How to Know if Your Job is Killing You
They say there is a reason you are paid for work--because if you wanted to do it you'd do it for free. First of all, that a bit of bollocks. You get paid because your work brings value to someone. Still, we all want to come to a place where our work is also our art. Where our job is a career or even a vocation. I want those things too. I'm a bit of an idealist, but I try to temper that with a dose of realism. You should ALWAYS enjoy time with my family and friends more than I enjoy work. You should have hobbies that are never intended to be "side-gigs." Whether as an employee, business owner, or free lancer, work will be work. I hope it is good work, but recognize that may take time. It's important to have the discipline to work through hard times with your sights set on greater things. Nevertheless, I draw the line at life threatening. You should too.
Thank God for office doors. I don't understand what my body is doing to me and I don't want others to see this episdoe. Every time I try to write another sentence about the relationship between Michigan No-fault law and the Wrongful Death Act, this feeling swells up inside of me. I turn away, shaking. Panic set in. As if being hunted by some mighty predator, my lungs are gasping for safety. The voices start.
You don't belong here. You're not smart enough for this. You cannot compete on this level. You are not enough.
I feel sick to my stomach and my muscles are feeling worn from holding this tension. I start to look around the room for an escape. "I could cut myself with the glass from that picture frame. Maybe I can find a way to hang myself with my tie. Or I could tip the bookshelf on to me." I cry, breath, pace, and sit again. This cycle continues for about 2 hours.
I have lived with suicidal ideation for more than half of my live now, but this was different. This was anxiety and panic, not depression and sadness. Other than a similar episode last month, I am unfamiliar and with how to handle this. I should make clear that my job is not objectively threatening. I work in a fine, respectful environment with really decent people. I'm paid well for my time and respected as an adult. The job is fine. The problem is the pairing. It does not blend with who I am.
You may also feel like your job is not "life giving." Frankly, and this is hard to accept, sometimes that is okay. Sometimes work is just work. But, you may also find that not only is it not life giving, but it is soul crushing. Some obvious signs can be seen by looking at certain office-job environments in places like Japan. There is a workaholism culture manifesting that is literally killing people. Or, as in my case, perhaps your body itself is signaling to you that this place is dangerous to your health. Very carefully consider those signs for yourself. How does the time and energy you spend on your job reconcile with the rest of your life and your identity. Does it cause internal fragmentation?
To be honest, I'm writing from the middle of this all. I don't have the keys to moving gracefully through these issues. I don't know what the next 6 months or 2 years looks like for me. It may require me taking steps to pursue biochemical re-balancing. Or I might quit. What I do know is that I cannot carry on with the status quo. And if you feel emotionally, physically, or spiritually at risk in your job, then you should not stand idly by either.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
Image Source: Hallway
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Really enjoyed this article. Thanks for your honesty about your struggles. I too am trying to find the right balance.
Thanks for stopping by and offering the encouragement. One thing I think I need to remember is that some seasons in life are just going to feel imbalanced. For example, I was talking to a friend who is a recent empty nester and he had to point out to me that I have five kids under the age of six. No wonder things feel a little out of control. Haha. Always looking for balance, but moving forward regardless.
Awesome article man, very personal as always
This is where I'm at, I'd say my job is soul crushing, but it's not, my soul be too strong for this job to crush me. It does, however, remind me everyday that I'm wasting my life doing something for someone else instead of the work I could be doing that I feel would actually make a difference. Plans to quit soon, I'm going to take a shot and risk my security for happiness and fulfillment
Well that's exciting and terrifying at the same time! What will that look like for you? If you don't mind sharing. And thanks for the encouragement. It is always nice to get affirmation after making the decision to share personal details.
OOOOooohhh you want the deets huh? I'll try to give you the gist:
Basically I read Gary Vees crushing it, which is about social media, so I want to create an online presence using a blog, vlog, podcast, and other stuff. Not sure how quickly I will be able to get each up and running, but I have basically all the content and ideas. The other thing backing this up is some spiritual teachings that basically say we get what we claim, if we claim we struggle with money we will struglle with money, if we believe we will succeed we will.
I've gotten to the point where I feel like I can really succeed with some spiritual content by reorganizing some of the teachings I've picked up in a way that is more easily acccessible to the masses, I think we are on the verge of a massive spiritual revolution. I'm also going to combine it with ways to heal the body, relationships, and other stuff.
It's a big project in my head that I am just now starting to make something of and it's a big risk, but I'm at the point where if I don't do something I love and am passionate about and think will actually impact people's lives I will just die a slow death. Security is an illusion anyways
Damn brother, that's an awesome vision. Yes, security really is an illusion. Obviously, not having food or shelter is different in a lot of ways. Choosing to follow the pack because it feels safe may work out for you, but you're not guaranteed that security for your compliance. There is risk, but it is just a different risk than the one you are currently under. Cheers.