PTSD Keeps Me Awake!
My thoughts on PTSD
PTSD keeps me awake!
When I think about my whole life having to learn to live with PTSD one learns quite quickly, it never shuts down. Never. It never gives you peace of mind, in fact, it works only in negative meaning low self-esteem lack of self-worth, no sense outside of self, uncaring and no sense of your body, and with empty thoughts. Empty thoughts are not being able to process any information through a thought. The brains ways to communicate with you are limited to sound, night dreams, and voices. There are no pictures, or memories to guide you in making decisions. So the brain tries to communicate and sort stuff in your dream state. It is wild and all consuming experience. When I was between ages of 5 to 15 my dreams controlled or took over my life. HAVING no boundaries creates scary, wondrous, and unimaginable dreams in a child. I could write a whole chapter on what happen in my brain, but what I dreamt of as a child, caused me to sleep walk and talk.
Into adulthood every night is a Sleepless night, sleep walking sleep talking, tossing and turning, lucid dreaming, dream thoughts all night, no sleeping or resting. Seeing in colour, horrible dreams, night sweats, night mares, dreaming was just another form of my body energy being alive & busy at night, time of doing, constantly unconsciously/subconsciously awake, with the mind on alert at all times, I was extremely tired when I had to get up and function in this real time world. Doctors through out time said I was iron deficient, or slightly bi-poplar, or having fatigue syndrome. Nothing cured my tiredness over the years until I found the beta light machine (later on I will explain).
There were no words, to help me. I was functioning only on emotions, my feelings and what my senses picked up. The voices in my head were extreme, all kinds of them. All the voices had different idea’s and instructions for me to follow. None of them really loved me, or cared. I just stumbled and fumbled along, letting them lead me, never knowing how to speak, only expressing in pain and sorrow emotions running ramp-it with in me. Deep wanting….deep loneliness. I was a victim. A victim of PSTD, which created my body as a victim inside and out. I lived a victims life for years, wondering how on this earth do I deserve this?