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RE: Truth, Bullying and Emotions
Ouch! It may be true that nothing of value comes easy. This does not sound easy.
I noted your 'boom and bust' cycle you described, and this sounds a lot like bipolar.
Some folks have invested a lot of time and research into understanding how to help people reconstruct themselves. These folks are called therapists. I suspect that seeing a few, until you find one you can trust, and that isn't just trying to keep you stable enough to earn a paycheck, but actually supports your personal goals, can really be helpful to you in your geas.
Good luck!
yeah.. that's part of my plan. I actually saw a therapist already, but since our healthcare system is a mess, I had to pay it out of my own pockets in order to seek immediate help and now I have to wait for a few months until I can go to a therapist that my insurance will cover...
I only had 5 hours of Therapy and it very much felt like she was just confirming most of the theories I had about myself, just so I would maybe continue my sessions with her.
The "funny" thing is that I always find excuses to not get with a girl, most of the time it is the "I don't really love her"-one. Not having a girlfriend for such a long time certainly contributed to my 'me against the world' mentality. I never loved someone as much as I love Lisa and being with her. If she never loved me back, I think I would be fine, but I can't handle having hurt her so much (psycholgically) that she never wants to see me again, despite (or rather because of) her feelings for me.
I have stopped some of my unhealthy habits (smoking pot and playing video games all day) and started to go to the gym. So objectively I am doing fine, but I can't find any other goal in life then her...
Oh and I watched a lot (maybe too much) Jordan Peterson in the past weeks. I pretty much got it all: I am aware of my problems, but can't seem to fix them like a Borderliner. I am very charming when I meet people until I get very cold, mean and resentful which is typical for the NPD and I am either feeling like I am superman or that I am the worst scum to have walked on earth which is typical for manic depressions (bipolar).
Maybe I am just a normal person trying to justify his angst and insecurity with fancy psychological terms. Can't even tell at this point.
It took me a few years to break the hold of some irrational beliefs that were formative for me, adopted in my dim, unremembered childhood. I also encourage you to shop around for therapy. You probably will note the disparity in ability, intent, and empathy between them as you do.
I hope your insurance doesn't make you see only a particular provider. Finding one right for you is essential. I quit when my therapist retired.
Now I take Xanax =p
All my best wishes for your evolution into what you know you can be.