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RE: Truth, Bullying and Emotions
Jokes on you, I didn't even like you to begin with. ;)
I see a lot if myself in here (not all) but I think im some kind of reverse. I have worked to be more critical because I was often seen as the haopy go lucky go who was never taken seriously. It is an unfortunate situation as I am taken more seriously now but probably, less fun. It is a trade off of sorts. I find there are few people who can swing between these positions of critical and free so tend to find people who are okay at one or the other.
At the end of the day, it is all a large experiment in discovering who we are and exploring many sides and making many mistakes might be the only way to live well.
Made me laugh so hard, thanks for that :D. It is actually my typical reaction when I feel misunderstood or treated badly. I ignored the girl completely for the last week at work, just to show her how little I care for her.
I have a weird tendency that I try to take everything in my life light hearted and make jokes about it until I can't. It needed an event like this to realize that my life is no joke and that I have much more influence on my life than I want to admit.
I took my character as a given that I explore like a bystanding scientist, but at this point I actually want to change it. There is nothing wrong with being happy and nice. Being cold-hearted and confrontational has its upsides for sure but it is just not healthy if I am this way all the time to every person close to me.
Ouch! It may be true that nothing of value comes easy. This does not sound easy.
I noted your 'boom and bust' cycle you described, and this sounds a lot like bipolar.
Some folks have invested a lot of time and research into understanding how to help people reconstruct themselves. These folks are called therapists. I suspect that seeing a few, until you find one you can trust, and that isn't just trying to keep you stable enough to earn a paycheck, but actually supports your personal goals, can really be helpful to you in your geas.
Good luck!
yeah.. that's part of my plan. I actually saw a therapist already, but since our healthcare system is a mess, I had to pay it out of my own pockets in order to seek immediate help and now I have to wait for a few months until I can go to a therapist that my insurance will cover...
I only had 5 hours of Therapy and it very much felt like she was just confirming most of the theories I had about myself, just so I would maybe continue my sessions with her.
The "funny" thing is that I always find excuses to not get with a girl, most of the time it is the "I don't really love her"-one. Not having a girlfriend for such a long time certainly contributed to my 'me against the world' mentality. I never loved someone as much as I love Lisa and being with her. If she never loved me back, I think I would be fine, but I can't handle having hurt her so much (psycholgically) that she never wants to see me again, despite (or rather because of) her feelings for me.
I have stopped some of my unhealthy habits (smoking pot and playing video games all day) and started to go to the gym. So objectively I am doing fine, but I can't find any other goal in life then her...
Oh and I watched a lot (maybe too much) Jordan Peterson in the past weeks. I pretty much got it all: I am aware of my problems, but can't seem to fix them like a Borderliner. I am very charming when I meet people until I get very cold, mean and resentful which is typical for the NPD and I am either feeling like I am superman or that I am the worst scum to have walked on earth which is typical for manic depressions (bipolar).
Maybe I am just a normal person trying to justify his angst and insecurity with fancy psychological terms. Can't even tell at this point.
It took me a few years to break the hold of some irrational beliefs that were formative for me, adopted in my dim, unremembered childhood. I also encourage you to shop around for therapy. You probably will note the disparity in ability, intent, and empathy between them as you do.
I hope your insurance doesn't make you see only a particular provider. Finding one right for you is essential. I quit when my therapist retired.
Now I take Xanax =p
All my best wishes for your evolution into what you know you can be.