I’ve never been like this and it is something i can’t stand about my self.

I have no idea what the hell I’m doing!

Yes, this might be a rant about existential crisis. Or not. Haven’t decided yet the direction of this write either. *

Being An Adult - Having To Bear That You’ll Never Get What You Want

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When you are a kid, or a teenager there is nothing you want as badly than to be an adult. Get to make your own decisions and to be master of your own life. Everything adults do seems so glamorous. They have money and power, voice of their own and other people listen that voice of theirs. When you reach the point you are considered to be an adult, there is nothing that you want so desperately than being a kid again…

When I was like 18-ish I thought I was adult. Lol, yeah right. But really those were the times I could have raped the term of being an adult. Nobody really thinks that 18year old is an adult, well the 18 year olds themselves think, but they are the only ones. Back then the biggest problem I really had, was paying maybe rent and phone bill. Emotionally the worst thing I had to bear was, that ”nobody understood me”.

The difference between being an adult and thought about being an adult is that when you actually are one you have to bear the fact you rarely get what you want. Sure, you might do things you want to do, but before you can do stuff you have to be responsible and do you deeds. The biggest thing I personally would want to do at the moment is just vanish somewhere, just not give a fuck and travel to Bali. But because I’m considered as an adult I have to be reasonable. Is there a point? How about the job? How would I pay my mortgage if I have no incomes? etc. Back when I had possibility to just not give a fuck my biggest problems were ”What is mom going to say” and ” Damn those flights are expensive”.

For me being an adult is bearing the fact I can’t be stupid anymore for sake of being stupid. And I really, REALLY would want to be a little stupid. Stumping my feet like little princess when I don’t get what I want. Okay, I have to admit, I do that sometimes, but not publicly, damn that would be shameful… When you grow up you have to be more and more okay with the thing that things rarely work how they should, as an adult you have to understand there are inequalities, and there are rules written and not, and you have to play by them.

Not Having The Right To Be Selfish Anymore

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I have said I’m selfish, and I am, as much as I possible can. I like that I can only think my self and not others if it just is possible. But as an adult that right is striped away at some point of your life. You have to think other people and organizations even if you don’t want to. Especially if you have partner and family. You have to cope with the idea that you have to do things you don’t want to and you have to fake it, so it seems that it is okay for you. Thanks to social norms. When you are adult being selfish will cause problems. And because you are an adult there is no-one there who should save your ass.

When you are kid the social norms requires that your parents help you out the you are in deep shit, but when you grow up, you might not have living relatives anymore, no friends that close, nor anyone else who should help you out. It is only you. Yes, most people have still relatives friends and family, and all those help you out, but when you are grown up, other people are entitled to refuse.

Common good start to order your behavior more than you want to admit, and more than you wanted it to do that. And when you are and act like me and despite that, you are considered as an asshole. Not like I actually mind, but still…

Have To, Or Not Have To, There Is The Mystery

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The one part of adulting I always admired as a kid was that seemingly you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to when you are an adult. Oh boy, how wrong was I.. There is more things now I have to do even if I don’t want to, than things I actually would like to do. The thing is, when you are adult, you should just stop whining about it. You can see, I’m doing terrible job with this one. You should just suck it up that you are now adult, and you have responsibilities and you have to do things even if you don’t want to, because that is something adults do. They are reasonable and they handle their responsibilities.

When you are kid, if you don’t feel like doing things, there is not too much consequences even if you just wouldn’t do them. When I was a kid we used to take turns with my siblings who did laundry, washed dishes etc. But even if you skipped your deeds, there still was clean clothes, and dishes just magically washed themselves. Occasionally you got some loud feedback because you were skipping your deeds, but nothing drastic never still happened. Your parents did those things for you, even if they didn’t want to, because someone had to. Now when I live alone and am a grand master of my life that shit doesn’t do it self anymore! If I don’t do laundry I just simply run out clean clothes. If I don’t do dishes my kitchen sticks like a sewer and I have to order takeout just so I could avoid doing dishes one more day.

Shit just stopped doing it self when I moved out from my parents house. Yeah, of course I knew that would happen, but still the part how messy I really am surprised me. When things just happen, you forget to appreciate them.

Problems Become Expensive

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As a kiddo you could throw a tantrum because you didn’t have enough pocket money to buy new game or candy, or what so ever. Nowadays you just wish your problems would cost less than hundreds of $$$. If something unexpected happens, it always mean that there will be flying only moths out of your wallet for next month. Money just don’t happen anymore, not without reason. And even when there is reason that money happens, when you are adult that reason often is something horrible. When you were kid, you got money because positive things, like graduation, certificate, birthday or something like that. As an adult you get unexpected money only if somebody close to you DIES! Other than that you only get money if you work for it.

I had to always work for my money, even when I was a kid, there were no things called free meal. If I needed something I had to work for it. I’m glad my parents made me work, I appreciate and honor money a lot differently because I know that it will take hours from you life to achieve things that you want. But why do it have to be so expensive? Simple things you can’t predict, like your car will breakdown. I have never walked out from repair workshop thinking ”Oh, that was cheap!” There is always something. You go to fix one problem and they find 7 new ones?! Who said that you should try to find more flaws? Just repair the one I came here for, please! I’m already broke, please don’t suck my soul dry also….

You Have To Know What You Are Doing

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Or at least you should know. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I used to know, and I used to always have bigger plan and goal why I did things. But now I have no direction none what so ever. Floating in a sea of possibilities is not very adult thing to do. You should always know what is your endgame, or at least fake until you do. It starts from early on, you graduate and BOOM! You should magically know what do you want to be and what it is the purpose of life. I’ve graduated now 3 times, and every time I seem to know less and less what the fuck I’m doing and why.

Age makes you wiser, they say. Guess what, they are lying. Age makes you realize that you know nothing. Day after day and you just become dumber and dumber. Even if you have more knowledge than ever, you still realize that there is more thing you don’t know than you know. I don’t know about you, but I find it depressing as fuck.

I hate my self when I feel useless and ignorant. I try to suck information from all around me, but nowadays information there is, is pretty much just clutter and useless. Media doesn’t feed your thirst of knowledge anymore and it becomes harder and harder to find legit and uncompromising information. As an adult you should be the source of information for those who still are youngsters, but are you really?

It Sucks

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If you couldn’t already read between lines, it think adulting sucks, big time. Kids are in hurry to become adults for what? For realizing that it actually sucks and being a 4year old with endless tantrums because of broccoli was actually the best time of your life?

There is reason why humans don’t remember the early years of their life. If they would they would be in such deep depression because let’s face it, when you are kid that is the best time you ever will have in your lifetime. Of course there is and will be glimpses of happiness later on also, but the high point of peoples life is when you get to be innocent and pure idiotic and there is no consequences no matter what you do.

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^{* Yes, it became a rant, sorry not sorry. Sometimes (read: Usually ) that just happens.}