It's been some time since my first #introduceyourself where I talked about my philosophy of life and other personal realizations. But it was mostly a general and non-specific post. You can read it here: https://steemit.com/philosophy/@vimukthi/a-gateway-to-my-mind-3-hours-of-me-trying-to-convey-the-stuff-going-in-my-mind-to-the-world

Today I want to tell you about a very specific realization of mine. I want to talk about FEAR. I don't mean "First Encounter Assault Recon" which is a great game. I don't even want to talk about the "concept" of Fear. I'm going to open a gateway into my mind to help you see what I see as fear. I'm going to write without burrowing anything from anyone including definitions. This is a purely subjective post.

FEAR in my Life

I was never the kind of kid who was easily scared. I actually loved ghost stories. I was a very curious kid and it felt like ghost stories kind of expanded my mind into thinking broadly and I was certainly intrigued by them. What really scared me were the practical matters. Facing punishment was something I was afraid of. It was clearly bad for me. If I couldn't watch TV anymore, that would suck. I was afraid of a clear negative outcome. I was also afraid of things like missing the bus or loosing pocket money or leaving the homework at home.

I wasn't afraid of the dark. Sometimes I go into dark and stay there to have my eyes adjusted and it was really cool to be able to see things better after my eyes got adjusted. I also loved the night sky ever since I was a kid. I loved the night sky even when I was just a nursery kid. But there was one time that darkness could scare me. That was imagination. To put it better: Controlled Imagination. I'm a very creative person. I also have an on demand ADHD function. I can make my mind go all over the place and stop whenever I want. Sometimes I try to come up with scary things just out of curiosity. I imagine snippets of monsters (mostly human sized) just few feet away or just out of the window with the face on the window. Some of these times I actually gets afraid.

I've also had a fear of falling (out of anything) but no fear of heights. The only times I've been afraid of heights are the times I saw a possibility of me falling. I told you I'm a creative person. With ENTP personality it's not too hard or uncommon for met to figure out flaws and loopholes and fractures in anything. I'm quick to figure out a worst case scenario at anything.

FEAR in my Movies/Games/TV/Books

I didn't grew up with Netflix. I had to burn the night oil to watch a horror movie. A significant part of the experience was sitting through the movie and telling other how unafraid I was. I had a really tough mind and I always make it a point to watch my horror at night (mostly after parents go to bed) with just one light on fully immersed. It was almost exciting.

X-Files

One of my favorite things as a kid. I love science fiction and supernatural things. X-Files never scared me. But it certainly got me hooked. It made me think more and more about various concepts. I go to bed thinking about those stuff. But it never kept me up at night.

Books

I was bit of a Goosebumps fanboy as a kid and I also read several more of other R. L. Stine books and Spooksville by Christopher Pike. The moments I remember the most are either immersive, fast paced or tense. I also loved the twists. I'm a huge fan of twists and Goosebumps Series 2000 had some of the best. But they were not that "chilling" either. The atmospheric part and the underdog struggle is what really hooked me.

As for Stephen King, I didn't read him; I watched the movies. I just have a thing for figuring out the mindandthought patterns of Stephen King which made the movies predictable. I love the content but I never feel the impact. The only thing more predictable than Stephen King is soap operas. It no fault of king. It's just are like horror soulmates.

Horror Games

I love the tension and challenge. I love a deep and powerful story. LIMBO which I reviewed as a perfect game is a great example. I was also hooked to Resident Evil 4. I loved the tension and the ability to play the game cleverly. I also had fun with DOOM3 which was made as a survival horror FPS. Silent Hill also had excellent atmospheric feel and deep and powerful (meta)narrative.

Unlike many people who were loosing their minds screaming, Amnesia: The Dark Descent was a game I found to be a boring chore. "It was a puzzle game with horror elements in it". That's how I felt. The game that had me scared few times was DOOM3. Why? Jump-scares.

Jump-scares and Me

Most people give a bad rep for Jump-scares and they are not without reason. But Jump-scares are the only real thing capable of making me afraid. No other type of horror has an effect on me. Characters doesn't scare me. I sometimes end up loving the monsters when they are clever designs and psychological horror ends up being a lot like psychological thriller for me. Body horror has no effect on me either. Meal and Cronenberg goes together for me. Jump-scares come out in sudden haste as if there is a clear and present danger. It's sudden and I react. It doesn't happen all the time. But whenever I'm scared, it's because of a ump-scare.

One day I asked myself a very powerful question to ponder. What is the Most scariest thing for me?

The answer i realized was Amnesia; the loss of memories. I don't have any phobias. I have no PTSD and I don't think anything would be able to give me a PTSD. But one thing that I find hyper scary is the loss of memory and knowledge.

Why doesn't anybody have to invent the light bulb or the internet? Simply put, we have the knowledge of all former innovations. Nobody is really building things from scratch. Even if all of the technology was wiped out by alien nano-machines, we still wouldn't go back to being cave dwellers. People would simply start building civilization and in few generations humans will go from prehistoric to at least 18th century technology at the very worst. Think about Iko Uwais against Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers or that guy with the chainsaw against Iko

One thing for sure is that you won't have a horror movie pitting a martial artist against some serial killer. It could practically look easy and one sided. Such is the power of knowledge. Since we already have the internet, blockchain projects can be built on top of it. Since we have powerful computers, we can run powerful software on them. When we know about physics, chemistry and biology, we can start to take control of these aspects of life. Knowledge is power and my definition of power is tied to the freedom it generates. We have tap water. We don't have to go to the well/stream/river and fill up pots/buckets with water. That's freedom. Ordering stuff online instead of going shopping is a freedom. But these freedoms are physical ones.

The moment I realized "The Scariest thing of All"

Think about all the things you have learnt in your life. Think about the silly things you have done without knowing better. Think about the mistakes in your life which could have been avoided. Think about the mistakes in your life that you would have committed if you weren't matured or well informed. The experiences of our life transform us and elevate us. Loosing memory would be loosing all of my survival instincts and claws. The mind and its products are the claws and teeth of humanity. A human can lift million times his/her weight with the power of mind. A human can make the nature adapt instead of adapting to the nature. Loosing my knowledge and experiences would be the equivalent of humanity loosing it's knowledge instead of technology. If that happens, humans will live like cavemen inside indoor rain forests and abandoned space shuttles and that's more tragic than loosing all the modern conveniences.

Thisis how I came to realize my greatest fear; the thing that scares me the most. I am very young. But I've spent tens of thousands of hours leaning things, perfecting myself, gaining new skills and developing spiritual insight. Loosing all that gains and growth and still having to live scares me far more than having my existence erased. If I were no more, at least I have no problems. But If I had to exist without my claws and teeth, I'd be the most miserable and vulnerable thing. Above all, my hard work and efforts and wisdom acquired would mean nothing; Not just nothing but a waste of time and effort. Thinking about this really gives me the chills. This is my greatest fear. Having my identity erased is one thing. But having the truths I've realized erased away is a thing so horrifying and chilling that I can't think of anything worse.

I've been through movies like The Exorcist as if they were random walks in the park and I consider Tarantino as a director that feature Kindergarten friendly violence. Among all things, having my existence reset with all the lessons I've learnt deleted is the scariest thought with no rival