God Officially Apologizes to Dinosaurs for Accidental Extinction Event
In what he admits is long overdue, religious figure and creator of all existance, God, (known by various names throughout the world) has finally released a two-page apology letter for the dinosaurs and other animals that went extinct ~66 million years ago. It seems that it was not asteroids, volcanoes, or the CIA that caused the event, but rather crumbs from God's favourite midday snack, which accidentally fell from heaven and devastated the Earth and other life-bearing planets - including, apparently, Mars. The supreme being expressed sincere regret at the elimination of "some of his best works", as well as a heart-wrenching apology for his lateness in a public acknowledgement of his mistake.
It's difficult for us to decipher much of what God outlined in the letter, since it was not aimed at human beings, however apparently God's plan for the earth was much different than the reality that has been carried out to this day. It seems that Earth and Mars were meant to be sister-planets, incredibly oxygen-rich with massive amounts of dense vegetation and huge herds of gigantic reptilian rulers, and even some special space-dinos that could migrate between the two when their orbits brought them close together.
God also apologised for the living relatives of the dinosaurs - birds - saying he deeply regretted how they "turned into flappy little bitches", though some species such as the Golden Eagle and Cassowary he thanked for "keeping it real." Ancient species such as the great white shark, coelacanth, and crocodiles also got a favourable nod from the all-knowing allfather, who seemed to indicate that these species had actually existed since the beginning of time itself, and weren't going anywhere. The letter was delivered to earth by holy emissary and pop-culture icon Jesus Christ, who turned out to be a velociraptor in smart, unhemmed robes. This of course came as little surprise to much of Earth's population, who had years ago grown suspicious that Jesus was never specifically mentioned as a non-reptilian being.
Disappointingly, God had very little to say regarding humans - nothing at all, in fact - and so now historians and religious scholars are looking to ancient scripture to see if perhaps we had misinterpreted the word of God some time long ago. Though many devout religious followers around the globe are saddened by the news, they have quickly pacified themselves by turning away from religion and on to more noble paths, such as promiscuity, drugs and alcohol, and non-violence. Several religious leaders are now working together to make an updated holy text that should better serve the needs of humanity as a whole.
-IBS News
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