Sobriety Rant: I gotta keep it 100% real

I've been having a pretty hard time recently. There are so many good things happening in my life. But sometimes it's hard to see. This is the longest I have ever been sober in my life by a long shot. At a certain point I guess I just thought that everything would become easy. Alas this is not the case. Every day I am forced to come face to face with the fact that I can't control my destiny with willpower. And because I'm a simultaneously narcissistic and insecure addict that's impossible for me to accept.

Except the crazy thing with recovery is that acknowledging these things make them easier to come to terms with. I just broke down in front of a room full of strangers and told them how sometimes I still wish i could use and get high when life gets hard. and still want to escape and get away even after all this time when I don't even remember what escaping reality with chemicals feels like. And I already feel better about it even though nothing else has changed.

I'm not even halfway where I need to be. And sometimes life is too hard for me to deal with. Sometimes life is awesome and I'm floating on a pink cloud of natural endorphin and positive life direction. And sometimes Im physically ill and emotionally and spiritually uncertain and drained and depressed. And on those days even when I feel like giving up, the fact i can go to a place to share my struggle with other people who have been through or are going through similar things is enough to keep me going.

So on that note, even though I'm almost wo years sober and should probably be out doing cool almost two year sober guy stuff like helping someone get clean or chopping wood and meditating or reciting serenity prayers in yoga poses, today I'm going to go home and sleep for twelve hours and recover from my still present stomach sickness and watch spirited away and cry into my pillow.

And even though I'm feeling terrible I'd rather feel terrible and know it's ok to feel physically and emotionally awful with a sense that there's still hope for me than to feel numb and chemically euphoric with a sense of utter hopelessness.