A message to victims of physical and psychological abuse

I have been thinking about writing this for a couple of days now and am still not sure if I will be able to say everything I want to and make a powerful enough text that will make a difference to somebody. My hope that it will is strong and sometimes helping even one person is good enough because that one person maybe needed exactly this to help herself. This is one of those topics that I am very sensitive about and if anything can get me to show my teeth it is the subject of abuse, any abuse.

Before I start, let me tell you a little personal story. 11 years ago when I started going out with my hubby, I told him that he can hit me but only once and if he decides to do so he better hit me so hard it kills me. If he fails and leaves me alive... Well... Sooner or later, he too will fall asleep and that is a sleep he will not be waking up from ever again. I may be weaker than him but I will find a big and heavy enough object to use while he is not awake and not able to defend himself or know what hit him. 11 years from then, we are happy together and I found out that he would never abuse me. He is just not that kind of person but I do know (he told me so several times) that he will never forget our little talk back then and that he is proud of me for standing up for myself. I am happy that I never resulted in finding a heavy object and that I have an amazing and loving person in my life who will always be by my side with his support and kindness. Not all women are that lucky...

It has come to our attention that one of our friends is in serious trouble. Yes, she is in trouble because of some bad decisions she has made but that does not mean she does not need help and support. Blaming the victim is something that really annoys me and "to annoy" is an understatement. Smoke starts coming out of my ears when I hear idiots saying "She had it coming". Well, idiots, you had my foot coming with that kind of stupidity... But I will get to that later. Let me first tell you her story...

She is in a really bad place now and was feeling trapped for a long time. It all started in high school when she got pregnant. Everything was fine and she married the father of her child, it was a love story you would not believe with the help and support of everyone. It turned out that he was a control freak that psychologically abused her for years so she divorced him. Eight years ago she met another man and fell head over heels in love with him. I know him and I always found him creepy as hell. You know that feeling when you meet someone and you immediately realize they are not a nice person? Sometimes, I hate when I am right.

In eight years they were together he managed to win over her family and turn them all against her portraying himself as perfect and convincing them she is stupid and incompetent. Her family was never normal and always had Jerry Springer issues but to turn your back on your own daughter is, at least for me, horrible and unforgivable. They started being his family first and hers second. The next thing he did was to crush all her friendships. She was not allowed to go anywhere and speak to anyone without his presence. Classical psychological abuse and manipulation. He told her that he needs to be enough for her and that she has no reason to go anywhere without him and of course how he loves her and is doing everything for her. Her proof of love is that she listens to everything he says and blindly obeys.

She was not allowed to have friends but he was. The explanation was how he is a man and needs company, she as a woman does not. Who knows how many times he cheated on her. She was home and he was drinking, taking drugs and fu*king around everything he could. Her family was on his side and she had fewer and fewer friends to turn to. Nine months ago, she gave birth to a baby boy and (just as far too many women do) thought how things would change for the better. Of course, they didn't. It only got worse. This is a good time to say how her first husband is not paying her alimony, she is not working and completely financially dependant on this psychopath.

She does not realize it yet but she did catch a break when he left to work in another country. She was home alone with two children and she was sending her some money, very little money but still enough to brag about it. It was not enough to even buy diapers let alone anything else. In that other country, he started living with another woman and did not even try to hide it. There were pictures on social media everywhere and this friend of ours started losing it. He even told her that he is going to be with both of them and there was nothing she could do. That was his decision and it was final. After some encouragement, she finally decided to leave him and that is when all hell broke loose. He is not a person who takes rejection easily...

When she told him they were breaking up, his response was "No we're not." He called her family members and they all started pushing her. This is what her family members sent her in text messages:

He started calling her and sending her more than 200 messages per day with threats and saying how she owes him everything and is nothing without him and he will not have this. He even threatened to take her children away. Her mind began to break and he ended up in the hospital having a serious panic attack after two days of pain in her chest and troubles breathing. No sleep for two days either and nothing to eat. She is still breastfeeding her baby and her older child is traumatized by seeing his mother crying and screaming all the time. Finally, we convinced her to call a certain organization that helps women in this kind of situations.

People came one hour after they were called. A psychologist, a bodyguard, and a layer. Our friend got the support she needed. Her family is furious about this and are still calling her names and telling her she should be ashamed of herself for calling for help but she is starting to feel better. She now knows that there will be professionals helping her with her children while she is visiting a doctor or looking for a job and that she will have help with getting back to her healthy self. They even politely explained to her grandmother to leave her apartment before they call the police when the old bat came and started yelling at our friend. Time will tell but I am optimistic and believe that everything will work out for her. Fingers crossed.

Abusers are always cowards and can feel powerful only when they make someone else powerless and dependent on them. Psychological manipulation is the main problem here.

Victims of abuse are convinced that they are stupid, ugly, worthless and should be happy their abuser loves and is taking care of them. They will not speak about this and will often defend their abuser. They feel so much fear that it is making them unable to ask for help. A lot of them even refuse help when it is offered because they do not see a way out.

If you know a person who is abused in any way or are one yourself, trust me, there is always a way out. When you are robbed of your personal power and feel so low that you do not consider yourself a human being, you first need psychological help. Your brain is screwed and it needs to be fixed. You do deserve to be happy. You being abused is not your fault. You are a beautiful and smart person. You are strong enough to help yourself. No one can help you if you do not help yourself first.

The only way you can help yourself is to take your power back. You will do this by accepting that you deserve better and there is a way to get there. By deciding you have had enough and sticking to that decision, you are helping yourself and that is enough. Everything else will be done by professionals.

We live in a modern age, if you do not know the number you can call, google it. If you do not have internet, go to a nearby library and use the internet there. If you have zero money and no phone, walk over to the first police officer you see and tell him your story. There are organizations that will help you.

Every physical abuser started out as psychological abuser, each and every one. If he is using his words to abuse, he will use his fists soon enough, they all do. It is a normal evolutionary pattern in their abusive behavior. It is never too soon and never too late to ask for advice or help. IF you are suffering physically or emotionally, there are people who can help. They will help financially, legally and medically.

There are people who are able to help you, people who know what they are doing and have experience. You are not the first and sadly will not be the last victim. You are only one call away from getting the help you deserve. YOU DO DESERVE HELP! There is no shame in asking for it, no shame in being the victim and no shame in being powerless. There is always a way out. Even if your family and friends are against you and if you feel all alone in the entire world, you are not. There is no excuse for violence, no excuse for abuse and you DID NOT brought it on to yourself, you ARE NOT the one to blame.

Here is a list of numbers you can call if you need help. I have done some digging around the internet and these are the ones I found. I am sorry if your country is not on the list. If it is not, it is not because there is not a hotline there but because my time is limited and there are too many countries in the world for me to cover them all at this moment, but I hope I will soon.