outlets, which is not bad if there is a purpose. What's bad is they don't want to go through it and just want to escape. I believe people really need to undergo such process in their life in order to find their true identity.