I was Total and Completely unaware of how deeply PSTD was effecting me.

Over the years, I was overly sensitive and emotional to everything, I could not control my emotions, every level of my being re-acted in flight or fight, extreme in my showing feelings to being hysterical, cried out of frustration, and cried at the drop of a pin. On some level, I thought this was a normal way to be because it was all that I had experience or known since birth. The crying always came from a place deep inside me, and later in my life, I became aware my self-worth was always connected with pain. Immobilized and disconnected to everyone. I never felt real joy and happiness until my late 50’s. But I will come to that later.

Life for me, was like continually living in an inside box of fog, and I could not escape from it. The box was filled with emptiness and no matter how hard I tried to escape it, it filled me with hurt, being wounded, used, abused and confused, I felt rejected and just dumb.

I flipped between extremes I was either overly hyper-active child beyond what considered the norm, or I was dead tried with thoughts and feelings of being unlovable and uncared for. It was exhausting.

Growing up in a home of laid back, introverts, here I was an extrovert, or so they thought. Also being reprimanded to sit still, to be calm, well it was just impossible and to me, it felt like I was being punished, and I was unacceptable.

I had developed nobody boundaries or boundaries on any level of my being, so I absorbed and became overwrought with other peoples thoughts and emotions, taking over my very being, causing me feelings of self-hatred.

Music was my only Savior! it allowed me to feel and sense different sounds, that moved me, inside in ways that at times gave me great comfort and ease of mind. Music moved in me deeply infecting my sense of self. It was a great escape. But music could also send me to the moon, causing me great animosity, anxiety and stress! This occurred when Television came into our home. Certain shows and movies, in where the producers have full control over the sounds you will experience, could trigger all kinds of emotions, not so much thoughts, but would increase the intensity of my feelings was to much for me to handle as a person. So I was careful as to what I listen to. This is true even to this day. I do not own a TV very rarely go to a movie, and stay away from large crowds, because I never know how I will respond, or what will be triggered in me, and I can lose all sense of myself in a whirlwind of emotions.

So I have learnt to keep my external influences down to a minimum, includes no cell phone, no news or newspapers, radio, negative friends or family members, because after years and years of negative input, either self-made, self -learnt, or placed on me by outside media’s, I now have escaped my box and experience and feel true self-love, to feel positive and calm. It’s taking me over 50 years to find the solution’s for me and I am so proud and happy to have achieved and reached the true sense of my well-being I fully control all outside input into my being.