my weakness is really my strength

if realizing this does not make one humble, one have yet things of self to face.

If you have had the joy of listening to stories and tales growing up, you would learn how the protagonist is being tested.

I have tested myself a lot. I have done things in my life that I have deeply regretted. So that way, I have had a burden to carry for many years of my life. And then a need to suppress this with addicting to energies.

It is like what could be and really is my strength was buried under a heavy load from early on. I would lack vocabulary and self trust to express myself efficiently, and from this living, I would suppress my strengths within myself as a part of growing up. Dreams, hopes, desires, ideas (!) solutions, hobbies, interests you name it. I would suppress my fine qualities and these dimensions within me. Because I felt that my emotions, my depression, my angst, my fear(!), my anger my despair my rioting needed more space. I would be mean to myself and to others in thought, word and deed..... And within this lifestyle I would suppress and deny my strengths into yes ... weaknesses.

So underneath all the burden (bullshit; couch, couch) I have been storing my living and my potential. This has of course limited me and the life that I have been living. I mean this world is the way it is for many a suppressed reason. So today I take out my most suppressed details and qualities and I nurture it. I give it life. Knowing within that my most fucked up points that I have lived was really just a cover operation to suppress those parts of me - out of old habit. I was only feeding my emotions/demons/energies. It was like living the lie of all times. Denial of self.

So, today I am keen on picking up on the very interest and ideas of my past that I see in glimpses. The parts of me that was buried under a emotional slow-as-fuck avalanche. It is with great humbleness I see into myself when I am struggling with math or language at 10, 11, 12 years of age. I see that and I take note of the fact that I liked math. But at that age 7,8,9 the class room grew into competing and comparison very soon. And that competing and comparing dimension ruined my math experience. This is one simple example of many stories of my life. Because of competing and comparing, my math world was efficient shut down. With tears, violence, anger, hate, conflict with my parents as a immediate result. Maybe I needed more space or different tools. I know ONE thing for sure though that there are millions and millions of my example out there who was trapped and lost in these years in school. In some class and over all school experience where we all were subdued into competing and comparing. Making it into a winner takes it all game. It is sick and it is sorry. The hate, tears, abuse, wars, cries, shame.... With such a subtle and silent killer as competing and comparing was to me. It made me suppress so much. It made me hate so badly.

Today I am starting to see this - to level with it - on a micro/macro level - to understand it. To be equal to it. To see without blame - how it came to be. To slowly feed my interest of math lol. Today I am learning how this abuse of life came to be. I am dipping my toes in that water of awareness and understanding of self. Gently. Of course from 30 years lots change. But I am no longer going to accept the lesser of me. I will make a effort to find the moments where I have had a need to suppress and I will nurture that potential if it is willing to grow. A strength is a strength and in truth there is no weakness. It is just all system error - of self. Sins of the fathers as they say.

I am one vote to stop the competing and comparing: now. We should rather be learning compassion and cooperating.
Competing and comparing is not doing any good in school. It is misaligned with reality and life.

Competing and comparison is making the strengths and qualities of people/pupils, into weaknesses and wrongs. Weaknesses that they are burdened by for decades (!) later. And within so creating endless lots of havoc - and suppressed living - sins of the fathers. This stops with me and you : and our response-ability.

So my weakness, my most suppressed parts, are hiding the best of me. How interesting isn't that in these times ?

Remember this on your way, there is no weakness there is only suppression of potential and strength.

Thanks for reading

Video on this point: